Simply

Just another manic Monday

Tag Archives: NaBloPoMo


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Setting Intentions

Most days I start my morning by hitting snooze a few times, or as Ike says by not hearing my alarm. Most times I’ve went to bed the night before entirely too late and so I’m just purely exhausted. Or, I will enjoy a glass of wine and it helps to relax me enough to sleep hard. LOL!

Anyways, I’m onto a new mission lately. I’m always trying new things to help further myself and to reach whatever it is in one piece with feet firmly planted on the floor. So my new initiative as of late is to set an intention for my day. It sounded so great to do while in yoga I figured I would extend it out past that. I’ve never been one to wake up and say, I’m going to have an awesome day. I feel it and I go with the flow. Now, I’m intentionally saying it out loud to myself or anyone else that wants to hear it and going from there.

For a while I was saying a specific thing or set of words every morning. Like, “Today I will do x, y, and z.” But now I am remembering to take three minutes every morning to just focus on my breathing. Inhaling for 4 seconds, holding it for 5 seconds, exhaling for 6 seconds. I’m not sure if that’s how it goes, but it works. Sometimes I close my eyes and think of all the great things that will happen during the day. I pause long enough to move my head around on my neck, bend down and stretch.

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Sometimes, especially lately, I forget what is so great about the day. Sometimes I get caught up in the negative talk about people, places and things. And I can feel it draining all of my energy. I need to remind people and myself, especially myself that I can stop and smell the roses. Or watch a butterfly.

I’m also trying to be proactive and help myself along this healing journey. I don’t want to always feel tired, sad, anxious, and over the process. Some days I just want to hear the birds, see the sunset/sunrise, or watch an Eagle soar on the wind. So here’s to setting intentions, for changing the narrative and for having the courage to know there can be something different!

Namaste

Sweet dreams are made of these…

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And so it begins… me trying to get my creative mojo back. I haven’t written anything anywhere in over a year. I’ve felt stuck, silenced, angry, hurt, frustrated, sad. I’ve felt like this last year has been a constant battle of fighting my inner demons. I’ve felt like me trying to write down what I’m experiencing and going through would make it smaller somehow. My limited vocabulary would not do it justice. And by limited I mean something’s can’t be put into words, they can only be felt.

Welcome November! One of my least favorite months of the year. I’m trying to change that narrative. So much happens in this month, I go through a lifetime of changes in 30 days. Sometimes I make it out with minimal scars and other times, well those times are dark…

So back to welcoming November… I’m doing 30 days of writing, reflecting, and hopefully moving forward one day at a time. I decided to join up with a group of people who love to write and will be writing everyday. Ignore the fact that it’s already day two and nothing has been posted yet, mkay!

Today’s prompt is What are your dreams? The first thought that popped in to my head was the song by Eurythmics.

Sweet dreams are made of this

Who am I to disagree?

I travel the world

And seven seas,

Everybody’s looking for something.

I’m not sure why this song was the first thing that came to mind, but I’m kind of glad it did. Mostly. I’ve been humming this song almost everyday since it showed up. Most of the memories surrounding this song are when I was a young girl. My family was living with my aunt and her children. We lived off of Bluff street in Madison, WI. Small house on a sort of major road. My aunt had a pet dog, but he ended up dying. I remember powdered milk and honey smacks cereal and broken promises and physical abuse. Sometimes those memories, I wish they were just all a bad dream. Not bits and pieces of my past, my childhood.

You know the biggest thing that I’ve noticed since starting counseling is that not only were the bad things suppressed, so were the good things. Also, what comes with those memories is the emotions. Those I can definitely do without. All of the pent up and stuffed emotions I had over 30+ years. Not getting out anger, frustration, hurt, sadness. All of that wants to join the memories. I truly only have the capacity for laughter and sarcasm. Because if I can crack a joke, I will live to see another day. I’ve gotten so good at cracking jokes and making light of situations, that when the situation isn’t something I can joke away I don’t know how to deal. I can’t figure out how to not let it become all consuming. It’s a good thing I have a counselor who understands that and will sit with those emotions for me, even if I can’t do it for myself. It is nice not having to shoulder the burden of all of that alone anymore.

fullsizeoutput_415dAnyways, as of late my dreams are elusive. I know I have them and I can feel when I’m in them. Sometimes I even know I”m dreaming when I’m dreaming. But I can’t remember them to save my life after i wake up. Maybe that’s my minds way of protecting me from getting a constant barrage of images as of late. Because somehow I have triggered myself and I’m trying to find my way back to zero. Because I’m pacing my floors, repeating the same things over and over and just overall anxious. 

When I mention that I am triggered, thats me saying something I said, did, listened to, saw, read, anything has triggered my body/mind/soul into thinking we need to be on heightened awareness. Sometimes the awareness is I feel like I’m not safe, other times its just a basic feeling of dread and fear, and still other times I have no idea what it is so I’m just pacing my floors.

