What I know…

I know that these last few months have been some of the most trying, full and enjoyable experiences of my life. Maybe it has something to do with how I’m viewing myself through this process. 

In November I thought the world would be better without me, or at least my pain and agony would cease to exist. What I know from that is, it would end for me but continue on through the people I would leave behind. During those dark moments you can’t see that. All you see is that you are alone, you are less than and that you are in pain and you would do ANYTHING to stop that pain. 

In December, I made the conscious decision to tell someone what was going on in my head. And what I mean is that I not only told my counselor, I talked with my doctor, I talked with my husband, I talked with my kiddos Godmom. I told friends and I put it on my blog. I asked for help and THAT was the single most hardest decision I have ever made. Things like that thrive in secrecy. I’m so glad I choose to reach out. I can’t say I loved the process. Because let’s be honest, I am an independent soul and I felt like I was being told to tell people my every move. I had weekly, sometimes daily check-ins. I had to give up things that made me feel safe but could also harm me. What I can say is there is power in support, positive thinking, and prayer. Thank you! 

In February I welcomed a baby niece and a few short weeks later I was given another niece. I love them as much as if they were my own.

One half of JZ

The other half of JZ

 JZ are absolutely perfect in every way. My heart was full. But… it also bought up that little thing that likes to pop up every now and then. Wanting another baby of my own. I know, I know. I joke a lot about not wanting to be pregnant again or going through labor again or even sleepless nights. But joking is also my coping mechanism. The urge to want to have a baby didn’t come around until after we had to give up the twins and their brother. In my heart I know what we did was best for us. Three was a LOT of work, at times I was overwhelmed. But it opened up in me the reminder that I couldn’t have another one of my own. The thought of going through what I did with Marie’s birth seriously gives me heart palpitations and anxiety. We almost lost her, I’m not sure I wouldn’t have that fear and stress in the back of my mind the whole pregnancy. And so because that was so traumatic, shortly after she was born I asked Ike to get a vasectomy. And he did. At the time it was the best decision and to be honest, I feel like it is still the best decision. But it doesn’t change the fact that my body aches to have a baby to carry and love and nurse. I’m slowly figuring out how to navigate those mindfields. For now I do it by getting some much needed snuggles from my beautiful baby nieces. I might or might not spoil them, but I can’t confirm that. I do want to add, we’ve had (Ike and I) that conversation. And we both agree that unless it’s meant to be (as in I get pregnant), we will not be taking in any infants or toddlers through foster care. Even though on occasion I ask him if he is absolutely positively for sure… What I know is that I can hold the sorrow of not having my own AND the joy of being an auntie twice over all together and still be happy. That is truly amazing to me. I’m learning and growing daily!

March came and went so fast, I’m still trying to figure out where it went. But what I do know is that I Love my husband more today than I did yesterday, or even ten years ago. And I say that because we just celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary. 

Happy 10th Anniversary

It was truly magical and everything we wanted. To be surrounded by friends and family. To have the same feel as our wedding and to be enjoyed by all. I’ll share pictures and more about that later. I also know that if I hadn’t learned even a little about making MYSELF happy, no one else would be able to. And so to be at this point is huge for me. We were close to being divorced on a couple of different occasions. The thing that helped us was taking each moment, hour, day, week, month at a time. 

April has been a time of slowin down, enjoying the quiet moments and spending time with family and friends. We celebrated the 5th birthday of our extra baby. 

Celebrating with classmates

Watching her be loved on and celebrated was absolutely adorable and so amazing. To see the pure look of joy and excitement in receiving was something I will cherish forever. To have something that is hers, and hers alone made her so incredibly happy. Im happy we got to see and experience that. What a gift! 

April has also been a full month, the group I was in has been cancelled because by the end I was the only one showing up. So I have to find and get comfortable in another group. I have a story about that too. Lol! We will be leaving next month on a six week roadtrip, yes I said six whole weeks! I am beyond excited. This trip will be epic. 

