Simply

Just another manic Monday


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What I know…

I know that these last few months have been some of the most trying, full and enjoyable experiences of my life. Maybe it has something to do with how I’m viewing myself through this process. 

In November I thought the world would be better without me, or at least my pain and agony would cease to exist. What I know from that is, it would end for me but continue on through the people I would leave behind. During those dark moments you can’t see that. All you see is that you are alone, you are less than and that you are in pain and you would do ANYTHING to stop that pain. 

In December, I made the conscious decision to tell someone what was going on in my head. And what I mean is that I not only told my counselor, I talked with my doctor, I talked with my husband, I talked with my kiddos Godmom. I told friends and I put it on my blog. I asked for help and THAT was the single most hardest decision I have ever made. Things like that thrive in secrecy. I’m so glad I choose to reach out. I can’t say I loved the process. Because let’s be honest, I am an independent soul and I felt like I was being told to tell people my every move. I had weekly, sometimes daily check-ins. I had to give up things that made me feel safe but could also harm me. What I can say is there is power in support, positive thinking, and prayer. Thank you! 

In February I welcomed a baby niece and a few short weeks later I was given another niece. I love them as much as if they were my own.

One half of JZ

The other half of JZ

 JZ are absolutely perfect in every way. My heart was full. But… it also bought up that little thing that likes to pop up every now and then. Wanting another baby of my own. I know, I know. I joke a lot about not wanting to be pregnant again or going through labor again or even sleepless nights. But joking is also my coping mechanism. The urge to want to have a baby didn’t come around until after we had to give up the twins and their brother. In my heart I know what we did was best for us. Three was a LOT of work, at times I was overwhelmed. But it opened up in me the reminder that I couldn’t have another one of my own. The thought of going through what I did with Marie’s birth seriously gives me heart palpitations and anxiety. We almost lost her, I’m not sure I wouldn’t have that fear and stress in the back of my mind the whole pregnancy. And so because that was so traumatic, shortly after she was born I asked Ike to get a vasectomy. And he did. At the time it was the best decision and to be honest, I feel like it is still the best decision. But it doesn’t change the fact that my body aches to have a baby to carry and love and nurse. I’m slowly figuring out how to navigate those mindfields. For now I do it by getting some much needed snuggles from my beautiful baby nieces. I might or might not spoil them, but I can’t confirm that. I do want to add, we’ve had (Ike and I) that conversation. And we both agree that unless it’s meant to be (as in I get pregnant), we will not be taking in any infants or toddlers through foster care. Even though on occasion I ask him if he is absolutely positively for sure… What I know is that I can hold the sorrow of not having my own AND the joy of being an auntie twice over all together and still be happy. That is truly amazing to me. I’m learning and growing daily!

March came and went so fast, I’m still trying to figure out where it went. But what I do know is that I Love my husband more today than I did yesterday, or even ten years ago. And I say that because we just celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary. 

Happy 10th Anniversary


It was truly magical and everything we wanted. To be surrounded by friends and family. To have the same feel as our wedding and to be enjoyed by all. I’ll share pictures and more about that later. I also know that if I hadn’t learned even a little about making MYSELF happy, no one else would be able to. And so to be at this point is huge for me. We were close to being divorced on a couple of different occasions. The thing that helped us was taking each moment, hour, day, week, month at a time. 

April has been a time of slowin down, enjoying the quiet moments and spending time with family and friends. We celebrated the 5th birthday of our extra baby. 

Celebrating with classmates


Watching her be loved on and celebrated was absolutely adorable and so amazing. To see the pure look of joy and excitement in receiving was something I will cherish forever. To have something that is hers, and hers alone made her so incredibly happy. Im happy we got to see and experience that. What a gift! 

April has also been a full month, the group I was in has been cancelled because by the end I was the only one showing up. So I have to find and get comfortable in another group. I have a story about that too. Lol! We will be leaving next month on a six week roadtrip, yes I said six whole weeks! I am beyond excited. This trip will be epic. 

