Simply

Just another manic Monday


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What I know…

I know that these last few months have been some of the most trying, full and enjoyable experiences of my life. Maybe it has something to do with how I’m viewing myself through this process. 

In November I thought the world would be better without me, or at least my pain and agony would cease to exist. What I know from that is, it would end for me but continue on through the people I would leave behind. During those dark moments you can’t see that. All you see is that you are alone, you are less than and that you are in pain and you would do ANYTHING to stop that pain. 

In December, I made the conscious decision to tell someone what was going on in my head. And what I mean is that I not only told my counselor, I talked with my doctor, I talked with my husband, I talked with my kiddos Godmom. I told friends and I put it on my blog. I asked for help and THAT was the single most hardest decision I have ever made. Things like that thrive in secrecy. I’m so glad I choose to reach out. I can’t say I loved the process. Because let’s be honest, I am an independent soul and I felt like I was being told to tell people my every move. I had weekly, sometimes daily check-ins. I had to give up things that made me feel safe but could also harm me. What I can say is there is power in support, positive thinking, and prayer. Thank you! 

In February I welcomed a baby niece and a few short weeks later I was given another niece. I love them as much as if they were my own.

One half of JZ

The other half of JZ

 JZ are absolutely perfect in every way. My heart was full. But… it also bought up that little thing that likes to pop up every now and then. Wanting another baby of my own. I know, I know. I joke a lot about not wanting to be pregnant again or going through labor again or even sleepless nights. But joking is also my coping mechanism. The urge to want to have a baby didn’t come around until after we had to give up the twins and their brother. In my heart I know what we did was best for us. Three was a LOT of work, at times I was overwhelmed. But it opened up in me the reminder that I couldn’t have another one of my own. The thought of going through what I did with Marie’s birth seriously gives me heart palpitations and anxiety. We almost lost her, I’m not sure I wouldn’t have that fear and stress in the back of my mind the whole pregnancy. And so because that was so traumatic, shortly after she was born I asked Ike to get a vasectomy. And he did. At the time it was the best decision and to be honest, I feel like it is still the best decision. But it doesn’t change the fact that my body aches to have a baby to carry and love and nurse. I’m slowly figuring out how to navigate those mindfields. For now I do it by getting some much needed snuggles from my beautiful baby nieces. I might or might not spoil them, but I can’t confirm that. I do want to add, we’ve had (Ike and I) that conversation. And we both agree that unless it’s meant to be (as in I get pregnant), we will not be taking in any infants or toddlers through foster care. Even though on occasion I ask him if he is absolutely positively for sure… What I know is that I can hold the sorrow of not having my own AND the joy of being an auntie twice over all together and still be happy. That is truly amazing to me. I’m learning and growing daily!

March came and went so fast, I’m still trying to figure out where it went. But what I do know is that I Love my husband more today than I did yesterday, or even ten years ago. And I say that because we just celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary. 

Happy 10th Anniversary


It was truly magical and everything we wanted. To be surrounded by friends and family. To have the same feel as our wedding and to be enjoyed by all. I’ll share pictures and more about that later. I also know that if I hadn’t learned even a little about making MYSELF happy, no one else would be able to. And so to be at this point is huge for me. We were close to being divorced on a couple of different occasions. The thing that helped us was taking each moment, hour, day, week, month at a time. 

April has been a time of slowin down, enjoying the quiet moments and spending time with family and friends. We celebrated the 5th birthday of our extra baby. 

Celebrating with classmates


Watching her be loved on and celebrated was absolutely adorable and so amazing. To see the pure look of joy and excitement in receiving was something I will cherish forever. To have something that is hers, and hers alone made her so incredibly happy. Im happy we got to see and experience that. What a gift! 

April has also been a full month, the group I was in has been cancelled because by the end I was the only one showing up. So I have to find and get comfortable in another group. I have a story about that too. Lol! We will be leaving next month on a six week roadtrip, yes I said six whole weeks! I am beyond excited. This trip will be epic. 

This is us filling out passport paperwork


It will include Canada, and the East Coast. With lots of time with friends and family along the way. Which leads me to add that our oldest daughter will be joining us in week two and stay with us through the end. I am excited for Ike and the kiddos. They get to spend some much wanted and needed time with an older sibling they didn’t get to grow up with. And I am lucky enough I get to watch all of it happen! 

For now that’s all I have, maybe I’ll finish those other stories and schedule them to post over the next few days. 

Namaste my Friends!

I

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Kind of silent share

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So we have a lot going on, I have a lot to catch you up on. But I feel bad that this site has kind of fallen to the side. I swear, it’s coming back! I love to post pictures with my commentary and for some reason I don’t have enough space to do that. Lol! So I’m working on updating and getting my other site up and running. I’ve actually had it for a few years now, just had it connected to this one. Because…. too much work. More on that later, for now. Enjoy this adorable photo of D-boy and mKK watching the girls play soccer this past weekend. 
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Happy Thursday Folks! Iiona

Happy Holidays!

