Simply

Just another manic Monday


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What I know…

I know that these last few months have been some of the most trying, full and enjoyable experiences of my life. Maybe it has something to do with how I’m viewing myself through this process. 

In November I thought the world would be better without me, or at least my pain and agony would cease to exist. What I know from that is, it would end for me but continue on through the people I would leave behind. During those dark moments you can’t see that. All you see is that you are alone, you are less than and that you are in pain and you would do ANYTHING to stop that pain. 

In December, I made the conscious decision to tell someone what was going on in my head. And what I mean is that I not only told my counselor, I talked with my doctor, I talked with my husband, I talked with my kiddos Godmom. I told friends and I put it on my blog. I asked for help and THAT was the single most hardest decision I have ever made. Things like that thrive in secrecy. I’m so glad I choose to reach out. I can’t say I loved the process. Because let’s be honest, I am an independent soul and I felt like I was being told to tell people my every move. I had weekly, sometimes daily check-ins. I had to give up things that made me feel safe but could also harm me. What I can say is there is power in support, positive thinking, and prayer. Thank you! 

In February I welcomed a baby niece and a few short weeks later I was given another niece. I love them as much as if they were my own.

One half of JZ

The other half of JZ

 JZ are absolutely perfect in every way. My heart was full. But… it also bought up that little thing that likes to pop up every now and then. Wanting another baby of my own. I know, I know. I joke a lot about not wanting to be pregnant again or going through labor again or even sleepless nights. But joking is also my coping mechanism. The urge to want to have a baby didn’t come around until after we had to give up the twins and their brother. In my heart I know what we did was best for us. Three was a LOT of work, at times I was overwhelmed. But it opened up in me the reminder that I couldn’t have another one of my own. The thought of going through what I did with Marie’s birth seriously gives me heart palpitations and anxiety. We almost lost her, I’m not sure I wouldn’t have that fear and stress in the back of my mind the whole pregnancy. And so because that was so traumatic, shortly after she was born I asked Ike to get a vasectomy. And he did. At the time it was the best decision and to be honest, I feel like it is still the best decision. But it doesn’t change the fact that my body aches to have a baby to carry and love and nurse. I’m slowly figuring out how to navigate those mindfields. For now I do it by getting some much needed snuggles from my beautiful baby nieces. I might or might not spoil them, but I can’t confirm that. I do want to add, we’ve had (Ike and I) that conversation. And we both agree that unless it’s meant to be (as in I get pregnant), we will not be taking in any infants or toddlers through foster care. Even though on occasion I ask him if he is absolutely positively for sure… What I know is that I can hold the sorrow of not having my own AND the joy of being an auntie twice over all together and still be happy. That is truly amazing to me. I’m learning and growing daily!

March came and went so fast, I’m still trying to figure out where it went. But what I do know is that I Love my husband more today than I did yesterday, or even ten years ago. And I say that because we just celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary. 

Happy 10th Anniversary


It was truly magical and everything we wanted. To be surrounded by friends and family. To have the same feel as our wedding and to be enjoyed by all. I’ll share pictures and more about that later. I also know that if I hadn’t learned even a little about making MYSELF happy, no one else would be able to. And so to be at this point is huge for me. We were close to being divorced on a couple of different occasions. The thing that helped us was taking each moment, hour, day, week, month at a time. 

April has been a time of slowin down, enjoying the quiet moments and spending time with family and friends. We celebrated the 5th birthday of our extra baby. 

Celebrating with classmates


Watching her be loved on and celebrated was absolutely adorable and so amazing. To see the pure look of joy and excitement in receiving was something I will cherish forever. To have something that is hers, and hers alone made her so incredibly happy. Im happy we got to see and experience that. What a gift! 

April has also been a full month, the group I was in has been cancelled because by the end I was the only one showing up. So I have to find and get comfortable in another group. I have a story about that too. Lol! We will be leaving next month on a six week roadtrip, yes I said six whole weeks! I am beyond excited. This trip will be epic. 

