What I know…

I know that these last few months have been some of the most trying, full and enjoyable experiences of my life. Maybe it has something to do with how I’m viewing myself through this process. 

In November I thought the world would be better without me, or at least my pain and agony would cease to exist. What I know from that is, it would end for me but continue on through the people I would leave behind. During those dark moments you can’t see that. All you see is that you are alone, you are less than and that you are in pain and you would do ANYTHING to stop that pain. 

In December, I made the conscious decision to tell someone what was going on in my head. And what I mean is that I not only told my counselor, I talked with my doctor, I talked with my husband, I talked with my kiddos Godmom. I told friends and I put it on my blog. I asked for help and THAT was the single most hardest decision I have ever made. Things like that thrive in secrecy. I’m so glad I choose to reach out. I can’t say I loved the process. Because let’s be honest, I am an independent soul and I felt like I was being told to tell people my every move. I had weekly, sometimes daily check-ins. I had to give up things that made me feel safe but could also harm me. What I can say is there is power in support, positive thinking, and prayer. Thank you! 

In February I welcomed a baby niece and a few short weeks later I was given another niece. I love them as much as if they were my own.

One half of JZ

The other half of JZ

 JZ are absolutely perfect in every way. My heart was full. But… it also bought up that little thing that likes to pop up every now and then. Wanting another baby of my own. I know, I know. I joke a lot about not wanting to be pregnant again or going through labor again or even sleepless nights. But joking is also my coping mechanism. The urge to want to have a baby didn’t come around until after we had to give up the twins and their brother. In my heart I know what we did was best for us. Three was a LOT of work, at times I was overwhelmed. But it opened up in me the reminder that I couldn’t have another one of my own. The thought of going through what I did with Marie’s birth seriously gives me heart palpitations and anxiety. We almost lost her, I’m not sure I wouldn’t have that fear and stress in the back of my mind the whole pregnancy. And so because that was so traumatic, shortly after she was born I asked Ike to get a vasectomy. And he did. At the time it was the best decision and to be honest, I feel like it is still the best decision. But it doesn’t change the fact that my body aches to have a baby to carry and love and nurse. I’m slowly figuring out how to navigate those mindfields. For now I do it by getting some much needed snuggles from my beautiful baby nieces. I might or might not spoil them, but I can’t confirm that. I do want to add, we’ve had (Ike and I) that conversation. And we both agree that unless it’s meant to be (as in I get pregnant), we will not be taking in any infants or toddlers through foster care. Even though on occasion I ask him if he is absolutely positively for sure… What I know is that I can hold the sorrow of not having my own AND the joy of being an auntie twice over all together and still be happy. That is truly amazing to me. I’m learning and growing daily!

March came and went so fast, I’m still trying to figure out where it went. But what I do know is that I Love my husband more today than I did yesterday, or even ten years ago. And I say that because we just celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary. 

Happy 10th Anniversary

It was truly magical and everything we wanted. To be surrounded by friends and family. To have the same feel as our wedding and to be enjoyed by all. I’ll share pictures and more about that later. I also know that if I hadn’t learned even a little about making MYSELF happy, no one else would be able to. And so to be at this point is huge for me. We were close to being divorced on a couple of different occasions. The thing that helped us was taking each moment, hour, day, week, month at a time. 

April has been a time of slowin down, enjoying the quiet moments and spending time with family and friends. We celebrated the 5th birthday of our extra baby. 

Celebrating with classmates

Watching her be loved on and celebrated was absolutely adorable and so amazing. To see the pure look of joy and excitement in receiving was something I will cherish forever. To have something that is hers, and hers alone made her so incredibly happy. Im happy we got to see and experience that. What a gift! 

April has also been a full month, the group I was in has been cancelled because by the end I was the only one showing up. So I have to find and get comfortable in another group. I have a story about that too. Lol! We will be leaving next month on a six week roadtrip, yes I said six whole weeks! I am beyond excited. This trip will be epic. 

This is us filling out passport paperwork

It will include Canada, and the East Coast. With lots of time with friends and family along the way. Which leads me to add that our oldest daughter will be joining us in week two and stay with us through the end. I am excited for Ike and the kiddos. They get to spend some much wanted and needed time with an older sibling they didn’t get to grow up with. And I am lucky enough I get to watch all of it happen! 

For now that’s all I have, maybe I’ll finish those other stories and schedule them to post over the next few days. 

