Just another manic Monday

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Setting Intentions

Most days I start my morning by hitting snooze a few times, or as Ike says by not hearing my alarm. Most times I’ve went to bed the night before entirely too late and so I’m just purely exhausted. Or, I will enjoy a glass of wine and it helps to relax me enough to sleep hard. LOL!

Anyways, I’m onto a new mission lately. I’m always trying new things to help further myself and to reach whatever it is in one piece with feet firmly planted on the floor. So my new initiative as of late is to set an intention for my day. It sounded so great to do while in yoga I figured I would extend it out past that. I’ve never been one to wake up and say, I’m going to have an awesome day. I feel it and I go with the flow. Now, I’m intentionally saying it out loud to myself or anyone else that wants to hear it and going from there.

For a while I was saying a specific thing or set of words every morning. Like, “Today I will do x, y, and z.” But now I am remembering to take three minutes every morning to just focus on my breathing. Inhaling for 4 seconds, holding it for 5 seconds, exhaling for 6 seconds. I’m not sure if that’s how it goes, but it works. Sometimes I close my eyes and think of all the great things that will happen during the day. I pause long enough to move my head around on my neck, bend down and stretch.


Sometimes, especially lately, I forget what is so great about the day. Sometimes I get caught up in the negative talk about people, places and things. And I can feel it draining all of my energy. I need to remind people and myself, especially myself that I can stop and smell the roses. Or watch a butterfly.

I’m also trying to be proactive and help myself along this healing journey. I don’t want to always feel tired, sad, anxious, and over the process. Some days I just want to hear the birds, see the sunset/sunrise, or watch an Eagle soar on the wind. So here’s to setting intentions, for changing the narrative and for having the courage to know there can be something different!



Sweet dreams are made of these…

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And so it begins… me trying to get my creative mojo back. I haven’t written anything anywhere in over a year. I’ve felt stuck, silenced, angry, hurt, frustrated, sad. I’ve felt like this last year has been a constant battle of fighting my inner demons. I’ve felt like me trying to write down what I’m experiencing and going through would make it smaller somehow. My limited vocabulary would not do it justice. And by limited I mean something’s can’t be put into words, they can only be felt.

Welcome November! One of my least favorite months of the year. I’m trying to change that narrative. So much happens in this month, I go through a lifetime of changes in 30 days. Sometimes I make it out with minimal scars and other times, well those times are dark…

So back to welcoming November… I’m doing 30 days of writing, reflecting, and hopefully moving forward one day at a time. I decided to join up with a group of people who love to write and will be writing everyday. Ignore the fact that it’s already day two and nothing has been posted yet, mkay!

Today’s prompt is What are your dreams? The first thought that popped in to my head was the song by Eurythmics.

Sweet dreams are made of this

Who am I to disagree?

I travel the world

And seven seas,

Everybody’s looking for something.

I’m not sure why this song was the first thing that came to mind, but I’m kind of glad it did. Mostly. I’ve been humming this song almost everyday since it showed up. Most of the memories surrounding this song are when I was a young girl. My family was living with my aunt and her children. We lived off of Bluff street in Madison, WI. Small house on a sort of major road. My aunt had a pet dog, but he ended up dying. I remember powdered milk and honey smacks cereal and broken promises and physical abuse. Sometimes those memories, I wish they were just all a bad dream. Not bits and pieces of my past, my childhood.

You know the biggest thing that I’ve noticed since starting counseling is that not only were the bad things suppressed, so were the good things. Also, what comes with those memories is the emotions. Those I can definitely do without. All of the pent up and stuffed emotions I had over 30+ years. Not getting out anger, frustration, hurt, sadness. All of that wants to join the memories. I truly only have the capacity for laughter and sarcasm. Because if I can crack a joke, I will live to see another day. I’ve gotten so good at cracking jokes and making light of situations, that when the situation isn’t something I can joke away I don’t know how to deal. I can’t figure out how to not let it become all consuming. It’s a good thing I have a counselor who understands that and will sit with those emotions for me, even if I can’t do it for myself. It is nice not having to shoulder the burden of all of that alone anymore.

fullsizeoutput_415dAnyways, as of late my dreams are elusive. I know I have them and I can feel when I’m in them. Sometimes I even know I”m dreaming when I’m dreaming. But I can’t remember them to save my life after i wake up. Maybe that’s my minds way of protecting me from getting a constant barrage of images as of late. Because somehow I have triggered myself and I’m trying to find my way back to zero. Because I’m pacing my floors, repeating the same things over and over and just overall anxious. 

When I mention that I am triggered, thats me saying something I said, did, listened to, saw, read, anything has triggered my body/mind/soul into thinking we need to be on heightened awareness. Sometimes the awareness is I feel like I’m not safe, other times its just a basic feeling of dread and fear, and still other times I have no idea what it is so I’m just pacing my floors.

Bringing your attention to the photo above, its pretty cool huh?! The black and white gives me a dream vibe. The tree just stood out to me, plus the location is a reminder that I was able to go back and conquer a fear I had as a teen. Devil’s Lake is gorgeous, I am so happy I was able to share that with my three littles.


Hello from here!

Hello! I feels like it been forever since I’ve written anything. I’ve wanted to. I have a ton of stories stored on my iPad, iPhone, and Mac…. but it just didn’t seem like the time to hit send on those.

Y’all, I feel like I’m finally seeing a little light. Life has been busy, stressful and full. So much has been going on, maybe I’ll have the energy and gumption to write about it soon. For now I just wanted to say hi!

