Simply

Just another manic Monday


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What I know…

I know that these last few months have been some of the most trying, full and enjoyable experiences of my life. Maybe it has something to do with how I’m viewing myself through this process. 

In November I thought the world would be better without me, or at least my pain and agony would cease to exist. What I know from that is, it would end for me but continue on through the people I would leave behind. During those dark moments you can’t see that. All you see is that you are alone, you are less than and that you are in pain and you would do ANYTHING to stop that pain. 

In December, I made the conscious decision to tell someone what was going on in my head. And what I mean is that I not only told my counselor, I talked with my doctor, I talked with my husband, I talked with my kiddos Godmom. I told friends and I put it on my blog. I asked for help and THAT was the single most hardest decision I have ever made. Things like that thrive in secrecy. I’m so glad I choose to reach out. I can’t say I loved the process. Because let’s be honest, I am an independent soul and I felt like I was being told to tell people my every move. I had weekly, sometimes daily check-ins. I had to give up things that made me feel safe but could also harm me. What I can say is there is power in support, positive thinking, and prayer. Thank you! 

In February I welcomed a baby niece and a few short weeks later I was given another niece. I love them as much as if they were my own.

One half of JZ

The other half of JZ

 JZ are absolutely perfect in every way. My heart was full. But… it also bought up that little thing that likes to pop up every now and then. Wanting another baby of my own. I know, I know. I joke a lot about not wanting to be pregnant again or going through labor again or even sleepless nights. But joking is also my coping mechanism. The urge to want to have a baby didn’t come around until after we had to give up the twins and their brother. In my heart I know what we did was best for us. Three was a LOT of work, at times I was overwhelmed. But it opened up in me the reminder that I couldn’t have another one of my own. The thought of going through what I did with Marie’s birth seriously gives me heart palpitations and anxiety. We almost lost her, I’m not sure I wouldn’t have that fear and stress in the back of my mind the whole pregnancy. And so because that was so traumatic, shortly after she was born I asked Ike to get a vasectomy. And he did. At the time it was the best decision and to be honest, I feel like it is still the best decision. But it doesn’t change the fact that my body aches to have a baby to carry and love and nurse. I’m slowly figuring out how to navigate those mindfields. For now I do it by getting some much needed snuggles from my beautiful baby nieces. I might or might not spoil them, but I can’t confirm that. I do want to add, we’ve had (Ike and I) that conversation. And we both agree that unless it’s meant to be (as in I get pregnant), we will not be taking in any infants or toddlers through foster care. Even though on occasion I ask him if he is absolutely positively for sure… What I know is that I can hold the sorrow of not having my own AND the joy of being an auntie twice over all together and still be happy. That is truly amazing to me. I’m learning and growing daily!

March came and went so fast, I’m still trying to figure out where it went. But what I do know is that I Love my husband more today than I did yesterday, or even ten years ago. And I say that because we just celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary. 

Happy 10th Anniversary


It was truly magical and everything we wanted. To be surrounded by friends and family. To have the same feel as our wedding and to be enjoyed by all. I’ll share pictures and more about that later. I also know that if I hadn’t learned even a little about making MYSELF happy, no one else would be able to. And so to be at this point is huge for me. We were close to being divorced on a couple of different occasions. The thing that helped us was taking each moment, hour, day, week, month at a time. 

April has been a time of slowin down, enjoying the quiet moments and spending time with family and friends. We celebrated the 5th birthday of our extra baby. 

Celebrating with classmates


Watching her be loved on and celebrated was absolutely adorable and so amazing. To see the pure look of joy and excitement in receiving was something I will cherish forever. To have something that is hers, and hers alone made her so incredibly happy. Im happy we got to see and experience that. What a gift! 

April has also been a full month, the group I was in has been cancelled because by the end I was the only one showing up. So I have to find and get comfortable in another group. I have a story about that too. Lol! We will be leaving next month on a six week roadtrip, yes I said six whole weeks! I am beyond excited. This trip will be epic. 

This is us filling out passport paperwork


It will include Canada, and the East Coast. With lots of time with friends and family along the way. Which leads me to add that our oldest daughter will be joining us in week two and stay with us through the end. I am excited for Ike and the kiddos. They get to spend some much wanted and needed time with an older sibling they didn’t get to grow up with. And I am lucky enough I get to watch all of it happen! 

For now that’s all I have, maybe I’ll finish those other stories and schedule them to post over the next few days. 

Namaste my Friends!

I

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Things to look forward to

I’m sure I will eventually post the story I wrote a few days ago. But for now, now I want to stay in the light and so this was what we had to look forward to…

We got a foster care placement on Wednesday, literally 4.5hrs after we made it back home from South Dakota. It was everything we didn’t ask for and more. We have come to the conclusion that we are too ‘old’ to have anyone under the age of 4 in our house (unless someone decides to make a joke and the vasectomy we’ve had reverses itself. Please note; I’m not laughing)…

We are also keep it to one more, maybe two more kiddos but definitely not three more. Been there, done that! And so we get a text message about an emergency placement, we are the last resort otherwise they will split them. The suckers we are fell for it. Lol! No matter what they will be split into at least two homes, there are 4 of them and a baby on the way. Our home only has 3 spots. So here’s to hoping our close friends who are foster parents will be able to take them so that they can see each other a lot. 

Anyways, so out of the three only one of them met our requirements. Haha! So we now have a house of six kiddos, 15, 10, 9, 4, 2 and 1… Whew! I’m tired just typing that out. Needless to say it’s been busy. 

