Just another manic Monday

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What I know…

I know that these last few months have been some of the most trying, full and enjoyable experiences of my life. Maybe it has something to do with how I’m viewing myself through this process. 

In November I thought the world would be better without me, or at least my pain and agony would cease to exist. What I know from that is, it would end for me but continue on through the people I would leave behind. During those dark moments you can’t see that. All you see is that you are alone, you are less than and that you are in pain and you would do ANYTHING to stop that pain. 

In December, I made the conscious decision to tell someone what was going on in my head. And what I mean is that I not only told my counselor, I talked with my doctor, I talked with my husband, I talked with my kiddos Godmom. I told friends and I put it on my blog. I asked for help and THAT was the single most hardest decision I have ever made. Things like that thrive in secrecy. I’m so glad I choose to reach out. I can’t say I loved the process. Because let’s be honest, I am an independent soul and I felt like I was being told to tell people my every move. I had weekly, sometimes daily check-ins. I had to give up things that made me feel safe but could also harm me. What I can say is there is power in support, positive thinking, and prayer. Thank you! 

In February I welcomed a baby niece and a few short weeks later I was given another niece. I love them as much as if they were my own.

One half of JZ

The other half of JZ

 JZ are absolutely perfect in every way. My heart was full. But… it also bought up that little thing that likes to pop up every now and then. Wanting another baby of my own. I know, I know. I joke a lot about not wanting to be pregnant again or going through labor again or even sleepless nights. But joking is also my coping mechanism. The urge to want to have a baby didn’t come around until after we had to give up the twins and their brother. In my heart I know what we did was best for us. Three was a LOT of work, at times I was overwhelmed. But it opened up in me the reminder that I couldn’t have another one of my own. The thought of going through what I did with Marie’s birth seriously gives me heart palpitations and anxiety. We almost lost her, I’m not sure I wouldn’t have that fear and stress in the back of my mind the whole pregnancy. And so because that was so traumatic, shortly after she was born I asked Ike to get a vasectomy. And he did. At the time it was the best decision and to be honest, I feel like it is still the best decision. But it doesn’t change the fact that my body aches to have a baby to carry and love and nurse. I’m slowly figuring out how to navigate those mindfields. For now I do it by getting some much needed snuggles from my beautiful baby nieces. I might or might not spoil them, but I can’t confirm that. I do want to add, we’ve had (Ike and I) that conversation. And we both agree that unless it’s meant to be (as in I get pregnant), we will not be taking in any infants or toddlers through foster care. Even though on occasion I ask him if he is absolutely positively for sure… What I know is that I can hold the sorrow of not having my own AND the joy of being an auntie twice over all together and still be happy. That is truly amazing to me. I’m learning and growing daily!

March came and went so fast, I’m still trying to figure out where it went. But what I do know is that I Love my husband more today than I did yesterday, or even ten years ago. And I say that because we just celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary. 

Happy 10th Anniversary

It was truly magical and everything we wanted. To be surrounded by friends and family. To have the same feel as our wedding and to be enjoyed by all. I’ll share pictures and more about that later. I also know that if I hadn’t learned even a little about making MYSELF happy, no one else would be able to. And so to be at this point is huge for me. We were close to being divorced on a couple of different occasions. The thing that helped us was taking each moment, hour, day, week, month at a time. 

April has been a time of slowin down, enjoying the quiet moments and spending time with family and friends. We celebrated the 5th birthday of our extra baby. 

Celebrating with classmates

Watching her be loved on and celebrated was absolutely adorable and so amazing. To see the pure look of joy and excitement in receiving was something I will cherish forever. To have something that is hers, and hers alone made her so incredibly happy. Im happy we got to see and experience that. What a gift! 

April has also been a full month, the group I was in has been cancelled because by the end I was the only one showing up. So I have to find and get comfortable in another group. I have a story about that too. Lol! We will be leaving next month on a six week roadtrip, yes I said six whole weeks! I am beyond excited. This trip will be epic. 

This is us filling out passport paperwork

It will include Canada, and the East Coast. With lots of time with friends and family along the way. Which leads me to add that our oldest daughter will be joining us in week two and stay with us through the end. I am excited for Ike and the kiddos. They get to spend some much wanted and needed time with an older sibling they didn’t get to grow up with. And I am lucky enough I get to watch all of it happen! 

For now that’s all I have, maybe I’ll finish those other stories and schedule them to post over the next few days. 

Namaste my Friends!


Kind of silent share

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So we have a lot going on, I have a lot to catch you up on. But I feel bad that this site has kind of fallen to the side. I swear, it’s coming back! I love to post pictures with my commentary and for some reason I don’t have enough space to do that. Lol! So I’m working on updating and getting my other site up and running. I’ve actually had it for a few years now, just had it connected to this one. Because…. too much work. More on that later, for now. Enjoy this adorable photo of D-boy and mKK watching the girls play soccer this past weekend. 

Happy Thursday Folks! Iiona


It is not…

Whatever it was… it is not. 