I’ve been navigating through some serious depressive moods and also trying to stay a functioning adult with children. Most days that works, the there are the other days. Currently I’m on the climb up out of that deep valley, the hardest part is trying to catch up. While down in the valley of depression things get put aside, people get put to the side and I just focus on making it through each day. Well, I’ve done that. But now I need to now pick up the pieces, people and things I’ve put aside. And I feel like I’m just overwhelmed. I’m trying not to let that consume me. But, sometimes I feel like a complete failure. I know eventually I will get over that, that I will catch back up, and life will continue on. But right now all I can see is the things I am supposed to be doing and haven’t. The deadlines I’ve missed, and the people I’ve probably pissed off or made to feel like I’m blowing them off. Then I start to get into my feelings and wonder why people don’t do the same for me as I do for them.

Anyways, I’m beyond exhausted and can’t believe I’m actually awake to write this. While also fighting a massive headache. So for now, just know I’m still here trucking along. Tired, in and out of valleys, but still focusing on only the next moment. I’m going to end this with, this is all I got for now. My headache is getting worse. But, I will be back soon!

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What I know…

I know that these last few months have been some of the most trying, full and enjoyable experiences of my life. Maybe it has something to do with how I’m viewing myself through this process. 

In November I thought the world would be better without me, or at least my pain and agony would cease to exist. What I know from that is, it would end for me but continue on through the people I would leave behind. During those dark moments you can’t see that. All you see is that you are alone, you are less than and that you are in pain and you would do ANYTHING to stop that pain. 

In December, I made the conscious decision to tell someone what was going on in my head. And what I mean is that I not only told my counselor, I talked with my doctor, I talked with my husband, I talked with my kiddos Godmom. I told friends and I put it on my blog. I asked for help and THAT was the single most hardest decision I have ever made. Things like that thrive in secrecy. I’m so glad I choose to reach out. I can’t say I loved the process. Because let’s be honest, I am an independent soul and I felt like I was being told to tell people my every move. I had weekly, sometimes daily check-ins. I had to give up things that made me feel safe but could also harm me. What I can say is there is power in support, positive thinking, and prayer. Thank you! 

In February I welcomed a baby niece and a few short weeks later I was given another niece. I love them as much as if they were my own.

One half of JZ

The other half of JZ

 JZ are absolutely perfect in every way. My heart was full. But… it also bought up that little thing that likes to pop up every now and then. Wanting another baby of my own. I know, I know. I joke a lot about not wanting to be pregnant again or going through labor again or even sleepless nights. But joking is also my coping mechanism. The urge to want to have a baby didn’t come around until after we had to give up the twins and their brother. In my heart I know what we did was best for us. Three was a LOT of work, at times I was overwhelmed. But it opened up in me the reminder that I couldn’t have another one of my own. The thought of going through what I did with Marie’s birth seriously gives me heart palpitations and anxiety. We almost lost her, I’m not sure I wouldn’t have that fear and stress in the back of my mind the whole pregnancy. And so because that was so traumatic, shortly after she was born I asked Ike to get a vasectomy. And he did. At the time it was the best decision and to be honest, I feel like it is still the best decision. But it doesn’t change the fact that my body aches to have a baby to carry and love and nurse. I’m slowly figuring out how to navigate those mindfields. For now I do it by getting some much needed snuggles from my beautiful baby nieces. I might or might not spoil them, but I can’t confirm that. I do want to add, we’ve had (Ike and I) that conversation. And we both agree that unless it’s meant to be (as in I get pregnant), we will not be taking in any infants or toddlers through foster care. Even though on occasion I ask him if he is absolutely positively for sure… What I know is that I can hold the sorrow of not having my own AND the joy of being an auntie twice over all together and still be happy. That is truly amazing to me. I’m learning and growing daily!

March came and went so fast, I’m still trying to figure out where it went. But what I do know is that I Love my husband more today than I did yesterday, or even ten years ago. And I say that because we just celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary. 

Happy 10th Anniversary

It was truly magical and everything we wanted. To be surrounded by friends and family. To have the same feel as our wedding and to be enjoyed by all. I’ll share pictures and more about that later. I also know that if I hadn’t learned even a little about making MYSELF happy, no one else would be able to. And so to be at this point is huge for me. We were close to being divorced on a couple of different occasions. The thing that helped us was taking each moment, hour, day, week, month at a time. 

April has been a time of slowin down, enjoying the quiet moments and spending time with family and friends. We celebrated the 5th birthday of our extra baby. 

Celebrating with classmates

Watching her be loved on and celebrated was absolutely adorable and so amazing. To see the pure look of joy and excitement in receiving was something I will cherish forever. To have something that is hers, and hers alone made her so incredibly happy. Im happy we got to see and experience that. What a gift! 

April has also been a full month, the group I was in has been cancelled because by the end I was the only one showing up. So I have to find and get comfortable in another group. I have a story about that too. Lol! We will be leaving next month on a six week roadtrip, yes I said six whole weeks! I am beyond excited. This trip will be epic. 

This is us filling out passport paperwork

It will include Canada, and the East Coast. With lots of time with friends and family along the way. Which leads me to add that our oldest daughter will be joining us in week two and stay with us through the end. I am excited for Ike and the kiddos. They get to spend some much wanted and needed time with an older sibling they didn’t get to grow up with. And I am lucky enough I get to watch all of it happen! 

For now that’s all I have, maybe I’ll finish those other stories and schedule them to post over the next few days. 

Namaste my Friends!