One for the Books…

Today has been an experience for the books.

I dislike counseling. I have almost no issue with group therapy, but just me and the therapist… Yeah, not my cup of tea. I like group because I can melt off into the background almost unseen if I so choose.

With just me and the counselor, I can’t hide behind the curtain. I feel so incredibly bare and naked. It’s a strange feeling. I can’t answer questions coherently. I say I don’t know more times then I care to admit, I blurt out things that I don’t want her to know. My mind goes blank, I forget the question I’m answering. Or what I’m saying. My face gets hot, my hands have to find a spot otherwise they don’t stop moving. And when I stop talking, so does she… The space gets loud and every sound is intensified. 

I know that trick, I’ve used it. But it’s not a trick, it’s just honoring the space I need to answer the question. And the blank stares are given back to me. Ahhhhhh! I’m like a babbling hot ass mess that can’t think because I’m trying not to get lost in the memories…

 

I was asked to set an intention for my week regarding self-care. I said its to remember to breath. When things get tough and I can’t see which way is up, I lose track of breathing. It’s kind of funny, or maybe not. But breathing is an automatic thing, until you are hurting, sad, angry, etc… 

My breath catches in my chest, each breath is short and shallow. Almost hyperventilating in a way. I’m going to be intentional in taking deep breathes and allowing. It’s hard and tiring and all I want to do is sleep it away. But my three children and husband tell me that I can’t do that. And so I just be in the knowledge that I’m alive and though I would much rather tune the world out and just sleep. 

I’m going to at least make it to bedtime. I have a feeling it’s going to be a long night. I’m hoping to keep insomnia at bay, but she keeps poking her ugly head up.

Until later my friends… Love and Light!

The mundane

I’ve been meaning to post a story for the last few days, but my computer wouldn’t let me… I guess that was my sign that I didn’t need to post what I was going to post.

Anyways, the last few days have been packed full of finishing my job at being an adult. Meaning, I finally finished all doctor appointments and everything came back either fine or borderline fine. Which also means I have to do a follow up in 3 months, someone should call or text and remind me. I’m almost positive I’ll try and forget…

I am still on my 40 day yoga challenge, I’m at day 17. The weekends are the hardest, the classes I attend are at 6:30am. Saturday and Sunday I really, really wanted to sleep in. And almost did… But then I remembered this is what I signed up for and so I got my tired ass up, got dressed and went to yoga. I’m glad I made that decision both days, it made for a great day. Though I was tired, it was still a good day.

It’s almost midnight on the 23rd day of February. I am tired. Yesterday was super emotional and today I got a hold of my feelings and now I’m good. I am looking forward to tomorrow and what it will look like.

In the meantime enjoy a picture from the full moon last year. There should be a full moon tonight as well!

Have a great night, Peace Love and Hairgrease 🙂

 

October sunsets

My mind is racing all over the place, I am so annoyed and upset and tired and sad all at the same time. I know I need to ground myself, I need to meditate, I need to pause in the loudness of this life I have chosen to live. But sometimes all I can do is run on auto pilot… I don’t like auto pilot, I like to be present to be there and enjoying the moments I am involved in instead of distracted or half way there in the moment. Sometimes its hard, sometimes its easier. It doesn’t help when I feel like I’m all over the place and can’t figure out a way to quiet it all down.   
My head doesn’t hurt like I need a tylenol it just hurts from all of the information zooming along in this brain of mines. I am thinking of wanting a break and just walking away for a solid 24 hours, get a room in a hotel and just refresh. But what does that solve, I’d be refreshed but I’d still have to deal with life when I returned. I’m not in the mood to want to deal with it. It’s tiring and there isn’t anything else I can do to fix it right now.

Like all of a sudden I am drained of all energy. I’ve been trying to raise it over the past few days, but it’s just not working. I’m not sure why my energy levels are so down and low, but I do know it is taking a toll on me and I’m sinking/drowning with no one to talk to. Amazing how I can be there for everyone but everyone seems to disappear when you need them. In a room as silent as a church mouse all I hear is noise, all I hear is the loudness of my brain screaming to get out and find solace in some quiet. 

I don’t like feeling like I”m the only one in a room full of 500 people. But that’s how I’ve been feeling lately. Distracted, not focused, no desire to fix it, no energy to figure out why. Just tired. I know this is a spell, I know this will move on in a day or two. But for now I will just sit in it, feel it, be it and in a day or two it will pass and I will be me again. I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. They sag underneath the pressure. I feel like I am slowly falling, I can’t move quick enough to catch myself. TIREd…

I want to lie down, read a comforting book that I can get completely lost in. But everyone else will keep knocking on the door begging to come in. Sometimes I stand and watch the people in my house as they sleep, imagining what it must be like for them. Do they notice my change, do they care, does it affect them. What thoughts do they have about me, am I making the right choices, dod I do it right, was I too harsh, was I too sarcastic. Do I even care? I’m literally sitting here thinking, I’m too tired to even figure out my password to even post this story. So this might just be my story for the night. 

Sunsets are amazing, they say the day is done. I’ve done my job and now I can rest, until tomorrow my friends. I am bidding goodnight to the sunset of this 20th day of October.
Until tomorrow…

Being tired and the Holiday Season…

Let me just tell you… I’m exhausted, I’m sick and I’m looking forward to the weekend. 

We just completed two weeks of the Nutcracker with Mouse. That was downtown Austin in horrible traffic and holiday traffic and everyday there was an accident. Reminds me of why I love living in small town USA! 

Our littles are leaving our home and going to another home that would also be willing to adopt them when the time comes. As much as I love these three kiddos, it has been a.lot.of.work! I’m glad we were able to give them what they needed for this last year, but it is now time to focus on our family and my commitment to taking care of self. It’s stressful because we want to keep them, but know we can’t give them what they need for the rest of their lives. We want to expand our family, but only by one… Possibly two if circumstances are right.

We are taking the big kiddos to Walt Disney World for New Years and… Yeah… I know all of this stressing beforehand will all be worth it. I guess the biggest issue is making sure I have all together. And then I had a friend tell me the other day that I needed to breathe and rest, that it would all work out. I know it will, I’m just ocd sometimes. 

The last few days I’ve had a headache and a scratchy sore throat. It’s not fun, I don’t like being sick. As a matter of fact, I’m going to tell you something not a lot of people know… I’m a whiner when I get sick. It’s rather pathetic sometimes. 

The last few months I’ve been dealing with blurry vision. Just assuming, I don’t know, nothing. Well it could actually be why I’ve been having headaches and stuff. I could be getting old *cluthes pearls* NEVER! I’m just going to go with my vision is blurry and not that I might actually need glasses…

Anyways, I’m still here. Just learning to push the pause button so that I may stay rested and well grounded!

Goodnight!