Simply

Just another manic Monday

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Fourth of July fun!

Iiona

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What I know…

I know that these last few months have been some of the most trying, full and enjoyable experiences of my life. Maybe it has something to do with how I’m viewing myself through this process. 

In November I thought the world would be better without me, or at least my pain and agony would cease to exist. What I know from that is, it would end for me but continue on through the people I would leave behind. During those dark moments you can’t see that. All you see is that you are alone, you are less than and that you are in pain and you would do ANYTHING to stop that pain. 

In December, I made the conscious decision to tell someone what was going on in my head. And what I mean is that I not only told my counselor, I talked with my doctor, I talked with my husband, I talked with my kiddos Godmom. I told friends and I put it on my blog. I asked for help and THAT was the single most hardest decision I have ever made. Things like that thrive in secrecy. I’m so glad I choose to reach out. I can’t say I loved the process. Because let’s be honest, I am an independent soul and I felt like I was being told to tell people my every move. I had weekly, sometimes daily check-ins. I had to give up things that made me feel safe but could also harm me. What I can say is there is power in support, positive thinking, and prayer. Thank you! 

In February I welcomed a baby niece and a few short weeks later I was given another niece. I love them as much as if they were my own.

One half of JZ

The other half of JZ

 JZ are absolutely perfect in every way. My heart was full. But… it also bought up that little thing that likes to pop up every now and then. Wanting another baby of my own. I know, I know. I joke a lot about not wanting to be pregnant again or going through labor again or even sleepless nights. But joking is also my coping mechanism. The urge to want to have a baby didn’t come around until after we had to give up the twins and their brother. In my heart I know what we did was best for us. Three was a LOT of work, at times I was overwhelmed. But it opened up in me the reminder that I couldn’t have another one of my own. The thought of going through what I did with Marie’s birth seriously gives me heart palpitations and anxiety. We almost lost her, I’m not sure I wouldn’t have that fear and stress in the back of my mind the whole pregnancy. And so because that was so traumatic, shortly after she was born I asked Ike to get a vasectomy. And he did. At the time it was the best decision and to be honest, I feel like it is still the best decision. But it doesn’t change the fact that my body aches to have a baby to carry and love and nurse. I’m slowly figuring out how to navigate those mindfields. For now I do it by getting some much needed snuggles from my beautiful baby nieces. I might or might not spoil them, but I can’t confirm that. I do want to add, we’ve had (Ike and I) that conversation. And we both agree that unless it’s meant to be (as in I get pregnant), we will not be taking in any infants or toddlers through foster care. Even though on occasion I ask him if he is absolutely positively for sure… What I know is that I can hold the sorrow of not having my own AND the joy of being an auntie twice over all together and still be happy. That is truly amazing to me. I’m learning and growing daily!

March came and went so fast, I’m still trying to figure out where it went. But what I do know is that I Love my husband more today than I did yesterday, or even ten years ago. And I say that because we just celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary. 

Happy 10th Anniversary


It was truly magical and everything we wanted. To be surrounded by friends and family. To have the same feel as our wedding and to be enjoyed by all. I’ll share pictures and more about that later. I also know that if I hadn’t learned even a little about making MYSELF happy, no one else would be able to. And so to be at this point is huge for me. We were close to being divorced on a couple of different occasions. The thing that helped us was taking each moment, hour, day, week, month at a time. 

April has been a time of slowin down, enjoying the quiet moments and spending time with family and friends. We celebrated the 5th birthday of our extra baby. 

Celebrating with classmates


Watching her be loved on and celebrated was absolutely adorable and so amazing. To see the pure look of joy and excitement in receiving was something I will cherish forever. To have something that is hers, and hers alone made her so incredibly happy. Im happy we got to see and experience that. What a gift! 

April has also been a full month, the group I was in has been cancelled because by the end I was the only one showing up. So I have to find and get comfortable in another group. I have a story about that too. Lol! We will be leaving next month on a six week roadtrip, yes I said six whole weeks! I am beyond excited. This trip will be epic. 

This is us filling out passport paperwork


It will include Canada, and the East Coast. With lots of time with friends and family along the way. Which leads me to add that our oldest daughter will be joining us in week two and stay with us through the end. I am excited for Ike and the kiddos. They get to spend some much wanted and needed time with an older sibling they didn’t get to grow up with. And I am lucky enough I get to watch all of it happen! 

For now that’s all I have, maybe I’ll finish those other stories and schedule them to post over the next few days. 

Namaste my Friends!

I

Underneath it all…

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It’s been so long since I’ve sat down and written a story for my blog. I’ve been writing and writing, just nothing that I am willing to share quite yet. It’s been a rather interesting month and a half.