I’m hovering between panic attacks currently. I’m mostly okay with that, but mostly just not. Only in the last 10 years or so have I been having them, for a while they stayed dormant. I liked that stage. The quiet of not having to pay close attention to or watch my every word. 

They’ve been intermittent for the past two years, me mainly ignoring them and the issues that come along with them. I’ve been somewhat forced to start dealing with them since December, mostly because they started a pattern. I don’t like patterns when it comes to those types of things. 

In January I made a conscious outloud decision to deal with the panic attacks and the real reason behind them. It wasn’t a light decision. I started out with just saying I was going to seek out and find an affordable counselor. That was handled by me finding SafePlace. I’m glad I started there, though the journey since has been incredibly intense and annoying and interesting. I am happy that was my first step. 

My next verbal step was 30 days of yoga and meditation. I know it doesn’t sound like much, but let me tell you… those 30 days were long, intense, educational, life altering, interesting most days just downright comical. I only say that because how else does one laugh off their own fears and insecurities?!

I believe by day 10, I was FOR ABSOLUTELY SURE that I had lost all of the marbles I had in my head. Some days I still wonder if I got any of them back. I can’t explain to you what sitting still is like. But give it a try. Sit with yourself, no distractions, no music, no phones, nothing. Just sit for 5 minutes everyday for one week all by yourself, with nobody but you and your thoughts. If you keep an open mind you can learn so much about yourself. Yoga is similar in that way as well. I’ve been told the poses that are the hardest for you tell a lot about you and how you deal with things when life gets hard. I can atest to that 100%. There are some poses I refuse to do, just because I know what my reaction will be and I am not ready to deal with it or myself. Yoga is an extension of meditation. Another way to quiet the mind if done fully and correctly. Let’s just say I’ve had several panic attacks and crying on my mat… in a studio setting… not my cup of tea, but I was caught off guard and so there I sat paralyzed to my spot fighting through the emotions that came up. When I’m off, I try not to go to a studio. I don’t like dealing with my intense emotions out in public. You know being all vulnerable and shit…

Here’s my biggest fears when it comes to the panic attacks I have… my biggest fears are not being able to function as an adult, as a parent, as a spouse, as anything that has to deal with the many hats I wear. I fear not being able to drive myself where I need to go, I fear not being able to control the attacks, I fear being placed on a meditation to help. I fear having panic attacks on a consistent basis like I’ve been having over the last week. My biggest fear with that also, that I am not given a warning sign anymore when they will start. They just start. I have come to realize that is not okay.

I had several panic attacks in session today, thought I was good to go by the end of session. Got in my car to drive home, ended up having to sit in my car for almost two hours until I was okay enough to get home. That alone freaked me out and I panicked even more. Let me tell you, being gripped by fear sucks ass. 

Having my life controlled (sometimes) by fear is not okay to be. It leaves me frustrated and angry. And with the overall feeling of this isn’t FAIR! Why, why, why, why…?! You know all of the WHY questions victims and survivors have. I won’t name them. 

I was asked what would it be like to really sit with that frustration and express it in any form that my body needed to. 


I suppressed it, it felt horrible pushing it back down, stuffing it in a box on a high shelf. I didn’t close the door on it, I wanted to so bad. But I couldn’t. But I did refuse to express it. I let a handful of tears fall down my face, I took some deliberate deep breaths and I gathered myself all the way together. That my friends is not how to handle the situation. Don’t do what I did. Maybe next time I will scream, kick, thrash about and cry. Or maybe just maybe, I might hold my composure, let a few tears fall and suck it up. Because friends, that’s been my life. No time, space or energy to be sad and angry and upset. I always had to find a way to make it work, otherwise my struggle thus far was for not.

I’m hoping I will one day be able to feel safe enough to just express what I’m feeling. For now, I will sit with my panic attacks, sip my mason jar full of wine (because, you know a way to numb the pain away) and take pretty pictures.

That I am good at… 

whatever it is… it is not.


4H photography project

So I’m almost positive I’ve never said this here. But Mouse is in 4H. We had her join when she started talking about wanting to be a veterinarian. They have a program called Veterinarian Assistant. And once you are done you are a licensed veterinarian assistant. Perfect, right?! Anyways, since joining Mouse has tried on several different occasions to talk me into letting her get a puppy, a dog, maybe even a goat. My resounding answer is always a NO, I only take care of humans…

Well anyways, on Sunday that will no longer be true. And by that I mean. On Sunday we will be given a dozen fertilized eggs and we will help them hatch. We will be given an incubator and the instructions. I mean, it can’t be THAT hard can it…?!  Once they are hatched, because we live in an area with an HOA, they will go to another home. Our HOA doesn’t allow for chickens… Insert smiley face here 🙂

In the mean time, Mouse is considering entering some photos into a photography contest with the 4H photography project. I think its the Houston one, but I would be lying if I told you I knew for certain. I get the emails, scan them and place them in a folder marked 4H. Its too overwhelming to read anymore into it unless I know for sure I need to know that information.