The other exciting thing we had to look forward to was our youngest had her 9th trip around the sun on Sunday! 


She has been counting down to her birthday since April. I’m always happy when it finally gets here, she is so funny! This year I dropped the ball and didn’t bake cupcakes for the friends that would come to her party. Let’s be honest, I was just plain tired. So I bought a cake from Walmart (the only store open at 7am on a Sunday morning) and made her two little cakes (because… Dairy allergy).

She could care less about anything else other then eating her cakes and swimming. Also one of her gymnastics buddies had a swimming party as well so she got to celebrate twice. She was happy and so was I.


It’s so easy to get caught up in the darkness, find some light and stand strong in that. 

And to finish the post, I chopped my hair on Thursday. It’s cut, I feel so Boy George-ish! 


Namaste


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Almost a week later…

Normally I write a reflection piece on my last year the night before or the night of my birthday. This year was different.

I’ve been 36 for 6 days now and I am enjoying all of that. I am 4 years closer to 40 and feeling so much like an adult. I know I’m an adult, but these last few years I’ve felt like I’m adulting even more. Yes, I know that’s not a word, but I’m going to use it anyways.

I’m more in tune with who I am and where I’m going. I am more determined and willing to take the risks (more so lately in the last year). I know what I like and I don’t settle for less. I am also not willing to spend time letting others define who and what I should be, nor do I spend my time with negative people. I feel like I should spend time with people of the same mindset and determination, it just makes for a better life.

Anyways, this last year I’ve wrestled with what religion is to me and I’ve finally figured it out and now just as before willing to stand in that truth. For me, that was one of the hardest parts of this year. Next was truly healing and being in the truth of my childhood. Realizing that it doesn’t define me, it is just a part of who I am. And that I can give all of the hurt and sadness power if I allow it. And this year I have finally decided to stop giving it power. It was a decision that has been for the better, I can’t say that there won’t be days where I am just present and mourning the things I have been through. I know there will be, but once I am able to mourn them I will be able to move forward. My biggest issue is I never mourned what happened, I just dealt with it. A coping mechanism that served me greatly in the beginning of life, one that won’t continue on past this moment.

I feel like I am more confidant, sexier, outspoken, and just all around more. Is it true you hit a certain point when you reach your 30s? It must be, because these last 6 years of my 30s on this earth have been so incredibly interesting and filling. Less is more, family over everything (and I mean the family I’ve made), I enjoy being touched more (just touched in general), I am learning to be more present in the things we do as a couple, by myself or with our whole family. After all the best part of the journey are the small moments all compiled into bigger moments.

Anyways, I ended my 30 days of writing by recording myself talking about the things that were swirling around in my head. Maybe at some point I will take those recordings and write them out and post them here. Some are so profound and others are just fun. Either way it goes I almost successfully posted a story for a full 30 days. I know I posted a photo or at least took a photo to be able to post it. I am proud of myself for sticking with it even when the most I could do was post a sentence or two, not entirely because I was tired but just because of where I was during that time of the month.

I ended November, remembering my grandmother through the cake my amazing husband baked for me. It was great and I’m glad I have someone who loves me enough to crack a shitload of walnuts, lol! But really, he is a great guy. Wouldn’t trade him for the world… Well, maybe for Denzel Washington but that’s besides the point. 🙂

A couple of the last days of November seemed to drag on forever, I teared up a few times for the lose the little girl experienced at the age of 14. I grieved for the little girl who lost her whole world and had to suck it up and keep it moving because life wasn’t kind enough to allow her to pause and be in her grief. I grieved for the little girl who lost the one person she considered her mom and I grieved for the little girl who missed sitting in her grannies lap being held and hugged and kissed. Once I grieved for those loses I was able to be completely joyful in my truth of being a photographer.

I’ve been fighting it for such a long time, I am excited to take this new journey and to see where it takes me. I was able to shadow a photographer friend and her husband as they shot a wedding, not only did I shadow them I also took photos. It was amazing, and I loved every long minute of it. Being present in the love of someone else love, it gave me new meaning to the almost 9 year marriage of myself and that great guy, Ike.

Anyways, I am wondering from the intent of this post and so I will bring it back around to say. I am grateful to another year to be present in this life, to watch my children grow and experience life. I am grateful for friends and family who make this life journey amazing and fun. And I truly look forward to this next year and what 36 will look like at the end of the year.

Namaste!


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Crafty

Today I had a strong urge to be crafty… So I fiddled around on Pinterest and I’m making pineapple chicken stir fry and a simple banana bread. I’ve had the bananas in my freezer for about 4 months now, waiting precisely for me to use them for this very thing. According to my other half he prefers his bananas to be stored with the skins off, I on the other hand, store mines by just sticking the whole brown thing in my freezer and then pulling it out when I’m having a crafty moment.

The last few days I’ve been thinking and reminiscing about my maternal grandmother who passed when I was 14 years old. I considered her my mother and so it was hard when she died. It was even harder when she died two days after my birthday. That’s a different story for another time. But what has sparked my thought process is the fact that Ike will be making me my favorite cake for my birthday. This is what my granny used to make me every year that I lived with her. It was my own special cake, even though my birthday falls on or around the Thanksgiving holiday every year she did all she could to make it special. And that was one way. Making a from scratch German chocolate cake. 

That’s what I’m getting on Thursday, actually I think I might have told him two. Just because. He makes them from scratch too. It makes my whole body do a happy dance, takes me back to being in the kitchen…

STOP!

This is my stream of consciousness post for today. Thanks for stopping by! 

NaBloPoMo November 2015