I successfully (but with major scars) made it through the month of November. I spent the first part of my birthday taking photos for a wedding. It was small, quaint and full of love and support. I feel truly blessed that I was able to be there to capture it for them. I’ve seen majority of the pictures and can’t wait to edit them.
Thanksgiving was a conundrum. Because our littlest one had the most insane skin flare up ever. And so there was a moment that we thought she would need to get admitted to the hospital because of how bad it was. Not only that but that morning I woke up happy and excited and by the end of the day I was fighting off triggers and depressed feelings. It got pretty scary.

I try to be an open book when it comes to my journey but in reality sometimes I’m just not because it’s easier to keep it bottled up. But for the remainder of that week and for at least a week to follow I fought hard feelings of committing suicide. I have had flashbacks, and smells and sights. But I’ve never had a trigger as strong as I did, where I was so completely lost and confused on where I was in time. The only thing that kept reminding me where I was were my kiddos and my favorite calming song, Sitting on the Doc of the Bay… 

Because the trigger was so strong, the side effects have lasted for weeks. I’m tired emotionally, physically and mentally. I feel like I am on alert at all times, but also like I am trying to forge out calm. It is such a weird place to be in. Of course my sleeping and waking stages are off, and that alone is driving me crazy. I finally realized it was time to call my PCP for some type of medication when I had serious thoughts of voluntarily committing myself to an inpatient hospital so that I could not hurt myself.

I’ve officially been on medication for a week, I don’t like any of it. It makes me tired, which I guess is good because my sleep was lacking. But now I’m so tired I just crash every night. I haven’t remembered one dream over the last week. Last night I forgot to take my medication and I woke up this morning and had a small memory of my dreams. But what I noticed the most was underneath it all, underneath the medication, the sleep, the tiredness, etc… I am just incredibly sad and exhausted. I’m managing my days well mostly. My energy is low, so I’m trying to work on that. Initially I tried with caffeine. That doesn’t do anything. So I’ve been doing it with food. Not unhealthy food, which is a good start. I have been eating almonds, carrots, snap peas, salads, etc. I would enjoy some grapes but they are a hit or a miss because they aren’t technically in season.

I have been in communication with my counselor, so she knows. She is sweet, she has built in a weekly check-in between our visits. I understand why she did it… But doesn’t mean that I like it. LOL! She also highly suggested that I voluntarily hand my weapons over to someone that will put them away and not tell me where. I just want to say I feel completely naked without my knife. That has been my comfort for knowing that I can protect myself if I needed to. But I guess something that protects can also cause harm. And so I am slowly learning how it feels to be naked and vulnerable without my protection. As of now my mindset is, “It is what it is…” and all of these people are truly annoying me. Like enough to make me say something but not enough to be rude or disrespectful. Because I am trusting that they have my best interest at heart.

Anyways, today is another ‘slow’ morning. I’ve been cleaning to clear my mind, lol! I hate cleaning. Or more like I dislike cleaning with a passion. I’ve been making small check off lists and crossing things off. It feels good to be able to do that. It’s the small victories. I got up and brushed my teeth. I ate some food. I helped our elves make muffins for the kiddos. I got five kiddos off to school with little fanfare. And now I’m planning to go get a few more things for our elves so they can do more fun things this weekend. I’ve been slacking on that end and the girls miss it tons.

I think the weirdest part of this whole experience over the last week is we took in an emergency respite placement of two kiddos. They are older than what we are used to and they are older than what we would ever want in our home. The girl is 11 and the boy is 12. Having the girl in the house is like looking in a mirror. She has been through a lot and has experienced even more. I can see that she is a fighter, but I can also see where she is just plain tired and exhausted. Since being in our house she has slept longer and seems a little more chill. But this is also the honeymoon period. It’s only through next week, but Ike and I have been talking about whether we want it to be more long term. We can see their potential, but we are not oblivious to the amount of work it will be to help them reach it. If not with us, we truly hope they are reunited with their momma. They both seem to want to go back, but they haven’t been with her in such a long time that I’m not sure the girl is entirely sure anymore.

I am asking for prayers, for myself, for the two kiddos we have in our home and of course for my own children and my other half. There is a lot going on, somethings are known and some things not everyone knows. Eventually I think everyone will be caught up to speed. But for now slow and steady is also my mantra.

Love and Light my friends, Namaste.

I


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When you have a free moment…

When you have a free moment use it! The girls and I dropped the babies off for a visit with their momma and headed out for a quick let’s knock some stuff off of our summer bingo board. So we went to two different farmers markets, saw some chickens, explored a small farm and got tons of hot sun.

I’ll take it. It’s in the small moments that you learn and see the most.

Oh yeah this truck and the lane I’m in speaks volumes of my addiction to scary movies… Final Destination is the movie I’m referring to. Lol!


Namaste, I