This is us filling out passport paperwork


It will include Canada, and the East Coast. With lots of time with friends and family along the way. Which leads me to add that our oldest daughter will be joining us in week two and stay with us through the end. I am excited for Ike and the kiddos. They get to spend some much wanted and needed time with an older sibling they didn’t get to grow up with. And I am lucky enough I get to watch all of it happen! 

For now that’s all I have, maybe I’ll finish those other stories and schedule them to post over the next few days. 

Namaste my Friends!

I

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I honor the person I am becoming…

So today is day 7 of 40 in my yoga practice. It is technically day 8, I missed last week Wednesday.

Anyways, each yoga class I take and each time I meditate I enter it one way and come out another. It’s different and sometimes weird. But I’m learning to go with the flow.

The other day I entered into yoga class with the intention of getting something out of it. But as I sat on my mat and listened I received something else. What I got is above. I was given the opportunity to pick a bookmark with a Yama on it. And whichever one I chose I was meant to have.

Let’s just say, smack in the face. I have really been struggling lately, and so this was a reminder for me that I need to learn to loosen up and be present in the moment. The Yama I received was;

Aparigraha (non-attachment)– the nature of life is change; surrender expectations and reduce suffering. The instructor then said sometimes we hoard things because of what we feel we are lacking in our lives. And so these things ‘make-up’ for all that we are missing.

And so here I sat in all of that and softly screamed SHIT in my head. Is that even possible, not really but that’s what it felt like in that moment. I instantly started evaluating the things I expected out of situations, relationships, things and I had to pause hard and say to myself… I honor you! I honor you! I.HONOR.YOU!

My issue was myself. It had nothing to do with the outcomes of the situations, it had nothing to do with the situations themselves. And everything to do with what I needed to learn from that situation. The same with things and relationships. I have been in such a rut and my mantra started to sound like whoa is me. It kind of still is, I can not lie to myself. But I had placed expectations on the way I assumed things should turn out and that’s not what was happening. And so when I started to changed my view and my expectations the situation looked differently, the object/thing became something different and the relationship changed.

I can be so incredibly hard on myself and I am learning how to not be self harming to myself. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in the negative thoughts I have in my head that I do more harm to myself then I realize. And so as we went about the yoga class I pondered, chewed on and contemplated the Yama I had received. I learned that I need to send love and kindness to myself and so I have been practicing that. To exhale doubt, hatred, self-hate, anger, resentment, etc and to inhale self-love, acceptance, assurance, love, etc. It makes for such a different view of everything.

I’ve been letting several situations and relationships affect me immensely, I mean to the point where all I did was talk about it with Ike. And we would both get into these extensive conversations about the situation and the relationship. I had to realize that for 1. I am too close to the situation, because it is making me upset. 2. That I can’t change how people see the situation, no matter how much I try and persuade them to see it from my point of view. 3. I can only change the way it affects me and only me. 4. That I need to know what expectations I had planned on getting out of the situation and what I was actually getting. 5. And why did the situation affect me so deeply, what deeper issue was I trying to work out and didn’t realize. Can I just tell you that this process is tiring. But so worth it.

Ike helped me to realize this morning as I ran out the door to yoga that I was letting this current situation I was dealing with affect me too much. I have a friend in crisis. I mean intense crisis and I all I want to do is take the pain away from her. She is so lost and needs a supportive circle close to her, she doesn’t have it and it is hurting my heart that I can’t help her more then I am. He told me that I need to tell her I was headed to yoga and that I would call her in four hours… I couldn’t do it. I kept talking to her, and right before I turned off my phone and went into my yoga class I text her. I said, “Ok, I’m about to go into yoga. It’s an hour class. Keep texting and talking it out. I’m listening. I’ll text when I’m out. Breathe and know that you are loved.” And then I robbed myself of the time I spent in yoga because when I wasn’t breathing my thoughts kept going back to her and listening to her talk to me.

By the end of the class I needed to remind myself that at some point I need to be my focus. Somethings I can’t change things , no matter how hard I try. And so my mantra has slowly switched to, “I honor myself” I honor the person I am becoming. I honor the person I am leaving behind, and most of all I honor the love I have for myself. And so I took time to honor myself and my feelings and the things I wished for her, but truly wished for myself.

