Pictures from my birthday…
I know, I know I’m late with the Holiday cards. It is what it is. I got the picture done, now all I have to do is get the picture printed and taped to a card and mail it off. I also have to make and send off our vow renewal invites too. I’m glad I’m not expecting a ton of people to come, LOL! Otherwise I would feel overwhelmed with the things I need to get done.
I’ve been wanting to write for so long, I’ve started so many stories and then kept them to myself. Maybe later on I will share. Right now I’m just surviving, mostly. I’m battling tiredness, like it seems extreme tiredness. I’m trying to see if its the medication or if its just life. I believe it’s a combination of the two. Always being tired makes for long days, trying to force myself to get some energy and do something. I feel like if I can get past the tiredness and go out and do something I will catch my break, but as of now… I can barely remove myself from my couch. And when I do, I return even more tired.
So I’ve been trying to adjust my diet to possibly help with that. More salads and fruits, more water, and orange juice to combat the stupid allergies I still have.
We’ve had so many fun things happening over the last month or so. Let’s see, we took in a foster placement. Her nickname is mKK. Some days I’m happy all we have is one kiddo and other days I feel like we have three foster kiddos. She is a lot of work. And I mean she is a lot of work emotionally, I’m still trying to figure out how to navigate that. It is such a peculiar place to find myself in. Maybe one day I will explain more of what I mean. Right now I will stick to the surface of it. I believe she really does like it here, she is the baby in the house so she pretty much gets all of the attention. But it also doesn’t mean we’re going to let you get away with murder or not help clean up the toys you pulled out.
Let’s see, Mouse was accepted into a summer ballet intensive again. She is very excited and looking forward to it. I am just trying to remember to send off the scholarship application to help pay for it. $1000 for two weeks is intense for one kiddo, so any help she can get is always nice. LOL! She also recently got her first pair of pointe shoes. She was so incredibly excited, and I was just excited for her. She will be amazing and absolutely beautiful. She entered a picture into a photo contest through her school and she won and was able to move forward to the state competition level. At school her classmates and teachers nominated her for an award on Service. And today she will be honored at a Black History Banquet for her achievements lately. She is an amazing little human being. I am constantly in awe of what she wants and how she goes for it.
On February 8th, we welcomed a niece into our family. My little sister had a baby girl. GUYS, she is absolutely amazing and adorable and I love her so. I am obsessed with her and snapping her picture. I’m happy I have a new subject to take pictures of. LOL!
On March 31st, Ike and I will be celebrating 10 years of us… married that is. It seems so weird to be here. I’m glad we are, he is annoying and so am I. But I do so love that guy. To celebrate this amazing milestone we are doing a vow renewal. Nothing big. We have a friend who is going to do the ceremony and another friend who will take the pictures. It will be at the local park here in G-Town and we will offer desserts at our house after. We wanted it to stay close to our theme from our wedding. Small, personal and with those who have been a big part of our family. We still have some red as our colors, just a deeper more rich red. Kind of like our marriage. A lot deeper and more rich. I’m looking forward to it. I just need to practice making th cake and cupcakes before we get to the actual date. Yeah, I didn’t mention that part did I.
We cooked for our wedding so why not bake for our renewal?! I’ll do a cake, some cupcakes and possibly a cheesecake and offer chocolates (again) as a Thank you for coming we Love y’all!
The coolest thing is we’ve committed to do a five week summer road trip. I am soooooooo excited about this road trip. We have the basic locations planned out, and the dates we want to be in those locations. Now we’re letting people know in those locations to make sure they will be there and we can see them. Next will be a kind of narrowing down of things we might want to do while we are in those locations. I love planning road trips. This will be the longest we will be gone on a road trip so I’m nervous how we will feel after day 14, but I’m also just excited for the opportunity.
Anyways, the sun is peeking through my window and I hear two little girls awake. So I’m going to go and get them dressed and ready for the day. My morning mantra has been, “Let’s Get It!”
So here’s to an amazing Saturday… Let’s Get It!!!
***I wrote this on December 11th, 2016. I’m going to post it as is, I won’t add to it.***
I keep pacing the floors of our house, repeating the same thing over and over and over again. I’m anxious, unfocused and can’t sit still. I’ve looked in our fridge over 10 times in the last 20 minutes. The contents don’t change, they stay the same. But my mind tells me that I haven’t done that yet and so I remember I’ve looked in the fridge as I’m standing looking into the fridge.
Most times when I get like that I force myself to sit down and do mindless tasks. But even that seems like too much. I’ve closed and reopened the same app at least 20 times in the last 10 minutes. And now here I am going through my blog, reading old posts and remembering what was happening to me at this time last year or even the year before.
I think I’ve done the November blog post a day the last couple of years. I signed up for it this year and because of where I was mentally and physically I just opted not to write on the blog. I spent countless hours writing but saving it on my phone, uploading it or writing it with pen and paper. It’s always interesting when I’m done writing to see how many pages of paper I’ve filled.
The last one I did was 19 pages front and back. It was me writing out how the last session with my counselor would go, what my responses would be and what I wanted to talk about. I can laugh about that now… it never goes as planned, as the way I have it written down and hoped it would go.
