Just another manic Monday


Love Letters…

  I turn over and open my eyes. I find you already awake watching me sleep. Sometimes that is too much for me, I might give out more information about myself while I’m sleeping then when I’m awake. I mean my guards are down and I’m completely at ease. I can’t control the situation. 

I think that’s my problem, the loss in control. I need to feel as if I’m in control at all times, when that control slips I slip. But let’s be honest, the only thing I can control is my body. And sometimes I can’t even control that. It’s not a bad thing, it’s just a thing. 

And so I bring my focus back to the moment and stretch, that gives me a moment and then I say Good Morning! Your focus never wavers from my face, I can feel it burning a hole. My brain goes into over drive trying to remember the dream I was just having, making sure I didn’t sleep talk. Because for some reason I feel like I could be in trouble.

Turns out that’s not the issue, as a matter of fact. The issue is you just want to have some one on one time with me before our children wake. Normally, I would kindly remind you I am not a morning lover. And list our children as the reason for that. But today, today I breathe… 

And after I’ve caught my breath again, we start our day. Sometimes, taking a breath before answering the question that’s been asked can and does net a different answer.

I know this doesn’t sound like a love letter… But it is, it’s my kind of love letter.

I Love You!


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The shoulder to cry on…

So, I have this friend who is in the last leg of getting a divorce. She has a ton of stuff going on on top of that and so we’ve been talking a lot lately. I guess I’m her ear, it can get heavy.

She was in an abusive relationship. She finally got out. And at some point our conversation last night ventured to her stating she felt she made a big mistake, she misses her best friend, life was great with him and that it couldn’t be any worse then what it was currently. I think I might have made a sound that was the combination of a choke and a chortle. I said did you just say what I think you just said? I instantly went into a spiel of what she possibly forgot when she was missing this dude. You know, mainly the ass whooping a he would hand out on a regular. Or the multiple times he had forced himself on her. Or the time CPS became involved in their lives. I said it rather harshly and with much judgement. Because I felt it was my duty to make her see the err in her thinking. Dammit! I had been talking her out of this relationship for over 4 years & she was finally out. But wanting to go back. I was HOT! 

Let me explain to you why I was so pissed… I had been in a relationship that was abusive before. I knew where she was coming from and I said the things I wished I had someone to say to me back then. But I wouldn’t have heard them back then. I thought I deserved what I got and so I dealt. Even as I flashback to those moments in time. I can feel what I felt and how I thought he loved me. Isn’t that how someone shows you they love you? For me growing up love looked like abuse and taking advantage. Love looked like him choking me and telling me I was a bad girl for what I had done earlier. Love looked like me begging for relief so that I could just breathe. Love looked like me being scared to go home but having nowhere else to go. Love smelled like desperation and sweat. Love felt like tears streaming down my face and constant pain. Love tasted like the blood I would swallow after biting my tongue or getting hit. Love was not kind, it was rough and hard. It didn’t care what I said or how hard I tried. It would look at me and laugh. It would tell me over and over that I was ugly & that no one would ever want me…


Love… But I couldn’t live my life at that time without it. It was what I knew to be true and consistent. Love never lied, I always knew how love felt, what love thought and how I turned love on. I knew without a doubt love would feed me, clothe me, and fuck me. These three things I knew for sure. The one time I got away from love, I ran back to him. Because I thought love was the only way to make it in this world. And that night I cried and screamed and begged love to leave me alone. He simply looked at me and told me I was his and he didn’t have to stop. And then he fucked me, beat me and went to bed for a good nights rest. I did all I could not to kill love. He deserved it and more. But I would be no match to him if he woke up. So I stayed in the bathroom, huddled in the shower and at first light I left love for good. I left Minnesota and returned to Wisconsin.  

My ego was crushed, my spirit torn but I was happy. I had survived. And as I thought about all of that while I talked to my friend. I realized I needed to be gentle with her. I needed to let her talk and listen to her. I needed to be still so that I may hear the message that I needed to hear. I also realized I needed to be kind and gentle with myself. I wasn’t mad at her, I was mad at myself. I was upset for allowing a man to another person treat me like garbage and being ok with it. 