Bringing your attention to the photo above, its pretty cool huh?! The black and white gives me a dream vibe. The tree just stood out to me, plus the location is a reminder that I was able to go back and conquer a fear I had as a teen. Devil’s Lake is gorgeous, I am so happy I was able to share that with my three littles.


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Almost a week later…

Normally I write a reflection piece on my last year the night before or the night of my birthday. This year was different.

I’ve been 36 for 6 days now and I am enjoying all of that. I am 4 years closer to 40 and feeling so much like an adult. I know I’m an adult, but these last few years I’ve felt like I’m adulting even more. Yes, I know that’s not a word, but I’m going to use it anyways.

I’m more in tune with who I am and where I’m going. I am more determined and willing to take the risks (more so lately in the last year). I know what I like and I don’t settle for less. I am also not willing to spend time letting others define who and what I should be, nor do I spend my time with negative people. I feel like I should spend time with people of the same mindset and determination, it just makes for a better life.

Anyways, this last year I’ve wrestled with what religion is to me and I’ve finally figured it out and now just as before willing to stand in that truth. For me, that was one of the hardest parts of this year. Next was truly healing and being in the truth of my childhood. Realizing that it doesn’t define me, it is just a part of who I am. And that I can give all of the hurt and sadness power if I allow it. And this year I have finally decided to stop giving it power. It was a decision that has been for the better, I can’t say that there won’t be days where I am just present and mourning the things I have been through. I know there will be, but once I am able to mourn them I will be able to move forward. My biggest issue is I never mourned what happened, I just dealt with it. A coping mechanism that served me greatly in the beginning of life, one that won’t continue on past this moment.

I feel like I am more confidant, sexier, outspoken, and just all around more. Is it true you hit a certain point when you reach your 30s? It must be, because these last 6 years of my 30s on this earth have been so incredibly interesting and filling. Less is more, family over everything (and I mean the family I’ve made), I enjoy being touched more (just touched in general), I am learning to be more present in the things we do as a couple, by myself or with our whole family. After all the best part of the journey are the small moments all compiled into bigger moments.

Anyways, I ended my 30 days of writing by recording myself talking about the things that were swirling around in my head. Maybe at some point I will take those recordings and write them out and post them here. Some are so profound and others are just fun. Either way it goes I almost successfully posted a story for a full 30 days. I know I posted a photo or at least took a photo to be able to post it. I am proud of myself for sticking with it even when the most I could do was post a sentence or two, not entirely because I was tired but just because of where I was during that time of the month.

I ended November, remembering my grandmother through the cake my amazing husband baked for me. It was great and I’m glad I have someone who loves me enough to crack a shitload of walnuts, lol! But really, he is a great guy. Wouldn’t trade him for the world… Well, maybe for Denzel Washington but that’s besides the point. 🙂

A couple of the last days of November seemed to drag on forever, I teared up a few times for the lose the little girl experienced at the age of 14. I grieved for the little girl who lost her whole world and had to suck it up and keep it moving because life wasn’t kind enough to allow her to pause and be in her grief. I grieved for the little girl who lost the one person she considered her mom and I grieved for the little girl who missed sitting in her grannies lap being held and hugged and kissed. Once I grieved for those loses I was able to be completely joyful in my truth of being a photographer.

I’ve been fighting it for such a long time, I am excited to take this new journey and to see where it takes me. I was able to shadow a photographer friend and her husband as they shot a wedding, not only did I shadow them I also took photos. It was amazing, and I loved every long minute of it. Being present in the love of someone else love, it gave me new meaning to the almost 9 year marriage of myself and that great guy, Ike.

Anyways, I am wondering from the intent of this post and so I will bring it back around to say. I am grateful to another year to be present in this life, to watch my children grow and experience life. I am grateful for friends and family who make this life journey amazing and fun. And I truly look forward to this next year and what 36 will look like at the end of the year.

Namaste!


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Stream of Consciousness

So, I’ve been writing and writing and then not writing. I’ve also on some occasions just because, did not post a story. So, this is me posting what I’ve been writing. Kind of…

START

I have so many things roaming around in my head so I will just grab one and write about it. I’ve been having this strong pull to do yoga and listen to a song called Happy Feelings. I’m not sure where the song is coming from, but overtime I wake up from sleep the song is on repeat until I actually pull it up and listen to it. I also have to sing some of the words.

It has been annoying for the most part, I don’t like having songs stuck in my head. But the other half likes it or at least the song so I won’t stop singing it. Maybe it has something to do with the old feel of the song. You know, it was sung my Maze after all.

So this yoga thing, I have dreams of doing handstands and doing things that require me to be limber. More limber then what I am, haha! We’ll see how that goes. I also have a need to do yoga with a specific person. I truly enjoyed her way of running the class so I think thats why I feel a pull to that.

For a little I was considering getting a life coach, and

STOP!

This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. Sorry, its posted late. But sometimes that’s just life.