Just another manic Monday

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What I know…

I know that these last few months have been some of the most trying, full and enjoyable experiences of my life. Maybe it has something to do with how I’m viewing myself through this process. 

In November I thought the world would be better without me, or at least my pain and agony would cease to exist. What I know from that is, it would end for me but continue on through the people I would leave behind. During those dark moments you can’t see that. All you see is that you are alone, you are less than and that you are in pain and you would do ANYTHING to stop that pain. 

In December, I made the conscious decision to tell someone what was going on in my head. And what I mean is that I not only told my counselor, I talked with my doctor, I talked with my husband, I talked with my kiddos Godmom. I told friends and I put it on my blog. I asked for help and THAT was the single most hardest decision I have ever made. Things like that thrive in secrecy. I’m so glad I choose to reach out. I can’t say I loved the process. Because let’s be honest, I am an independent soul and I felt like I was being told to tell people my every move. I had weekly, sometimes daily check-ins. I had to give up things that made me feel safe but could also harm me. What I can say is there is power in support, positive thinking, and prayer. Thank you! 

In February I welcomed a baby niece and a few short weeks later I was given another niece. I love them as much as if they were my own.

One half of JZ

The other half of JZ

 JZ are absolutely perfect in every way. My heart was full. But… it also bought up that little thing that likes to pop up every now and then. Wanting another baby of my own. I know, I know. I joke a lot about not wanting to be pregnant again or going through labor again or even sleepless nights. But joking is also my coping mechanism. The urge to want to have a baby didn’t come around until after we had to give up the twins and their brother. In my heart I know what we did was best for us. Three was a LOT of work, at times I was overwhelmed. But it opened up in me the reminder that I couldn’t have another one of my own. The thought of going through what I did with Marie’s birth seriously gives me heart palpitations and anxiety. We almost lost her, I’m not sure I wouldn’t have that fear and stress in the back of my mind the whole pregnancy. And so because that was so traumatic, shortly after she was born I asked Ike to get a vasectomy. And he did. At the time it was the best decision and to be honest, I feel like it is still the best decision. But it doesn’t change the fact that my body aches to have a baby to carry and love and nurse. I’m slowly figuring out how to navigate those mindfields. For now I do it by getting some much needed snuggles from my beautiful baby nieces. I might or might not spoil them, but I can’t confirm that. I do want to add, we’ve had (Ike and I) that conversation. And we both agree that unless it’s meant to be (as in I get pregnant), we will not be taking in any infants or toddlers through foster care. Even though on occasion I ask him if he is absolutely positively for sure… What I know is that I can hold the sorrow of not having my own AND the joy of being an auntie twice over all together and still be happy. That is truly amazing to me. I’m learning and growing daily!

March came and went so fast, I’m still trying to figure out where it went. But what I do know is that I Love my husband more today than I did yesterday, or even ten years ago. And I say that because we just celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary. 

Happy 10th Anniversary

It was truly magical and everything we wanted. To be surrounded by friends and family. To have the same feel as our wedding and to be enjoyed by all. I’ll share pictures and more about that later. I also know that if I hadn’t learned even a little about making MYSELF happy, no one else would be able to. And so to be at this point is huge for me. We were close to being divorced on a couple of different occasions. The thing that helped us was taking each moment, hour, day, week, month at a time. 

April has been a time of slowin down, enjoying the quiet moments and spending time with family and friends. We celebrated the 5th birthday of our extra baby. 

Celebrating with classmates

Watching her be loved on and celebrated was absolutely adorable and so amazing. To see the pure look of joy and excitement in receiving was something I will cherish forever. To have something that is hers, and hers alone made her so incredibly happy. Im happy we got to see and experience that. What a gift! 

April has also been a full month, the group I was in has been cancelled because by the end I was the only one showing up. So I have to find and get comfortable in another group. I have a story about that too. Lol! We will be leaving next month on a six week roadtrip, yes I said six whole weeks! I am beyond excited. This trip will be epic. 

This is us filling out passport paperwork

It will include Canada, and the East Coast. With lots of time with friends and family along the way. Which leads me to add that our oldest daughter will be joining us in week two and stay with us through the end. I am excited for Ike and the kiddos. They get to spend some much wanted and needed time with an older sibling they didn’t get to grow up with. And I am lucky enough I get to watch all of it happen! 

For now that’s all I have, maybe I’ll finish those other stories and schedule them to post over the next few days. 

Namaste my Friends!



Kind of silent share

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So we have a lot going on, I have a lot to catch you up on. But I feel bad that this site has kind of fallen to the side. I swear, it’s coming back! I love to post pictures with my commentary and for some reason I don’t have enough space to do that. Lol! So I’m working on updating and getting my other site up and running. I’ve actually had it for a few years now, just had it connected to this one. Because…. too much work. More on that later, for now. Enjoy this adorable photo of D-boy and mKK watching the girls play soccer this past weekend. 

Happy Thursday Folks! Iiona

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From the beginning…

Looking back over the few stories I have sitting in the unpublished file, I can see I’ve started a conversation on religion and spirituality and then let it sit. I think I have over 5 stories sitting waiting for me to come back to them. It’s not that I didn’t have a story, it’s that I realized I was and still aim seeking what my view on all of those things are. 

I can say with absolute certainty that I don’t not believe in the God of the bible. I don’t believe in organized religion. I do believe in the divine, in the creator. Just not the same one most people who are Christian believe in. I realized tonight that I have issues with blonde hair, blue eyes, in a box God. Like major issues. I’ve known that for a while, I just tend to gloss over it or not put much thought into it. 

But a few days ago I knew I needed to go back to the beginning. Start with a clean slate and learn. I mean truly learn, because I won’t be able to move forward in my pursuit of a happy life if I am still hung up on some blonde hair blue eyed beast who allows people to be hurt and rules with an iron fist… See, issues…

Anyways, I said I would give EVERY religion and creation story a fair shake. I know I am taking on a huge task, but I have time right now. Nothing but time actually :-/ Learning about religions isn’t anything new for me, most of my BS (that’s the degree, not bullshit) is in religion and women’s studies. So I am in the beginning stages, actually completely engrossed in a book now. I had to pause to write this. What’s most interesting about the book is occasionally she will ask a ton of questions with the thought it would get you to see where you are and answer the questions honestly. Like…

1. What was your childhood religion, if any?

2. What did your mother teach you about God?

3. Describe your childhood God using at least ten adjectives.

4. Is this still the God you believe in?

5. Write a prayer.

Etc.. As you can see by some of the questions I’m going to have a ball with this book. I realized today I miss being in school, so basically I just set up my own course and coursework… I need to apply to Graduate school soon…

Anyways, I think I’ve lost focus. Actually, I know I lost focus. Unfortunately today, that is my issue and I’m being forever gracious with myself and ending this post here. Maybe tomorrow will be more focused and a little more indepth conversation. Or maybe… Birds… Lol!


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Standing in your truth

Today, marks day two of me standing in my truth.

It’s Thursday and I’ve been maneuvering through the last two weeks as if in a cloud filled haze. I have never been happier, I have never been more in tune with myself and my body. But I have also never been good at pushing off this feeling, this haze that takes over and sets in for over a month.

And because I can’t, won’t, don’t know how to move it. I’m going to sit in it, marinate in it and then move through it. Sometimes the lesson is the journey, today, this is true…