I am not in that time or in that place. But I needed to go back there to know how to be here for my friend now. I hope she can hear what I’m saying or not saying. I want her to be able to talk without judgement. Because I was never allowed to talk with anyone. I didn’t have a friend to call and cry my eyes out to. I was my own shoulder. And sometimes I still feel like that. I am learning how to be ok with being strong for myself. Because if not me, then who? What I’m saying is more then just the basics. It’s the knowing. And what I know for sure is… I am always here. The voices in my head, they are always here. But people, people can be flaky. Myself included. And so I don’t hold my breath, I learn to breathe even when it feels as if my whole world is caving in.

And so tonight, be gentle, be kind, call that person whose been on your mind and let them know you are thinking of them. You never know, it could save someone’s life. 

And most of all, if you are reading this… I care deeply for you and wish you love and light!


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Finding solace in friendships

I’m not implying that I need to be comforted, I’m just implying that finding that one group of friends who is on the same wavelength as you is so very comforting!  
Being able to not only spend time with those people, but also being able to break bread with them and truly enjoy ones self!

I pray my children are able to find such people to enrich their lives, to encourage them as much as they are an encouragement, to be able to lend a listening ear as much as be able to be lend a shoulder to cry on.

To know that you are where you are supposed to be at that exact moment… To realize that the friendship is now a family  and to realize time is of no existence when you are together. That is true friendship!

I pray everyone has that one group of friends that gives them great solace and the ability to share such amazing food! 



Learning to take a moment…

The last two days I decided to put all responsibilities on hold that could survive neglect for 24/48 hours and read a book. An actual paper book. It felt amazing & im looking forward to doing it again. 

The nice part, is the person who wrote the book is an old high school friend. I’m excited for her, she is currently writing her second book. I look forward to reading that one as well!

Anyways, Goodnight!


Happy Mother’s Day…

I couldn’t let this day pass without posting something. The week before I had all of the time in the world to write and then schedule the posts to publish each day of that week. It was PERFECT! I’m so doing that again, LOL!

Mi Familia

Ike, Myself and D-boy

Anyways, this day comes every year and every year it means something different to me. Let me explain… When I was in elementary school, Mother’s Day meant something. I had my granny around, life wasn’t great but it was bearable most times and I was able to celebrate the one who was raising me. Not consistently in her presence, but at least a phone call away. We moved around a LOT when I was growing up. When I became a middle school child, Mother’s Day was something different. I hated celebrating it, why celebrate someone who doesn’t even want you to begin with. But I grinned and did my half-ass part, I which I never want my own children to do.

Mi Familia

D-boy, Mini Mouse and Miss Marie

When I was in High school, depending on the year Mother’s Day was an in-between. Ninth grade year… I hated everything about it, my granny passed in November of my 9th grade year. Just two short days after my birthday… That was heavy, that was a lot, that almost broke me. I knew my life was over when she passed and the one person I had in my corner was gone. But lucky me, I had a fill in. Someone who loved me as much as she loved her own children. It amazed me that someone could love me so much and treat me like her own, she was right on time. She came in during my 10th and 11th grade times in school. In my Senior year, I had another fill in mother. I am sad to say that she passed away last year. She took me in when no one else would. Though it was short lived and I was scared and angry, she did what I had hoped I never had to deal with. I hope she knew how much I appreciated her kindness and open heart for taking me in. Again, it wasn’t all peaches and cream, but it sustained me enough to make it through my senior year of high school.

Mi Familia

Ike, D-boy, Mini Mouse and myself

The day I graduated from High School was my lowest point, I”m sure Ive had lower, but this one felt like rock bottom. I ended up on the streets, it wasn’t crazy. I mean I “lived” in Brooklyn Park, MN. It was the suburbs, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t scary trying to find myself somewhere to sleep. Basically I slept in a park that night, and I cried, and screamed and fought thoughts on killing myself. So by Mother’s Day… well… FUCK MOTHER’S DAY!


