Simply

Just another manic Monday


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What I know…

I know that these last few months have been some of the most trying, full and enjoyable experiences of my life. Maybe it has something to do with how I’m viewing myself through this process. 

In November I thought the world would be better without me, or at least my pain and agony would cease to exist. What I know from that is, it would end for me but continue on through the people I would leave behind. During those dark moments you can’t see that. All you see is that you are alone, you are less than and that you are in pain and you would do ANYTHING to stop that pain. 

In December, I made the conscious decision to tell someone what was going on in my head. And what I mean is that I not only told my counselor, I talked with my doctor, I talked with my husband, I talked with my kiddos Godmom. I told friends and I put it on my blog. I asked for help and THAT was the single most hardest decision I have ever made. Things like that thrive in secrecy. I’m so glad I choose to reach out. I can’t say I loved the process. Because let’s be honest, I am an independent soul and I felt like I was being told to tell people my every move. I had weekly, sometimes daily check-ins. I had to give up things that made me feel safe but could also harm me. What I can say is there is power in support, positive thinking, and prayer. Thank you! 

In February I welcomed a baby niece and a few short weeks later I was given another niece. I love them as much as if they were my own.

One half of JZ

The other half of JZ

 JZ are absolutely perfect in every way. My heart was full. But… it also bought up that little thing that likes to pop up every now and then. Wanting another baby of my own. I know, I know. I joke a lot about not wanting to be pregnant again or going through labor again or even sleepless nights. But joking is also my coping mechanism. The urge to want to have a baby didn’t come around until after we had to give up the twins and their brother. In my heart I know what we did was best for us. Three was a LOT of work, at times I was overwhelmed. But it opened up in me the reminder that I couldn’t have another one of my own. The thought of going through what I did with Marie’s birth seriously gives me heart palpitations and anxiety. We almost lost her, I’m not sure I wouldn’t have that fear and stress in the back of my mind the whole pregnancy. And so because that was so traumatic, shortly after she was born I asked Ike to get a vasectomy. And he did. At the time it was the best decision and to be honest, I feel like it is still the best decision. But it doesn’t change the fact that my body aches to have a baby to carry and love and nurse. I’m slowly figuring out how to navigate those mindfields. For now I do it by getting some much needed snuggles from my beautiful baby nieces. I might or might not spoil them, but I can’t confirm that. I do want to add, we’ve had (Ike and I) that conversation. And we both agree that unless it’s meant to be (as in I get pregnant), we will not be taking in any infants or toddlers through foster care. Even though on occasion I ask him if he is absolutely positively for sure… What I know is that I can hold the sorrow of not having my own AND the joy of being an auntie twice over all together and still be happy. That is truly amazing to me. I’m learning and growing daily!

March came and went so fast, I’m still trying to figure out where it went. But what I do know is that I Love my husband more today than I did yesterday, or even ten years ago. And I say that because we just celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary. 

Happy 10th Anniversary


It was truly magical and everything we wanted. To be surrounded by friends and family. To have the same feel as our wedding and to be enjoyed by all. I’ll share pictures and more about that later. I also know that if I hadn’t learned even a little about making MYSELF happy, no one else would be able to. And so to be at this point is huge for me. We were close to being divorced on a couple of different occasions. The thing that helped us was taking each moment, hour, day, week, month at a time. 

April has been a time of slowin down, enjoying the quiet moments and spending time with family and friends. We celebrated the 5th birthday of our extra baby. 

Celebrating with classmates


Watching her be loved on and celebrated was absolutely adorable and so amazing. To see the pure look of joy and excitement in receiving was something I will cherish forever. To have something that is hers, and hers alone made her so incredibly happy. Im happy we got to see and experience that. What a gift! 

April has also been a full month, the group I was in has been cancelled because by the end I was the only one showing up. So I have to find and get comfortable in another group. I have a story about that too. Lol! We will be leaving next month on a six week roadtrip, yes I said six whole weeks! I am beyond excited. This trip will be epic. 

This is us filling out passport paperwork


It will include Canada, and the East Coast. With lots of time with friends and family along the way. Which leads me to add that our oldest daughter will be joining us in week two and stay with us through the end. I am excited for Ike and the kiddos. They get to spend some much wanted and needed time with an older sibling they didn’t get to grow up with. And I am lucky enough I get to watch all of it happen! 

For now that’s all I have, maybe I’ll finish those other stories and schedule them to post over the next few days. 

Namaste my Friends!

I

Picking out Pictures

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So I have TONS, I mean TONS of photos on my computer and stored online that have never seen the light of day. Anyways, for our Anniversary in March Isaac said I needed to find pictures to be hung in our room out of something we have taken or I have taken. So I went on a trip down memory lane and found the bottom picture (my wedding one) that I thought would be an awesome picture to enlarge and put up. He had other ideas. The first one is what he came up with, his reasoning… This is where it all kind of started.