Once I figured that piece out I knew that I needed to attend tonights DV/SA group therapy session. I am nervous, I am afraid, I am anxious, I am tired, sometimes I feel like I am not breathing and then I feel my chest rise and fall and most of all I am trying to stay focused on the reason why I decided to start this path and keep moving one foot in front of the other. It’s the unknown… its the unknown… It is the unknown that frightens me the most. And so I am trying to stay present in the moments I am sharing with others and stop worrying about things that have yet to happen. It requires a lot of intentional breathing and sending loving vibes to myself. It is taking a lot of energy.

I thought planning out our spring break would be the perfect distraction. But it turns out, that also wasn’t so. And so there I sat in my head going over all of the possible situations I could run into tonight, not staying present in the moment. The nice thing, I am seeing clearly when I am not being loving to myself. The annoying part, I have to acknowledge it.

Anyways, I am going to end this on a positive note. I am about to whip my husbands ass in a quick game of pool. I am going to be gentle with myself and send positive and loving vibes. I am going to be open to the experience with no expectations of what I think will happen. I am going to practice Aparigraha.

DSC_3853

Namaste, I


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Echos…

It’s amazing the sounds that echo through this house. Sounds of those that have lived here, sounds of those who left an impression here and sounds of those who have yet to visit and probably never will. It’s hard to explain, some days those sounds are amazing. They have us laughing and smiling over the memories those sounds remind us of. And other times it feels like the weight of the world is clinging to your back and you can’t figure out how to get the echo to stop.

Lately the strongest echo is of the three babies we had for over a year in our home. I’ll be in the shower and I will hear one of them cry. So I will hop out of the shower and check to see who is crying, only to remember that they haven’t been in our home for over three weeks. Or at the end of the night as I walk into our room to go to bed, I will make a wide arch to avoid the twins beds because I’ve stubbed my toe one to many times to recount. But… theres nothing there, nothing but empty space.

So here we are making our new normal, what that sounds like, what that feels like, what that consists of. Ike and I always check-in the night before to see what is on the schedule for the next day. Our days used to be full of stuff until we fell into bed at night utterly exhausted. Now, we are forcing ourselves to get dressed and leave the house to at least get a little fresh air. Because, we are trying to catch up on a years worth of missed sleep. 

I feel as if my time needs to be filled with something, and so to combat that I sit around my house in my pjs reading a book, sipping on tea, and trying out new snacks. I’m glad my taste for snacks hasn’t netted me gaining 20 lbs, but I think I can combat that by the weekly yoga class I am going to. I also took a big step and decided to do meditation in a group setting. AMAZING! I was very worried about what that would look like, would my nervous energy interrupt others as I walked into the room, would my 15 minutes of meditation (I actually made it to 20 minutes last week) disturb others. No need to worry, my mind calmed itself and I made it through my 20 minutes of meditation in a nice sunny spot by a window. 

One of the other things that keeps echoing within the walls of this home are the many friendships we have made and lost in the last three years. I love meeting new people, inviting them over and having parties, cooking food and decorating. Most times I am re-energized by being around others that are enjoying themselves. But there is one relationship that is vibrating and echoing so strongly, I just need it to hit a wall and be still. I know part of the issue is I am completely and totally taking all of it personally. Like so much so, that I am ready to start another text chat and just tell them to… But I keep getting this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that I am jumping too quickly. That I am responding the way I am because of past hurts and that I need to figure out how to just be open in mind and heart…

And dang it if that wasn’t the answer I was waiting for…

 


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Almost a week later…

Normally I write a reflection piece on my last year the night before or the night of my birthday. This year was different.

I’ve been 36 for 6 days now and I am enjoying all of that. I am 4 years closer to 40 and feeling so much like an adult. I know I’m an adult, but these last few years I’ve felt like I’m adulting even more. Yes, I know that’s not a word, but I’m going to use it anyways.