This is us filling out passport paperwork

It will include Canada, and the East Coast. With lots of time with friends and family along the way. Which leads me to add that our oldest daughter will be joining us in week two and stay with us through the end. I am excited for Ike and the kiddos. They get to spend some much wanted and needed time with an older sibling they didn’t get to grow up with. And I am lucky enough I get to watch all of it happen! 

For now that’s all I have, maybe I’ll finish those other stories and schedule them to post over the next few days. 

Namaste my Friends!

I

He says/She says

My husband is pretty good at dishing out the things I don’t need to hear or the things that I’m thinking but refuse to say out loud. At least most times. 
Last night as we were winding down for bed we go over the day. The goods, bads and the ugly! Well last night his piece of knowledge is below…

Him: I think you need to stop harassing folks. 

Me: Huh? I don’t think that’s what I’m doing. I’m just asking simple questions.

Him: How long did it take for the response even though we’ve seen them in our presence with their phone. That’s an automatic sign if I don’t know what is. 

Me: But life, maybe they were just busy?!

Him: For 3 days? Come on Iiona, just stop.

Me: Fine, but I don’t think I’m…

Him: How many times do you need to hear a no in one week before you get it through your head?

Me: Dang, ok…

So, needless to say. Sometimes the dude is right. We’ve always said you can’t force someone to like you or want to even spend time with you and that includes family. We’ve also said we don’t want to feel a relationship is forced. 

So here we are standing in our truths. Sometimes we cross the street for others who won’t even lift a hand to wave at us from across the street… 

Le Sigh! 

Standing in my Truth… Day 5

I did have all types of goals to post a story last night, but the massive headache I had barely allowed me to go trick-or-treating and then stay up long enough to see the kiddos sort through their candy stash. I got not a one picture, but the nice thing is I can re-stage that photo. LOL!

So, I’ve sort of started my own series that I’m writing about. I’m sure it won’t be a consistent post, but its my series. One I’ve thought up and designed myself. It has no set ideas, it is just me taking note of what I have learned about myself throughout the day or the week and then posting about it. Each one could be very similar to the next, but it doesn’t matter. So here is my truth for the last few days.

I have this friend, we’ve only known each other for about 3 years. But it feels like we’ve known each other for a lifetime, possibly two or three lifetimes. I love her as if she were an older sister, she reads my blog, so I’m sure she will know who I’m referring to. She is that one older sister that gives you the truth even when you really don’t want it nor do you care to hear it. But she does it all in love. The issue I’m having with this great friend of mines is she can see me for the true person I am, she can see past my veil and past my carefully crafted facade to what I’m really feeling, seeing, doing, being. It’s something that makes for an interesting dynamic, it makes conversations with her good, bad, and annoying. She knows it, I’ve told her multiple times how annoying that shit is. But she still does it. I have only had one other person read me so well, its something that kind of throws one off of their game. It’s like they can see past my humanness into the depths of what makes me who I am, I have to say, its not something I like too well.

I’ve had people “Catch” me slipping, and they get a glimpse of the real me. But, most times, what I want people to see and know is what I put out there. I don’t like being told how I really feel, I don’t like being told that I can hear through that fake laugh, I don’t like being told that if you continue on this path it can lead to the same ole’, same ole’. That is something I leave for myself, I don’t need an outsider telling me my truths. To me it seems as if souls are speaking to souls, in the end, thats what you want. But sometimes when it happens so suddenly and from the beginning it can make for an interesting friendship.

