Simply

Just another manic Monday

Standing in my Truth… Day 5

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I did have all types of goals to post a story last night, but the massive headache I had barely allowed me to go trick-or-treating and then stay up long enough to see the kiddos sort through their candy stash. I got not a one picture, but the nice thing is I can re-stage that photo. LOL!

So, I’ve sort of started my own series that I’m writing about. I’m sure it won’t be a consistent post, but its my series. One I’ve thought up and designed myself. It has no set ideas, it is just me taking note of what I have learned about myself throughout the day or the week and then posting about it. Each one could be very similar to the next, but it doesn’t matter. So here is my truth for the last few days.

I have this friend, we’ve only known each other for about 3 years. But it feels like we’ve known each other for a lifetime, possibly two or three lifetimes. I love her as if she were an older sister, she reads my blog, so I’m sure she will know who I’m referring to. She is that one older sister that gives you the truth even when you really don’t want it nor do you care to hear it. But she does it all in love. The issue I’m having with this great friend of mines is she can see me for the true person I am, she can see past my veil and past my carefully crafted facade to what I’m really feeling, seeing, doing, being. It’s something that makes for an interesting dynamic, it makes conversations with her good, bad, and annoying. She knows it, I’ve told her multiple times how annoying that shit is. But she still does it. I have only had one other person read me so well, its something that kind of throws one off of their game. It’s like they can see past my humanness into the depths of what makes me who I am, I have to say, its not something I like too well.

I’ve had people “Catch” me slipping, and they get a glimpse of the real me. But, most times, what I want people to see and know is what I put out there. I don’t like being told how I really feel, I don’t like being told that I can hear through that fake laugh, I don’t like being told that if you continue on this path it can lead to the same ole’, same ole’. That is something I leave for myself, I don’t need an outsider telling me my truths. To me it seems as if souls are speaking to souls, in the end, thats what you want. But sometimes when it happens so suddenly and from the beginning it can make for an interesting friendship.

The truth I’ve been standing in lately is most days I am completely lost and don’t know which way to turn, but many people don’t know that, nor can they see past my outer shell to see what is really going on inside. My truth is that every since I was 14, November has been a hard month for me to navigate through. I actually hate November, if we could skip the whole month my life would seem to have more meaning. But, if I were to skip the month of November, that would also mean I would skip the celebration of my birth in to this world… But I could skip the heartache and reminders that two very important people to me died in this month. My maternal grandmother, aka, my momma died on November 28th and my GodGrandmother died on November 14th. Each year has been different, some not so sad. And others just a mix of raw emotions that I sit and marinate in.  I’m not sure why but this year is unlike any other, maybe it has to do with the fact that i am living my true self. That I am facing my demons head on and dealing with them one at a time. It isn’t easy, but I knew that. It wasn’t easy when I went through it, so reliving all of the emotions, feelings, actions, and thoughts won’t be any easier. But I am up for the challenge.

Last night, I almost completely lost it. and what re-centered me was my commitment to positive and affirmative thinking. I had spiraled so quick and truly didn’t realize it until I was in my bathroom walking in circles crying, and  repeatedly telling myself, “I AM ENOUGH, I AM ENOUGH, I AM ENOUGH!” I had already been very sensitive to the things that were happening, but this, this was so different, it was so intense and yet so surface. I know positive thinking won’t cure me of my issues, my depression. But it sure is the start to something good. I’ve been to counselors, I’ve taken the medication and I do not want to do any of that again. I NEED to feel and process through every emotion that goes through my body, I don’t need nor want anyone to dictate to me how I should feel. I want to do it the holistic way, I need to heal my whole body. And I need to do it in my time, not in anyone else’s time. Sitting down for a cup of coffee with a good friend is one way, that’s appealing to my human side. Sitting in meditation, whether it be in yoga class or in my closet (it’s quieter in there, LOL!) appeals to my spiritual side. Eating a bag of red vines, well that just appeals to my sugar side and I’m totally ok with that.

I try not to take things too personally, but the closer I get to someone the more personal I take it. You tell me you think I am stupid, well, I take that shit to heart… Don’t worry no one has told me that, it was just an example. If you say something, but then tell me I’m thinking to deeply. You are probably right, because I don’t know how else to think about it. I’ve always wondered what it is about me that pushes people away, I still don’t have all of those answers, but I believe I now have a clue. I can be a lot, I am intense and my energy can be overwhelming. I’m learning to dial it back a bit, that’s where meditation and grounding come in. I am learning that when I am centered and at peace, things can’t send me over the edge like what happened last night.

Do you remember that other person whom I said could break through my facade and see me? Well, to help myself, I adjusted our relationship to suit myself. And then eventually life and careers sent us even farther apart.  It has worked wonders in the relationship, I miss her something awful, but I wasn’t ok with someone breaking through my lies. HAHA! That sounds funny, but sometimes, I really just want to blend into the background with the things that are happening and keep it moving. I don’t want to analyze it or even think more about it in that moment. I don’t like to have other people see me in my true feelings and dealing with my true emotions. It was hard when I needed help with my child back some years ago, I have NEVER shown to anyone that I was weak. And to me that’s what that showed, that I was weak and unable to deal. I now know that’s not true, but for me that was my truth. I am still learning that it is ok for someone to see me cry, that it is ok to mourn and be unhappy and sad or whatever and it doesn’t show myself any weaker then what I am. it just shows me as human.

Well, this other friend who is like am mind reader, has innocently pushed a few buttons. Nothing horrible, just enough to make me want to take a small step back. And as I take that step back, I ask myself why do I feel like this is the answer to the situation. The plain and simple truth is… It’s easier, its less painful, and I don’t have to be held accountable to anyone but myself. So, Thank you for pushing me to my limits. Because if I hadn’t been, i wouldn’t have known these truths about myself.

This is me, standing in the truth of I like things to be easy, I like people to fall for the sweet facade I put up and I like it all to roll along in a cute little pakage. I have fallen in love with the lie that has been going on for so long, but I am ready to allow a different human being to put a small crack in it. My children and my husband being the firsts ones. I don’t know how this will look, I just know I will not hide.

Ildiko Ethaneal

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2 thoughts on “Standing in my Truth… Day 5

  1. Once again…an amazing testimony to truth. You wrote the book on authenticity. I love you for the hard, hard work that you put into life and your relationships. I’m hearing you, Sister.

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