Namaste my Friends!

I

Things to look forward to

I’m sure I will eventually post the story I wrote a few days ago. But for now, now I want to stay in the light and so this was what we had to look forward to…

We got a foster care placement on Wednesday, literally 4.5hrs after we made it back home from South Dakota. It was everything we didn’t ask for and more. We have come to the conclusion that we are too ‘old’ to have anyone under the age of 4 in our house (unless someone decides to make a joke and the vasectomy we’ve had reverses itself. Please note; I’m not laughing)…

We are also keep it to one more, maybe two more kiddos but definitely not three more. Been there, done that! And so we get a text message about an emergency placement, we are the last resort otherwise they will split them. The suckers we are fell for it. Lol! No matter what they will be split into at least two homes, there are 4 of them and a baby on the way. Our home only has 3 spots. So here’s to hoping our close friends who are foster parents will be able to take them so that they can see each other a lot. 

Anyways, so out of the three only one of them met our requirements. Haha! So we now have a house of six kiddos, 15, 10, 9, 4, 2 and 1… Whew! I’m tired just typing that out. Needless to say it’s been busy. 

The other exciting thing we had to look forward to was our youngest had her 9th trip around the sun on Sunday! 

She has been counting down to her birthday since April. I’m always happy when it finally gets here, she is so funny! This year I dropped the ball and didn’t bake cupcakes for the friends that would come to her party. Let’s be honest, I was just plain tired. So I bought a cake from Walmart (the only store open at 7am on a Sunday morning) and made her two little cakes (because… Dairy allergy).

She could care less about anything else other then eating her cakes and swimming. Also one of her gymnastics buddies had a swimming party as well so she got to celebrate twice. She was happy and so was I.

It’s so easy to get caught up in the darkness, find some light and stand strong in that. 

And to finish the post, I chopped my hair on Thursday. It’s cut, I feel so Boy George-ish! 

Namaste

About last night…

I feel like I should be telling you about all of the bottle we popped last night, instead of my first experience in a SA group therapy session. Yesterday right before I left to attend the session I had a small meltdown. It really isn’t funny, but it is freaking hilarious. I mean it was small and quick and once I moved past it, it was fine. So as I was getting Mouse, daddy and Marie ready for volleyball practice I needed to change into some less restrictive clothing. And as I looked in the mirror and fixed my hair, I literally said… “I can’t wear this to a SA group! What the heck am I thinking? Oh, my gosh this is so stupid. Why am I freaking out over wanting to be comfortable? I can’t handle this right now, I’m leaving!” And that was that. So yeah, I’m laughing at that small meltdown.

I wished Mouse goodluck and told her to talk daddy into coaching the team, he had already told me he was just a transporter. I figured once he got to the gym he would change his mind. I hopped in my car and sped off down the road to the highway. I needed to talk to someone and so I called my sister. I call her that, but she is really a person I’ve known for over 16 years. We met when we started dancing in a group together. We clicked instantly and she went from being my best fren to my sister. She is family, I’m not sure I have friends and that is where I was at when I said a few days ago that I didn’t know how to be a friend. Because we are either acquaintances or we’re family, I don’t have an in-between and I’m learning to work on the in-between. I need in-between, not everyone is meant to be in your family and that’s fine. It takes a village to raise a child and I like a solid village.

Anyways, she is currently having some personal issues so we talked about that and how she was feeling about it. I chuckle because I said something to her and her response was, “Did you and Re-Re talk today? Because both of y’all said the EXACT same thing word for word.” I told her no, it just meant that was the message you needed to hear and I’m just repeating it. We talked some more, I mean, I had at least a 45 minute drive, so I had enough time to chat. We started talking about how I liked Texas and when I would be back home. Being honest I told her, I love where we live. I wouldn’t change it for the world, this is what we needed. But I miss having my best friend down the street and my support system 10 minutes away, its hard and somedays I am ok with it and other days I hate it. She is so funny because she asked me have I found a best friend to replace her and I responded with a, “Now BITCH! You know your ass can never be replaced.” and we chuckled. We then got into conversation about what the group session would look like and I told her I was actually really nervous and I wished that she was here with me so that we could go together. I could have truly taken her and the both of us would have been able to start the healing process. What connected us was our past, we had both been sexually, mentally and physically abused. Our conversation energized me and I felt more then prepared to go into this group sure of myself and my intentions.