The truth I’ve been standing in lately is most days I am completely lost and don’t know which way to turn, but many people don’t know that, nor can they see past my outer shell to see what is really going on inside. My truth is that every since I was 14, November has been a hard month for me to navigate through. I actually hate November, if we could skip the whole month my life would seem to have more meaning. But, if I were to skip the month of November, that would also mean I would skip the celebration of my birth in to this world… But I could skip the heartache and reminders that two very important people to me died in this month. My maternal grandmother, aka, my momma died on November 28th and my GodGrandmother died on November 14th. Each year has been different, some not so sad. And others just a mix of raw emotions that I sit and marinate in.  I’m not sure why but this year is unlike any other, maybe it has to do with the fact that i am living my true self. That I am facing my demons head on and dealing with them one at a time. It isn’t easy, but I knew that. It wasn’t easy when I went through it, so reliving all of the emotions, feelings, actions, and thoughts won’t be any easier. But I am up for the challenge.

Last night, I almost completely lost it. and what re-centered me was my commitment to positive and affirmative thinking. I had spiraled so quick and truly didn’t realize it until I was in my bathroom walking in circles crying, and  repeatedly telling myself, “I AM ENOUGH, I AM ENOUGH, I AM ENOUGH!” I had already been very sensitive to the things that were happening, but this, this was so different, it was so intense and yet so surface. I know positive thinking won’t cure me of my issues, my depression. But it sure is the start to something good. I’ve been to counselors, I’ve taken the medication and I do not want to do any of that again. I NEED to feel and process through every emotion that goes through my body, I don’t need nor want anyone to dictate to me how I should feel. I want to do it the holistic way, I need to heal my whole body. And I need to do it in my time, not in anyone else’s time. Sitting down for a cup of coffee with a good friend is one way, that’s appealing to my human side. Sitting in meditation, whether it be in yoga class or in my closet (it’s quieter in there, LOL!) appeals to my spiritual side. Eating a bag of red vines, well that just appeals to my sugar side and I’m totally ok with that.

I try not to take things too personally, but the closer I get to someone the more personal I take it. You tell me you think I am stupid, well, I take that shit to heart… Don’t worry no one has told me that, it was just an example. If you say something, but then tell me I’m thinking to deeply. You are probably right, because I don’t know how else to think about it. I’ve always wondered what it is about me that pushes people away, I still don’t have all of those answers, but I believe I now have a clue. I can be a lot, I am intense and my energy can be overwhelming. I’m learning to dial it back a bit, that’s where meditation and grounding come in. I am learning that when I am centered and at peace, things can’t send me over the edge like what happened last night.

Do you remember that other person whom I said could break through my facade and see me? Well, to help myself, I adjusted our relationship to suit myself. And then eventually life and careers sent us even farther apart.  It has worked wonders in the relationship, I miss her something awful, but I wasn’t ok with someone breaking through my lies. HAHA! That sounds funny, but sometimes, I really just want to blend into the background with the things that are happening and keep it moving. I don’t want to analyze it or even think more about it in that moment. I don’t like to have other people see me in my true feelings and dealing with my true emotions. It was hard when I needed help with my child back some years ago, I have NEVER shown to anyone that I was weak. And to me that’s what that showed, that I was weak and unable to deal. I now know that’s not true, but for me that was my truth. I am still learning that it is ok for someone to see me cry, that it is ok to mourn and be unhappy and sad or whatever and it doesn’t show myself any weaker then what I am. it just shows me as human.

Well, this other friend who is like am mind reader, has innocently pushed a few buttons. Nothing horrible, just enough to make me want to take a small step back. And as I take that step back, I ask myself why do I feel like this is the answer to the situation. The plain and simple truth is… It’s easier, its less painful, and I don’t have to be held accountable to anyone but myself. So, Thank you for pushing me to my limits. Because if I hadn’t been, i wouldn’t have known these truths about myself.

This is me, standing in the truth of I like things to be easy, I like people to fall for the sweet facade I put up and I like it all to roll along in a cute little pakage. I have fallen in love with the lie that has been going on for so long, but I am ready to allow a different human being to put a small crack in it. My children and my husband being the firsts ones. I don’t know how this will look, I just know I will not hide.

Ildiko Ethaneal