Simply

Just another manic Monday


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Almost a week later…

Normally I write a reflection piece on my last year the night before or the night of my birthday. This year was different.

I’ve been 36 for 6 days now and I am enjoyingย all of that. I am 4 years closer to 40 and feeling so much like an adult. I know I’m an adult, but these last few years I’ve felt like I’m adulting even more. Yes, I know that’s not a word, but I’m going to use it anyways.

I’m more in tune with who I am and where I’m going. I am more determined and willing to take the risks (more so lately in the last year). I know what I like and I don’t settle for less. I am also not willing to spend time letting others define who and what I should be, nor do I spend my time with negative people. I feel like I should spend time with people of the same mindset and determination, it just makes for a better life.

Anyways, this last year I’ve wrestled with what religion is to me and I’ve finally figured it out and now just as before willing to stand in that truth. For me, that was one of the hardest parts of this year. Next was truly healing and being in the truth of my childhood. Realizing that it doesn’t define me, it is just a part of who I am. And that I can give all of the hurt and sadness power if I allow it. And this year I have finally decided to stop giving it power. It was a decision that has been for the better, I can’t say that there won’t be days where I am just present and mourning the things I have been through. I know there will be, but once I am able to mourn them I will be able to move forward. My biggest issue is I never mourned what happened, I just dealt with it. A coping mechanism that served me greatly in the beginning of life, one that won’t continue on past this moment.

I feel like I am more confidant, sexier, outspoken, and just all around more. Is it true you hit a certain point when you reach your 30s? It must be, because these last 6 years of my 30s on this earth have been so incredibly interesting and filling. Less is more, family over everything (and I mean the family I’ve made), I enjoy being touched more (just touched in general), I am learning to be more present in the things we do as a couple, by myself or with our whole family. After all the best part of the journey are the small moments all compiled into bigger moments.

Anyways, I ended my 30 days of writing by recording myself talking about the things that were swirling around in my head. Maybe at some point I will take those recordings and write them out and post them here. Some are so profound and others are just fun. Either way it goes I almost successfully posted a story for a full 30 days. I know I posted a photo or at least took a photo to be able to post it. I am proud of myself for sticking with it even when the most I could do was post a sentence or two, not entirely because I was tired but just because of where I was during that time of the month.

I ended November, remembering my grandmother through the cake my amazing husband baked for me. It was great and I’m glad I have someone who loves me enough to crack a shitload of walnuts, lol! But really, he is a great guy. Wouldn’t trade him for the world… Well, maybe for Denzel Washington but that’s besides the point. ๐Ÿ™‚

A couple of the last days of November seemed to drag on forever, I teared up a few times for the lose the little girl experienced at the age of 14. I grieved for the little girl who lost her whole world and had to suck it up and keep it moving because life wasn’t kind enough to allow her to pause and be in her grief. I grieved for the little girl who lost the one person she considered her mom and I grieved for the little girl who missed sitting in her grannies lap being held and hugged and kissed. Once I grieved for those loses I was able to be completely joyful in my truth of being a photographer.

I’ve been fighting it for such a long time, I am excited to take this new journey and to see where it takes me. I was able to shadow a photographer friend and her husband as they shot a wedding, not only did I shadow them I also took photos. It was amazing, and I loved every long minute of it. Being present in the love of someone else love, it gave me new meaning to the almost 9 year marriage of myself and that great guy, Ike.

Anyways, I am wondering from the intent of this post and so I will bring it back around to say. I am grateful to another year to be present in this life, to watch my children grow and experience life. I am grateful for friends and family who make this life journey amazing and fun. And I truly look forward to this next year and what 36 will look like at the end of the year.

Namaste!


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Stream of Consciousness

So, I’ve been writing and writing and then not writing. I’ve also on some occasions just because, did not post a story. So, this is me posting what I’ve been writing. Kind of…

START

I have so many things roaming around in my head so I will just grab one and write about it. I’ve been having this strong pull to do yoga and listen to a song called Happy Feelings. I’m not sure where the song is coming from, but overtime I wake up from sleep the song is on repeat until I actually pull it up and listen to it. I also have to sing some of the words.

It has been annoying for the most part, I don’t like having songs stuck in my head. But the other half likes it or at least the song so I won’t stop singing it. Maybe it has something to do with the old feel of the song. You know, it was sung my Maze after all.

So this yoga thing, I have dreams of doing handstands and doing things that require me to be limber. More limber then what I am, haha! We’ll see how that goes. I also have a need to do yoga with a specific person. I truly enjoyed her way of running the class so I think thats why I feel a pull to that.

For a little I was considering getting a life coach, and

STOP!

This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. Sorry, its posted late. But sometimes that’s just life.

NaBloPoMo November 2015


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Another year…

Disclaimer: I wrote this on December 14th… Didn’t feel like hitting publish until today.

I can’t believe it’s been 14 years, it still feels like yesterday when I got the call saying you passed. I had been meaning to give you a call for the past couple of days. I know you had been sick, but I was just about to tell you that your grandson had just started crawling. I knew you would be as excited as I was. 
As the day wound down and I sat in the chair to take a breather my phone rang. I picked it up and smiled, I looked over at the little boy playing so contently on the floor by my feet and answered the phone.

I instantly knew something was off but couldn’t place what it was. The person on the other end seemed like she was very sad and was trying to hold it together while talking to me. She asked a few simple questions and I answered each one on guard but also excited. The last thing I remember saying was, “Well, I had called a few times that week and hadn’t heard back. But I figured I would call the next morning…” 

And then my world was turned upside down for the 100th time in my life. My biggest supporter, the person who understood everything I had felt and was going through after finding out I was pregnant with Dboy was no longer alive. All I could think was but I had just talked to her like the week before. I was going to call the next morning to tell her about Dboy crawling. I had plans to come home for Thanksgivng. And at that moment none of that mattered. 

I knew I needed closer after you passed and I knew it would mean a lot to Grandpa, so we had Dboys first birthday party at your house. Just as we had his first celebration of his life. In your dining room, with you gushing over how incredible that little guy was. You helped make the transition into motherhood smoother, connecting me with moms whom I could talk with and other things. I knew as long as I had you in my corner I wouldn’t be alone…

It’s been 14 years and it still feels like it was yesterday.

NaBloPoMo November 2015


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He says/She says

My husband is pretty good at dishing out the things I don’t need to hear or the things that I’m thinking but refuse to say out loud. At least most times. 
Last night as we were winding down for bed we go over the day. The goods, bads and the ugly! Well last night his piece of knowledge is below…

Him: I think you need to stop harassing folks. 

Me: Huh? I don’t think that’s what I’m doing. I’m just asking simple questions.

Him: How long did it take for the response even though we’ve seen them in our presence with their phone. That’s an automatic sign if I don’t know what is. 

Me: But life, maybe they were just busy?!

Him: For 3 days? Come on Iiona, just stop.

Me: Fine, but I don’t think I’m…

Him: How many times do you need to hear a no in one week before you get it through your head?

Me: Dang, ok…

So, needless to say. Sometimes the dude is right. We’ve always said you can’t force someone to like you or want to even spend time with you and that includes family. We’ve also said we don’t want to feel a relationship is forced. 

So here we are standing in our truths. Sometimes we cross the street for others who won’t even lift a hand to wave at us from across the street… 

Le Sigh! 

NaBloPoMo November 2015