We hung up on a laugh and I took a deep breath. Told myself that my main goal was to breath. Everything else would come. I walked into the building and waited for the group to start. As I sat there in those chairs waiting for 6:30pm to arrive, I talked to myself, I tried reading a book and when that didn’t happen I resorted to play a couple games of candy crush. LOL! Hey, in a pinch it is the best attention grabber. 6:29pm rolled around and my head started hurting, I took a deep breath, a long drink of water and told myself to figure it out. 6:33pm rolled around the lady who ran the group came out and grabbed everyone. One by one myself and 3 other ladies stood up and walked over towards her. She stopped and introduced herself to me, I was the new one in the group. I found out later a couple of the ladies had been attending the sessions for a while. We filed in the back, one behind the other like we were in a line going to the principals office. Or maybe that was just my perception… By this time my chest is tight and my heart feels like it’s about to fall out of my chest.

We walk into the room, find a comfortable chair and settle ourselves. Rules are given because I’m new to the group. Just as we are about to say who we were and how we were another lady walks into the room. It’s my turn and I say, “Hi, I’m Iiona. This is my first session and I’m unsure. This is different and I’m just… you know, nervous…” Every head nodded in agreement and I was told I took the first step and that’s the most important. I think I visibly relaxed after that. Well at least for another 10 minutes and then everything else kind of gets blurry. I just know I spent a good portion of time breathing, focusing on deliberate deep breaths that slowed my breathing down. Because I felt myself hyperventilating on a few occasions.

 

What I can say is that at one point I felt like I was being stripped down bare naked and forced to deal with the consequences of not having clothes. I remember the clock was exceptionally loud, each tick was like a small bomb going off. I remember holding back tears, I remember feeling as if I was being confined in a small room that was sound proof so my ears popped and everything was muffled. I think at one point I even thought about leaving, but I stayed. I argued with myself a lot, telling myself that I was here in 2016. Sitting in a room with 5 other women and that the flashes I happened to be seeing wasn’t happening at that moment. At one point the lady running the meeting seen that I was about to say something and stopped myself. And she said, “Iiona, did you have something you wanted to add to that?” I’m sure I looked like a deer caught in the headlights of a car and I said, “Shit you caught that huh? Yes….” After that I focused on keeping the parts of my body that kept tensing up to relax. I guess yoga is coming in handy to help with things like this. Anyways, the session was ended with a great tradition and we left. I still felt like my ears were clouded and things were slightly blurry. But because I still had a 45 minutes drive back home I focused on staying present to the moment. I’m not sure how I managed it, but I did. I just know when I finally made it home I was so relieved. I was beyond exhausted and I kept getting flashes of things that I had forgotten about and I was just overwhelmed.

I came in, ate something quick and told everyone goodnight. My head was pounding, my vision was blurry and I was just exhausted. I had forgotten I had told my sister that I would call her after the meeting so that she knew I was ok and made it home. As I crawled into bed, my phone rang and I swore. I was like REALLY! I can’t, but I picked it up and she said I just wanted to make sure you made it home and that you’re good. I told her Thanks, I’m tired and I have a headache but yes I am good and I would call her tomorrow. I laid in bed and begged for my dreams to be free of any more flashbacks and woke up this morning around 4am in tears.

My heart hurt and I couldn’t stop crying. At some point I remember saying I don’t understand why I have to keep reliving this stupid shit. I can’t handle this today, I just want to be free of it all. I finally got up and hopped in the shower. Considered staying up but really needed more sleep, so I slept off and on until 6:30am. My intention for the day was to stay in my pjs and sleep. But I really wanted to go to yoga as well, so I quickly got dressed, grabbed my mat and ran out the door for the 8:30am class. Let me tell you, I was exactly where I was supposed to be this morning. If I ever doubted myself, today, today was the day that I couldn’t quietly tip toe past it. Every thought and feeling that I felt was exhaled as I pushed my body into positions that I’ve never attempted before. Holding them longer then I should have been able to, letting go of the tension and the anger and just realizing that I can do anything I put my mind to. I swear the yoga teacher was there speaking directly to me and I couldn’t move. By the end of the hour I am positive I had cried through several positions. I am sure glad most people practice with eyes closed and the only one who could see the tears streaming down my face was the instructor.

The flashes haven’t stopped, some extremely intense. But today I am breathing through it all. Tomorrow could look different, hell even tonight. I just know right now in this moment, I am ok.

