Pictures from my birthday…
Normally I write a reflection piece on my last year the night before or the night of my birthday. This year was different.
I’ve been 36 for 6 days now and I am enjoying all of that. I am 4 years closer to 40 and feeling so much like an adult. I know I’m an adult, but these last few years I’ve felt like I’m adulting even more. Yes, I know that’s not a word, but I’m going to use it anyways.
I’m more in tune with who I am and where I’m going. I am more determined and willing to take the risks (more so lately in the last year). I know what I like and I don’t settle for less. I am also not willing to spend time letting others define who and what I should be, nor do I spend my time with negative people. I feel like I should spend time with people of the same mindset and determination, it just makes for a better life.
Anyways, this last year I’ve wrestled with what religion is to me and I’ve finally figured it out and now just as before willing to stand in that truth. For me, that was one of the hardest parts of this year. Next was truly healing and being in the truth of my childhood. Realizing that it doesn’t define me, it is just a part of who I am. And that I can give all of the hurt and sadness power if I allow it. And this year I have finally decided to stop giving it power. It was a decision that has been for the better, I can’t say that there won’t be days where I am just present and mourning the things I have been through. I know there will be, but once I am able to mourn them I will be able to move forward. My biggest issue is I never mourned what happened, I just dealt with it. A coping mechanism that served me greatly in the beginning of life, one that won’t continue on past this moment.
I feel like I am more confidant, sexier, outspoken, and just all around more. Is it true you hit a certain point when you reach your 30s? It must be, because these last 6 years of my 30s on this earth have been so incredibly interesting and filling. Less is more, family over everything (and I mean the family I’ve made), I enjoy being touched more (just touched in general), I am learning to be more present in the things we do as a couple, by myself or with our whole family. After all the best part of the journey are the small moments all compiled into bigger moments.
Anyways, I ended my 30 days of writing by recording myself talking about the things that were swirling around in my head. Maybe at some point I will take those recordings and write them out and post them here. Some are so profound and others are just fun. Either way it goes I almost successfully posted a story for a full 30 days. I know I posted a photo or at least took a photo to be able to post it. I am proud of myself for sticking with it even when the most I could do was post a sentence or two, not entirely because I was tired but just because of where I was during that time of the month.
I ended November, remembering my grandmother through the cake my amazing husband baked for me. It was great and I’m glad I have someone who loves me enough to crack a shitload of walnuts, lol! But really, he is a great guy. Wouldn’t trade him for the world… Well, maybe for Denzel Washington but that’s besides the point. 🙂
A couple of the last days of November seemed to drag on forever, I teared up a few times for the lose the little girl experienced at the age of 14. I grieved for the little girl who lost her whole world and had to suck it up and keep it moving because life wasn’t kind enough to allow her to pause and be in her grief. I grieved for the little girl who lost the one person she considered her mom and I grieved for the little girl who missed sitting in her grannies lap being held and hugged and kissed. Once I grieved for those loses I was able to be completely joyful in my truth of being a photographer.
I’ve been fighting it for such a long time, I am excited to take this new journey and to see where it takes me. I was able to shadow a photographer friend and her husband as they shot a wedding, not only did I shadow them I also took photos. It was amazing, and I loved every long minute of it. Being present in the love of someone else love, it gave me new meaning to the almost 9 year marriage of myself and that great guy, Ike.
Anyways, I am wondering from the intent of this post and so I will bring it back around to say. I am grateful to another year to be present in this life, to watch my children grow and experience life. I am grateful for friends and family who make this life journey amazing and fun. And I truly look forward to this next year and what 36 will look like at the end of the year.
What was the one toy that a friend had that you wished you had when you were little?
I truly don’t remember if I had a ton of toys or barely any when I was under 6. I do remember I had a couple of cabbage patch dolls that I was completely attached to and they came with me everywhere I went. I remember once going to a family friends house and the lady having my babies propped up on the bed ready and waiting for me when I got there. I also remember going fishing that day and catching a big fish, which was probably small but in my little world huge. I also remember being dotted on and having all of the attention, I don’t know how old I was exactly. But I do feel like I was old enough to have a baby sister by then, LOL! She is only 4 years younger then me, but she was also premature so that could explain it all.
Anyways, as I got older I fell in love with Barbie and Ken. I had tons of barbie dolls and a handful of Ken dolls. I had a GI Joe, Hulk, and a few other non traditional dolls as well. One of my favorite ones was MC Hammer… He was such a character and his one dance was one I tried to emulate on a regular. I spent so much time in pretend play with all of my barbies and her cars and houses and the such. But I also spent a good portion of time outside, playing freeze tag, or bloody Mary or building snow forts and having snowball fights. We were allowed to be outside all day, only returning once the street lights came on. I swear when I was in elementary school in Sun Prairie I was never home, still to this day I don’t remember where I ate lunch or dinner. I think a few times i would get called in to eat dinner and then run back outside as quick as I could. But most times I’m pretty positive I ate outside of the home.
Most of the people I spent my times with were within the same economical status as our family, middle class. But also most of the people I spent my time with were white and not black. I grew up in predominately white neighborhoods, and went to schools that had the same look. As a matter of fact, I was one of only three children in my elementary school that were black. One was of mixed race, but everyone still called him black, and the other child was an am kindergarten student. It made for some rather interesting conversations on the playground.