I’m more in tune with who I am and where I’m going. I am more determined and willing to take the risks (more so lately in the last year). I know what I like and I don’t settle for less. I am also not willing to spend time letting others define who and what I should be, nor do I spend my time with negative people. I feel like I should spend time with people of the same mindset and determination, it just makes for a better life.

Anyways, this last year I’ve wrestled with what religion is to me and I’ve finally figured it out and now just as before willing to stand in that truth. For me, that was one of the hardest parts of this year. Next was truly healing and being in the truth of my childhood. Realizing that it doesn’t define me, it is just a part of who I am. And that I can give all of the hurt and sadness power if I allow it. And this year I have finally decided to stop giving it power. It was a decision that has been for the better, I can’t say that there won’t be days where I am just present and mourning the things I have been through. I know there will be, but once I am able to mourn them I will be able to move forward. My biggest issue is I never mourned what happened, I just dealt with it. A coping mechanism that served me greatly in the beginning of life, one that won’t continue on past this moment.

I feel like I am more confidant, sexier, outspoken, and just all around more. Is it true you hit a certain point when you reach your 30s? It must be, because these last 6 years of my 30s on this earth have been so incredibly interesting and filling. Less is more, family over everything (and I mean the family I’ve made), I enjoy being touched more (just touched in general), I am learning to be more present in the things we do as a couple, by myself or with our whole family. After all the best part of the journey are the small moments all compiled into bigger moments.

Anyways, I ended my 30 days of writing by recording myself talking about the things that were swirling around in my head. Maybe at some point I will take those recordings and write them out and post them here. Some are so profound and others are just fun. Either way it goes I almost successfully posted a story for a full 30 days. I know I posted a photo or at least took a photo to be able to post it. I am proud of myself for sticking with it even when the most I could do was post a sentence or two, not entirely because I was tired but just because of where I was during that time of the month.

I ended November, remembering my grandmother through the cake my amazing husband baked for me. It was great and I’m glad I have someone who loves me enough to crack a shitload of walnuts, lol! But really, he is a great guy. Wouldn’t trade him for the world… Well, maybe for Denzel Washington but that’s besides the point. 🙂

A couple of the last days of November seemed to drag on forever, I teared up a few times for the lose the little girl experienced at the age of 14. I grieved for the little girl who lost her whole world and had to suck it up and keep it moving because life wasn’t kind enough to allow her to pause and be in her grief. I grieved for the little girl who lost the one person she considered her mom and I grieved for the little girl who missed sitting in her grannies lap being held and hugged and kissed. Once I grieved for those loses I was able to be completely joyful in my truth of being a photographer.

I’ve been fighting it for such a long time, I am excited to take this new journey and to see where it takes me. I was able to shadow a photographer friend and her husband as they shot a wedding, not only did I shadow them I also took photos. It was amazing, and I loved every long minute of it. Being present in the love of someone else love, it gave me new meaning to the almost 9 year marriage of myself and that great guy, Ike.

Anyways, I am wondering from the intent of this post and so I will bring it back around to say. I am grateful to another year to be present in this life, to watch my children grow and experience life. I am grateful for friends and family who make this life journey amazing and fun. And I truly look forward to this next year and what 36 will look like at the end of the year.

Namaste!


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Hearing the messages Loud and Clear…

I swear sometimes the messages are so garbled and I’m not able to understand any of it. And then there are those messages that literally smack you in your face a few times.

I am stubborn and tend to do things my own way, well tonight as I was sitting here catching up on some light reading. One of the blogs I follow or was it someone on instagram…? I’m not entirely sure, I just know that one story lead to another and eventually I ended up on a page where this message repeated itself to me AGAIN for the 500th time today. I mean it really wasn’t 500 times, but it sure felt like it. I had seen the message in passing a few times today and each time I completely ignored it.

Well here I am saying, I am sorry for almost missing the message that was literally smacking me in my face. I have royally screwed up and so as I try and fix it, whatever it is. I am asking for a spirit of forgiveness and openness.

I truly just want to smack myself across the head, because if it was a snake I would have been bitten a half a dozen times today alone.

Pido disculpas por mis acciones..