So I had it enlarged, and it is now hanging on his side of the room. I still have to fill my photo frame and then come up with an acceptable collage to put in the wall opposite our bed.

Pregnancy Iionabw

He says/She says

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So I think I will do a small section on different conversations we have in this fun house of ours. Between my husband and I and my children and I. Sometimes it can get rather comical around these here parts 🙂

For your enjoyment, the first one below is from a conversation I had with Ike on Sunday night. Our 7 year anniversary is coming up in about a week and we’ve pretty much stopped buying each other gifts and buy the house gifts. I should say that we’ve stopped buying each other gifts since we have moved to Texas. Mainly because we were/are saving for our new home purchase that happened June of 2013, and because we are now in that new house we have to decorate it. Anyways, we are different and we know it and love it!

He says/She says

ME: Hey babe, we’re not getting each other anything for our anniversary are we?

HIM: No, just something for the house.

ME: OH, I GOT IT! How about a vacuum cleaner, that would be so nice. You know a new vacuum cleaner?!

HIM: No, I mean something for our room specifically.

ME: Yeah, I know, a vacuum specifically for our room that we can use in other rooms too!

HIM: Ummmm, NO! 

ME: HATER!

Guess I’m not getting a new vacuum cleaner next weekend, but a girl can try! LOL

Have a great day everyone!

6th Anniversary

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March 31st was our 6th Anniversary… Let that marinate for a minute or two. I know it’s not ‘long’ but for me it is like eternity, haha! I’m just kidding!

This year our anniversary landed on Resurrection Sunday better known as Easter. This year we didn’t do much, we hung out at home with our kiddos. Went to Whole Foods and got some yummy treats and just hung out. Anyways, these pictures are our gifts we got for our 6th year together…

IMG_6003 IMG_6005 IMG_6006 IMG_6007 IMG_6008 DSC_4934 DSC_4935 DSC_4937 DSC_4948 IMG_6012 DSC_4951 DSC_4960 DSC_4963 DSC_4965 DSC_4976 DSC_4988

5 Things that make me Happy Now

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There are so many things that are making me happy right now it is really hard to narrow it down. But here I am doing just that! Anyways, here is my trusty list and the fun graphics. This series is really fun, and I look forward to the next post.

5 things make me happy 25 things makes me happy

1. God! Knowing that I am loved no matter what I do, say or think is amazing.

2. Myself! Is that self-centered? I don’t know, whatever the case my happiness is not dependent on anyone else making me happy. As long as I can make myself happy, life is great.

3. My Husband, Isaac! I knew that I could love another more than myself, but I never thought it could be another adult human versus a child human. I think I love him more and more with each day that passes, does he get on my last nerves sometimes? Of Course, but it is great to have someone to go on this amazing journey with. Just to be clear, I’m the better half and the good looking half…

4. My Children, D-boy, Mini Mouse and Miss Marie! I loved them before I even set eyes on them. My heart expanded the day I found out I was pregnant. I get frustrated sometimes and annoyed, but it is all a learning process for all of us and I look forward to seeing them grow older and becoming their own person outside of us, their parents.

5. Photography! I am having a blast documenting our life and having memories for us to look back on years from now. Photography is an art form that I am learning and one that I am passing on to my children. They love to take photos as much as I do, they will be great about snapping those small moments. Sometimes I worry that I’m not in enough photos because I am always behind the camera lens. I’m learning to step out of the shadows and hop in the picture in some way or another. Now if only I can teach my other half to take clear and non fuzzy pictures.

THE LIST:

1. List 20 random facts about yourself.
2. Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears (graphic version)
3. Describe your relationship with your spouse.
4. List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.
5. What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?
6. If you could have three wishes, what would you wish for?
7. What is your dream job, and why?
8. What are 5 passions you have?
9. List 10 people who have influenced you and describe how.
10. Describe your most embarrassing moment.
11. Describe 10 pet peeves you have.
12. Describe a typical day in your current life.
13. What’s the hardest part of growing up?
14. Describe 5 and weaknesses strengths you have.
15. Describe when you knew your spouse was the one or how I fell in love.
16. What are your 5 greatest accomplishments?
17. What is the thing you most wish you were great at?
18. What do you think your spouse loves most about you?
19. How did you feel the moment you became a parent?
20. Describe 3 significant memories from your childhood.
21. Describe your relationship with your parents.
22. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?
23. What’s your favorite holiday and why?
24. What’s your favorite and least favorite thing about parenthood?
25. If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat?
26. What popular notion do you think the world has most wrong?
27. What is your favorite part of your body and why?
28. What’s your favorite quality in your spouse?
29. What are your hopes and dreams for your prosperity?
30. List 10 things you would hope to be remembered for.