But I’m getting distracted and so back to the topic at hand. There was one toy that I wanted and was never able to get, simply because of the cost associated with this toy. I longed to have an American Girl Doll, I wanted Ce´cile and Felicity. I wanted Ce´cile because she was a black baby doll and I wanted Felicity because I just really liked her. I didn’t really have a ton of friends who had the American Girl Dolls, but the ones I knew who had almost every historical character that was made. I wanted one so much I swear my skin could feel the need, LOL!
Even as I’ve gotten older I have wanted an American Girl Doll of my own. I have a Cabbage Patch Kid with my exact birthday and a Holiday barbie from a few years ago. But still no American Girl Doll. Hey, no judging here! I am lucky enough to have two little girls who love baby dolls as much as I did growing up and I’m ashamed to say it… They have had at least 4 American Girl Dolls (Two I paid for myself) and a few look-a-like babies from Tarjay and Wally World. They love their babies and like to dress them up and do their hair. I on the other hand want them to be pretty and in their boxes and look at them, but I have to remind myself they aren’t my baby dolls. Haha! I do so love finding stuff for their babies to use and I’ve gotten into making them things for their babies. As a matter of fact I have a whole Pinterest board to support that habit, feel free to check that out here…
So even though I wished upon tons of shooting stars for the chance to get an American Girl Doll, my wish didn’t come true until I had two little girls of my own. Granted, I’m almost positive I didn’t mean for it to include the price tag. But I will suck it up and deal because I’m finally getting what I wanted as a child, the chance to be a child again with the help of my own little girls. One who looks like me but is the total opposite when it comes to style and the things she likes. And the other one who looks exactly like daddy but embodies everything that I was as a young child, as in being a tomboy at heart but every now and then wanting to be girly. LOL!
What about you, what was that one toy you wanted growing up that a friend had and you didn’t? Tell me in the comments below, I would love to hear about someone else’s favorite toy growing up!
I’ve decided to join up with a slew of amazing writers, bloggers and photographers to do a month of challenge with NaBloPoMo and NaPhoPoMo. Basically, I will be posting for a full 30 days in November. If you look on the sidebar of this blog you will see, I tried to do this last year. Or was it two years ago… whatever the case, that was an epic FAIL! And I’m perfectly ok with that fail, LOL! My goal is to get in back into the habit of writing, I so miss it and so here I go giving it a try. I guess my main issue has been my spirit of creativity has taken a back seat. But I’m giving her the reigns again and looking forward to where she takes me. I don’t want every post to be all somber and sad and melancholy, so I’m finding the positive and using it to my full advantage. Plus, I’m just preparing myself for the New Year!
My photos will be posted on my instagram feed and possibly my tumblr page. You can see my instagram photos in the sidebar, so that is definitely my first location to post. These photos will be a combination of my iPhone and my DSLR, I am looking forward to really getting to know my DSLR. The two of us are going to be the best of buddies soon.
I’m trying to make a choice between a new piece of glass (lens for my camera) or a new laptop. Actually what I want is a new camera body, with a couple new pieces of glass and the laptop and software to go with it. But what will inevitably happen is I will either get a new lens or a new laptop, yes… First World Photographer Problems… Maybe my other half will get that one lens for my Birth-DAY. LOL!
Oh yeah! I almost forgot, I’m trying out a new way to blog… No photos attached. We’ll see how long that lasts, LOL! I like pretty things 🙂
Anyways, I have already started the posting. And so look forward to many more to come in the 28 days to follow.
Have you ever had one of those times where you thought you were having a moment, but it turns out to be more like an hour, a day, a week, a month, a year? Yeah me either, ha! Just kidding. I seriously thought I was just having a moment and that eventually that moment would move on and life would be all great again… Turns out I lied to myself… I’m having a couple of weeks, which I am positive will turn into a month. I mean after all it is November isn’t it?
Anyways, my head hurts, I’m having troubles sleeping… yet again and signs of something more to come. But I refuse to put it out there because that means I’m owning it, and I am not owning nothing right now except sleeplessness and a headache.
I am so looking forward to a year when November doesn’t send me into a months worth of moments, I mean really, I’m not even kidding! Maybe the issue is I haven’t dealt with the issues and so it keeps coming up every November. Or maybe I’m just thinking too much and it’s just a coincidence now.
This month of moments is draining and tiring. I’m praying I make it through in better spirits than I am in now. I pray that I just make it through period. This is the month where everyone starts talking about what they are Thankful for, and I am so thankful on so many levels. But thesis also the month (at least for me) when I just need a nice long distraction.
So I’m just going to put it out there… sorry if you get caught up in this moment I’m having. I will try my hardest to not let it effect my daily life, but no promises. And if I fall off the face of the earth, it’s cool, I will be back. Sometimes these moments require hibernation, a smoke and a drink. I’m going to go for hibernation vs the other things. Maybe I will stock up on some red vines to off set the smoking and the drinking urge that is taking over my brain right now…
So anyways, I’m going to go lay in the bed. Most likely wide awake but at least resting, and resting is a good thing as well…
Good Night all,