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I know, I know I’m late with the Holiday cards. It is what it is. I got the picture done, now all I have to do is get the picture printed and taped to a card and mail it off. I also have to make and send off our vow renewal invites too. I’m glad I’m not expecting a ton of people to come, LOL! Otherwise I would feel overwhelmed with the things I need to get done. 

I’ve been wanting to write for so long, I’ve started so many stories and then kept them to myself. Maybe later on I will share. Right now I’m just surviving, mostly. I’m battling tiredness, like it seems extreme tiredness. I’m trying to see if its the medication or if its just life. I believe it’s a combination of the two. Always being tired makes for long days, trying to force myself to get some energy and do something. I feel like if I can get past the tiredness and go out and do something I will catch my break, but as of now… I can barely remove myself from my couch. And when I do, I return even more tired. 

So I’ve been trying to adjust my diet to possibly help with that. More salads and fruits, more water, and orange juice to combat the stupid allergies I still have. 


We’ve had so many fun things happening over the last month or so. Let’s see, we took in a foster placement. Her nickname is mKK. Some days I’m happy all we have is one kiddo and other days I feel like we have three foster kiddos. She is a lot of work. And I mean she is a lot of work emotionally, I’m still trying to figure out how to navigate that. It is such a peculiar place to find myself in. Maybe one day I will explain more of what I mean. Right now I will stick to the surface of it. I believe she really does like it here, she is the baby in the house so she pretty much gets all of the attention. But it also doesn’t mean we’re going to let you get away with murder or not help clean up the toys you pulled out. 

Let’s see, Mouse was accepted into a summer ballet intensive again. She is very excited and looking forward to it. I am just trying to remember to send off the scholarship application to help pay for it. $1000 for two weeks is intense for one kiddo, so any help she can get is always nice. LOL! She also recently got her first pair of pointe shoes. She was so incredibly excited, and I was just excited for her. She will be amazing and absolutely beautiful. She entered a picture into a photo contest through her school and she won and was able to move forward to the state competition level. At school her classmates and teachers nominated her for an award on Service. And today she will be honored at a Black History Banquet for her achievements lately. She is an amazing little human being. I am constantly in awe of what she wants and how she goes for it. 

On February 8th, we welcomed a niece into our family. My little sister had a baby girl. GUYS, she is absolutely amazing and adorable and I love her so. I am obsessed with her and snapping her picture. I’m happy I have a new subject to take pictures of. LOL!

On March 31st, Ike and I will be celebrating 10 years of us… married that is. It seems so weird to be here. I’m glad we are, he is annoying and so am I. But I do so love that guy. To celebrate this amazing milestone we are doing a vow renewal. Nothing big. We have a friend who is going to do the ceremony and another friend who will take the pictures. It will be at the local park here in G-Town and we will offer desserts at our house after. We wanted it to stay close to our theme from our wedding. Small, personal and with those who have been a big part of our family. We still have some red as our colors, just a deeper more rich red. Kind of like our marriage. A lot deeper and more rich. I’m looking forward to it. I just need to practice making th cake and cupcakes before we get to the actual date. Yeah, I didn’t mention that part did I. 

We cooked for our wedding so why not bake for our renewal?! I’ll do a cake, some cupcakes and possibly a cheesecake and offer chocolates (again) as a Thank you for coming we Love y’all!

The coolest thing is we’ve committed to do a five week summer road trip. I am soooooooo excited about this road trip. We have the basic locations planned out, and the dates we want to be in those locations. Now we’re letting people know in those locations to make sure they will be there and we can see them. Next will be a kind of narrowing down of things we might want to do while we are in those locations. I love planning road trips. This will be the longest we will be gone on a road trip so I’m nervous how we will feel after day 14, but I’m also just excited for the opportunity. 

Anyways, the sun is peeking through my window and I hear two little girls awake. So I’m going to go and get them dressed and ready for the day. My morning mantra has been, “Let’s Get It!” 

So here’s to an amazing Saturday… Let’s Get It!!!

Iiona


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When you have a free moment…

When you have a free moment use it! The girls and I dropped the babies off for a visit with their momma and headed out for a quick let’s knock some stuff off of our summer bingo board. So we went to two different farmers markets, saw some chickens, explored a small farm and got tons of hot sun.

I’ll take it. It’s in the small moments that you learn and see the most.

Oh yeah this truck and the lane I’m in speaks volumes of my addiction to scary movies… Final Destination is the movie I’m referring to. Lol!


Namaste, I