When I got to my session, I looked at her and literally pulled out my stack of 19 pages and said this is the conversation I had with you last night. It went great and I think we figured out a lot… but things never go as planned do they?! And then we chuckled, me more because I was irritated that I was about to cry and I felt so incredibly bare. I.Love.Control. Anyway I can have it I take it. Especially when it comes to matters of the heart, of my past and the such. I need to be able to control that part of me. And she (meaning me) just doesn’t like to listen to reason. So I end up feeling small and alone and vulnerable. I don’t like that.
Namaste my friends,
It’s been so long since I’ve sat down and written a story for my blog. I’ve been writing and writing, just nothing that I am willing to share quite yet. It’s been a rather interesting month and a half.
I successfully (but with major scars) made it through the month of November. I spent the first part of my birthday taking photos for a wedding. It was small, quaint and full of love and support. I feel truly blessed that I was able to be there to capture it for them. I’ve seen majority of the pictures and can’t wait to edit them.
Thanksgiving was a conundrum. Because our littlest one had the most insane skin flare up ever. And so there was a moment that we thought she would need to get admitted to the hospital because of how bad it was. Not only that but that morning I woke up happy and excited and by the end of the day I was fighting off triggers and depressed feelings. It got pretty scary.
I try to be an open book when it comes to my journey but in reality sometimes I’m just not because it’s easier to keep it bottled up. But for the remainder of that week and for at least a week to follow I fought hard feelings of committing suicide. I have had flashbacks, and smells and sights. But I’ve never had a trigger as strong as I did, where I was so completely lost and confused on where I was in time. The only thing that kept reminding me where I was were my kiddos and my favorite calming song, Sitting on the Doc of the Bay…
Because the trigger was so strong, the side effects have lasted for weeks. I’m tired emotionally, physically and mentally. I feel like I am on alert at all times, but also like I am trying to forge out calm. It is such a weird place to be in. Of course my sleeping and waking stages are off, and that alone is driving me crazy. I finally realized it was time to call my PCP for some type of medication when I had serious thoughts of voluntarily committing myself to an inpatient hospital so that I could not hurt myself.
I’ve officially been on medication for a week, I don’t like any of it. It makes me tired, which I guess is good because my sleep was lacking. But now I’m so tired I just crash every night. I haven’t remembered one dream over the last week. Last night I forgot to take my medication and I woke up this morning and had a small memory of my dreams. But what I noticed the most was underneath it all, underneath the medication, the sleep, the tiredness, etc… I am just incredibly sad and exhausted. I’m managing my days well mostly. My energy is low, so I’m trying to work on that. Initially I tried with caffeine. That doesn’t do anything. So I’ve been doing it with food. Not unhealthy food, which is a good start. I have been eating almonds, carrots, snap peas, salads, etc. I would enjoy some grapes but they are a hit or a miss because they aren’t technically in season.
I have been in communication with my counselor, so she knows. She is sweet, she has built in a weekly check-in between our visits. I understand why she did it… But doesn’t mean that I like it. LOL! She also highly suggested that I voluntarily hand my weapons over to someone that will put them away and not tell me where. I just want to say I feel completely naked without my knife. That has been my comfort for knowing that I can protect myself if I needed to. But I guess something that protects can also cause harm. And so I am slowly learning how it feels to be naked and vulnerable without my protection. As of now my mindset is, “It is what it is…” and all of these people are truly annoying me. Like enough to make me say something but not enough to be rude or disrespectful. Because I am trusting that they have my best interest at heart.
Anyways, today is another ‘slow’ morning. I’ve been cleaning to clear my mind, lol! I hate cleaning. Or more like I dislike cleaning with a passion. I’ve been making small check off lists and crossing things off. It feels good to be able to do that. It’s the small victories. I got up and brushed my teeth. I ate some food. I helped our elves make muffins for the kiddos. I got five kiddos off to school with little fanfare. And now I’m planning to go get a few more things for our elves so they can do more fun things this weekend. I’ve been slacking on that end and the girls miss it tons.
I think the weirdest part of this whole experience over the last week is we took in an emergency respite placement of two kiddos. They are older than what we are used to and they are older than what we would ever want in our home. The girl is 11 and the boy is 12. Having the girl in the house is like looking in a mirror. She has been through a lot and has experienced even more. I can see that she is a fighter, but I can also see where she is just plain tired and exhausted. Since being in our house she has slept longer and seems a little more chill. But this is also the honeymoon period. It’s only through next week, but Ike and I have been talking about whether we want it to be more long term. We can see their potential, but we are not oblivious to the amount of work it will be to help them reach it. If not with us, we truly hope they are reunited with their momma. They both seem to want to go back, but they haven’t been with her in such a long time that I’m not sure the girl is entirely sure anymore.
I am asking for prayers, for myself, for the two kiddos we have in our home and of course for my own children and my other half. There is a lot going on, somethings are known and some things not everyone knows. Eventually I think everyone will be caught up to speed. But for now slow and steady is also my mantra.
Love and Light my friends, Namaste.