 

“You are the designer of your destiny. You are the author, you write the story, the pen is in your hand, and the outcome is whatever you choose.”- Abraham Hicks

Conversation over breakfast

I truly enjoy bonding over a plate of great food and a cup of coffee or a mimosa.

If we were going to have a conversation over breakfast, I would suggest we meet at Mimi’s Cafe. That’s my first choice, I LOVE the quiche and mimosas at the restaurant. It’s small, quiet and great service.

If we were going to have a conversation over breakfast, the same lady we’ve seen the last few times we’ve come to Mimi’s would walk over and ask if us ladies were ready to order. She would bring over a basket of yummy muffins & breads and bring us our water and drinks right away. I’m positive we would be laughing at some half ass joke I had made on the way into the restaurant. Most likely me saying, I told you I would beat you here. And you would be rolling your eyes because it’s only the first time out of like 50 where you were late.

If we were going to have a conversation over breakfast, the conversation would flow from my inability to make it anywhere on time, to our husbands, then our children and would settle comfortably on the meaning of life and why we are here. Our conversations always settle on life and how it is we are navigating it.

If we were going to have a conversation over breakfast, our plates would have arrived by now and we would have blessed our food and be quietly eating the first few bites to savor the taste, the flavor and the texture of the food. We might have hemmed and hawed over what we were going to try this week, but what we know wins over our tastebuds and so I would be savoring the flaky crust ot quiche and you the smooth taste of your pancakes. Taking sips of our drinks in between every 5th bite.

If we were going to have a conversation over breakfast, I would have asked you how do you navigate feelings of not being where you envisioned yourself at this time in your life? I might have even asked if you felt like you were where you were supposed to be? You would pause in thought mid chew to truly think about that question and answer me precisely with… A question.

If we were going to have a conversation over breakfast, I would try to answer that question as precisely as I could. Thinking and chewing slowly, taking deep sips of my drink. I would finally answer you in such a way that only you could possibly understand and then instantly become distracted by the person standing behind you asking me to give someone in the restaurant a message.

If we were going to have a conversation over breakfast, we would just be, letting our spirits be free, while our thoughts go sit in the corner to be quiet. We would talk about how happy we’ve been lately and how we are coming from behind the veil and learning to be our true self.

If we were going to have a conversation over breakfast, we would instantly be brought back to the present as we realized we still had important things to do other then sitting in a restaurant enjoying each others company.

If we were going to have a conversation over breakfast, we would continue our conversation as we walked out of the restaurant to our cars and stand by them for another 45 minutes. Just to make sure we completed our conversation.

If we were going to have a conversation over breakfast, we would sort of plan another meet up for breakfast conversation in about a month. But as soon as we hopped in our cars and started driving away someone would call the other and say I forgot to tell you…

If we were going to have a conversation over breakfast, I would get home and be reminded that I had been gone for about 3 hours. And realize that time stands still when you are present in the moment, but it continues for everyone else around you.

If we were going to have a conversation over breakfast, I would smile to myself as I realized that it is hard to come by such great friends. And I would look forward to our next conversation over breakfast.

Maybe this time our conversation would move to a late dinner and drinks meeting. A chance to get out of the house and be…

Thanks for breakfast and the conversations we have shared…

 

Crafty

Today I had a strong urge to be crafty… So I fiddled around on Pinterest and I’m making pineapple chicken stir fry and a simple banana bread. I’ve had the bananas in my freezer for about 4 months now, waiting precisely for me to use them for this very thing. According to my other half he prefers his bananas to be stored with the skins off, I on the other hand, store mines by just sticking the whole brown thing in my freezer and then pulling it out when I’m having a crafty moment.

The last few days I’ve been thinking and reminiscing about my maternal grandmother who passed when I was 14 years old. I considered her my mother and so it was hard when she died. It was even harder when she died two days after my birthday. That’s a different story for another time. But what has sparked my thought process is the fact that Ike will be making me my favorite cake for my birthday. This is what my granny used to make me every year that I lived with her. It was my own special cake, even though my birthday falls on or around the Thanksgiving holiday every year she did all she could to make it special. And that was one way. Making a from scratch German chocolate cake.

That’s what I’m getting on Thursday, actually I think I might have told him two. Just because. He makes them from scratch too. It makes my whole body do a happy dance, takes me back to being in the kitchen…

STOP!

This is my stream of consciousness post for today. Thanks for stopping by!