My Godmom, Godsisters, baby sister, niece and my BIL

I was lucky to have a friend who took me in at the crack of dawn and her mother allowed me to stay with them. Another amazing fill in mother. She wasn’t easy on me, made me work and contribute to the house. And I did it without hesitation or questions, I knew that at any moment she could change her mind and I would again be on the streets. And I didn’t want that, so I walked the line. Actually tip toed that line. I didn’t want her angry or mad at me. I needn’t worry about it because I was able to stay with them for over 2 years, I was family and I still am. I was able to see Mother’s Day differently over those 2 years, and I enjoyed celebrating a mother that was so great.

Mis Amores

Godmom, godsisters, baby sister and D-boy

I’m not saying that I didn’t miss those that were gone, I just found a new way to celebrate this Holiday. So that I could be happy in some way and that I could help to bring happiness to those that helped me out when I needed it most.

My Godmom… The best Fill in a girl could ask for!

My Godmom and my children’s Godmom! So much love and admiration I have for them both.

My baby sister and i grew up together and we were each other’s backbone and support. Through all of the things we went through I knew I needed to be strong for her. In some ways I became a mother to her, at some point along the rode… My relationship with her became a mother and not a sister. I took on that role and loved every minute of it. I would never change any of it. It has helped me to be the person that I am and I hope in some way has helped her as well. That’s her story, one I can’t tell for her. But what I can say is… OMG! I hated all of those teenage years, LMAO! I love her and everything we went through, but I SWEATAGAWD I wanted to beat that child!!!!!!!! LOL! She annoyed me because she is so incredibly smart and continuously got into trouble, mainly her mouth got her in trouble. She doesn’t have a filter, I typically don’t either. But mines has been dimmed because I have little people following my example. So now I tend to be crazy sarcastic. For me Mother’s Day changed when I got my first card from my sister, it warmed my heart that I was able to be that fill in for her. Because I knew what it was like to miss out, I wanted to make sure she had what I had experienced from my own fill ins.

My first baby, my baby sister!


Miss Marie, Mini Mouse and BK


Because I love this little girl as if she were my own, my niece BK

She didn’t go about things the way I had hoped she would, but I figured out with the help of another fill in. That no child does, not even the ones you birth yourself. So I had to let go and let her learn the way she wanted to go. My heart swells with love and pride, and it grew even more when she had her first baby. I could move from mother figure, back to proud sister. The transition wasn’t easy, shit it was downright hard! But, being a big sister again is just as, if not more rewarding then being a mother to my sister. I LOVE being the Best Auntie in the world to my beautiful niece, I would give her the world and more. She is my baby and she always will be. The connection I have with my sister and my niece is strong, and the connection my own children have with her is just as strong. It’s so hard to explain, but yet here I am trying. My baby sister is now a fill in for one of our Godbrothers daughters. And I couldn’t be more proud. Our niece thinks of her as her mommy, loves her just as much and cries if anyone says they are coming to take her. She was without a mommy and my sister stepped in, I LOVE every part of that!


My First Babies… D-boy and P

Our family has also become fill ins, we are a “foster” family. But lets be honest, when these children come into our home they are our children, they are our children’s babies, they are big brothers and sisters. We get to fill in for mom and dad while their mom and dad is trying to figure out the journey they are currently on. Some knowingly and others thrust into the situation. It doesn’t matter which one they are we are rooting for them from day one. I can’t imagine having my children ripped from my arms and placed in a home where people can judge me before I can give them the details. So we try with all of our mite to keep an open mind and an open heart. Of course, we want to adopt one, two or three little ones. But we also want them to be able to  be reunited with their birth family. I know, it’s virtually impossible to have it both ways.


D-boy, Mini Mouse, Miss Marie, BK and Doll… This would be my birth mother.

So as I sit her surround by our 6 kiddos, I am also heartbroken for the mommy that is missing her twins first Mother’s Day and in less then a week their First Birthday. I am heartbroken for all of the firsts she has missed, and I pray she is able to find peace today. That even though she isn’t with her babies, that she can feel them and their love. So today I say Happy Mother’s Day to all of the Fill ins, Stand Ins, Stand ups, and Stand outs. I am grateful for all that you have done, for all you are doing and for all you will do.


My partner in crime! I love him and he loves me.

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!!!

Now on to funtimes with this crazy, loud and silly family of mines 🙂