This is us filling out passport paperwork


It will include Canada, and the East Coast. With lots of time with friends and family along the way. Which leads me to add that our oldest daughter will be joining us in week two and stay with us through the end. I am excited for Ike and the kiddos. They get to spend some much wanted and needed time with an older sibling they didn’t get to grow up with. And I am lucky enough I get to watch all of it happen! 

For now that’s all I have, maybe I’ll finish those other stories and schedule them to post over the next few days. 

Namaste my Friends!

I

Kind of silent share

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So we have a lot going on, I have a lot to catch you up on. But I feel bad that this site has kind of fallen to the side. I swear, it’s coming back! I love to post pictures with my commentary and for some reason I don’t have enough space to do that. Lol! So I’m working on updating and getting my other site up and running. I’ve actually had it for a few years now, just had it connected to this one. Because…. too much work. More on that later, for now. Enjoy this adorable photo of D-boy and mKK watching the girls play soccer this past weekend. 
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Happy Thursday Folks! Iiona


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Just another Manic Monday…

Yesterday we went to a park and took pictures. I’m practicing my favorite meditative craft. I love capturing a moment to be able to look back at it later and remind me of the time we spent doing things that make us smile.

My goal was to get a family picture, but because of the location it was too windy for me to set my camera up on a tripod. Our kiddos are such good sports, they were starving and I kept asking to give me a few more minutes.

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This guy right here… I love capturing all of the little details. Can you see the freckles? Miss Marie has freckles as well. At first I thought it was dirt spots, LOL! Don’t judge me. I wasn’t use to that type of thing… DSC_3900

I (slightly against my will) gave up the camera to be the subject. It was hard, but I did it anyways. LOL! DSC_3914

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We then moved over to the bridge and Mouse realized that her shirt was perfect for catching air and acting as if she were flying.

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Either way it goes, we got some pretty decent pictures. We enjoyed the nice weather and we smiled. And then I fell asleep on the couch before everyone and woke up with a banging headache. Le sigh…


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Have you ever?

The last 3 nights I have been so emotionally full and drained all at once. By the end of the night I can barely keep my eyes open long enough to say goodnight to the kiddos, let alone make it to bed in a timely fashion. Normally, this wouldn’t be a big deal. I would just let my body take over and head to bed. The issue as of late is I am about a month in a half behind in paperwork for our foster kiddos and I have been “going to do the girls hair” for about a solid 3 weeks now.

Doing the girls hair isn’t an easy feat. As in, we are talking about mid back length naturally curly 4c hair… Le sigh! Basically what that means is tons of detangling that does absolutely nothing because its tangled before I even get to the end of the hairs that I combing. Not complaining, because I am rather proud of myself for helping their hairs to grow that long. Just saying, its a lot of work.

Tonight I did Miss Marie’s head of hairs, because I tend to neglect hers more then her sisters. That was the longest process and I had to trim the ends. Lets just say, i just finished. I was about to head to bed when I remembered I hadn’t blogged for the night. And I’m just remembering I didn’t blog last night. Oh well, one day out of 30…

Today has been a great day, Miss Marie had a state gymnastics meet right outside of south Austin. She did her best performance yet, but still not enough to get her to Level 4… But we were able to hang out with close gymnastics friends and Mouse went with so it was a girls weekend. One where I’ve officially spent WAYYYY too much money. Yesterday Mouse’s Nutcracker family had a wine tasting fundraiser. Lets just say I walked away with three new wines to try out and a fe other things, ones I was for sure I would get out bid on. But didn’t… LOL!

I swear one of these days I will learn my lesson.

Anyways, todays truth is…. I have reached the stage in life where I fall asleep before my kiddos. Its down right depressing, and makes me chuckle all at the same time. I am looking forward to when I reach the stage of having energy again.

Buenos Noches!

NaBloPoMo November 2015