Anyways, I will post a few of her out takes from the photo session with a friends chickens. We went over and snapped some pictures and we will go to the local farm type place up the road and ask if we can come take pictures of their horses, cattle and goats.

Anyways, enjoy the photos Mouse took!



I honor the person I am becoming…

So today is day 7 of 40 in my yoga practice. It is technically day 8, I missed last week Wednesday.

Anyways, each yoga class I take and each time I meditate I enter it one way and come out another. It’s different and sometimes weird. But I’m learning to go with the flow.

The other day I entered into yoga class with the intention of getting something out of it. But as I sat on my mat and listened I received something else. What I got is above. I was given the opportunity to pick a bookmark with a Yama on it. And whichever one I chose I was meant to have.

Let’s just say, smack in the face. I have really been struggling lately, and so this was a reminder for me that I need to learn to loosen up and be present in the moment. The Yama I received was;

Aparigraha (non-attachment)– the nature of life is change; surrender expectations and reduce suffering. The instructor then said sometimes we hoard things because of what we feel we are lacking in our lives. And so these things ‘make-up’ for all that we are missing.

And so here I sat in all of that and softly screamed SHIT in my head. Is that even possible, not really but that’s what it felt like in that moment. I instantly started evaluating the things I expected out of situations, relationships, things and I had to pause hard and say to myself… I honor you! I honor you! I.HONOR.YOU!

My issue was myself. It had nothing to do with the outcomes of the situations, it had nothing to do with the situations themselves. And everything to do with what I needed to learn from that situation. The same with things and relationships. I have been in such a rut and my mantra started to sound like whoa is me. It kind of still is, I can not lie to myself. But I had placed expectations on the way I assumed things should turn out and that’s not what was happening. And so when I started to changed my view and my expectations the situation looked differently, the object/thing became something different and the relationship changed.

I can be so incredibly hard on myself and I am learning how to not be self harming to myself. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in the negative thoughts I have in my head that I do more harm to myself then I realize. And so as we went about the yoga class I pondered, chewed on and contemplated the Yama I had received. I learned that I need to send love and kindness to myself and so I have been practicing that. To exhale doubt, hatred, self-hate, anger, resentment, etc and to inhale self-love, acceptance, assurance, love, etc. It makes for such a different view of everything.

I’ve been letting several situations and relationships affect me immensely, I mean to the point where all I did was talk about it with Ike. And we would both get into these extensive conversations about the situation and the relationship. I had to realize that for 1. I am too close to the situation, because it is making me upset. 2. That I can’t change how people see the situation, no matter how much I try and persuade them to see it from my point of view. 3. I can only change the way it affects me and only me. 4. That I need to know what expectations I had planned on getting out of the situation and what I was actually getting. 5. And why did the situation affect me so deeply, what deeper issue was I trying to work out and didn’t realize. Can I just tell you that this process is tiring. But so worth it.

Ike helped me to realize this morning as I ran out the door to yoga that I was letting this current situation I was dealing with affect me too much. I have a friend in crisis. I mean intense crisis and I all I want to do is take the pain away from her. She is so lost and needs a supportive circle close to her, she doesn’t have it and it is hurting my heart that I can’t help her more then I am. He told me that I need to tell her I was headed to yoga and that I would call her in four hours… I couldn’t do it. I kept talking to her, and right before I turned off my phone and went into my yoga class I text her. I said, “Ok, I’m about to go into yoga. It’s an hour class. Keep texting and talking it out. I’m listening. I’ll text when I’m out. Breathe and know that you are loved.” And then I robbed myself of the time I spent in yoga because when I wasn’t breathing my thoughts kept going back to her and listening to her talk to me.

By the end of the class I needed to remind myself that at some point I need to be my focus. Somethings I can’t change things , no matter how hard I try. And so my mantra has slowly switched to, “I honor myself” I honor the person I am becoming. I honor the person I am leaving behind, and most of all I honor the love I have for myself. And so I took time to honor myself and my feelings and the things I wished for her, but truly wished for myself.

Once I figured that piece out I knew that I needed to attend tonights DV/SA group therapy session. I am nervous, I am afraid, I am anxious, I am tired, sometimes I feel like I am not breathing and then I feel my chest rise and fall and most of all I am trying to stay focused on the reason why I decided to start this path and keep moving one foot in front of the other. It’s the unknown… its the unknown… It is the unknown that frightens me the most. And so I am trying to stay present in the moments I am sharing with others and stop worrying about things that have yet to happen. It requires a lot of intentional breathing and sending loving vibes to myself. It is taking a lot of energy.

I thought planning out our spring break would be the perfect distraction. But it turns out, that also wasn’t so. And so there I sat in my head going over all of the possible situations I could run into tonight, not staying present in the moment. The nice thing, I am seeing clearly when I am not being loving to myself. The annoying part, I have to acknowledge it.

Anyways, I am going to end this on a positive note. I am about to whip my husbands ass in a quick game of pool. I am going to be gentle with myself and send positive and loving vibes. I am going to be open to the experience with no expectations of what I think will happen. I am going to practice Aparigraha.


Namaste, I