Simply

Just another manic Monday

Underneath it all…

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It’s been so long since I’ve sat down and written a story for my blog. I’ve been writing and writing, just nothing that I am willing to share quite yet. It’s been a rather interesting month and a half.

I successfully (but with major scars) made it through the month of November. I spent the first part of my birthday taking photos for a wedding. It was small, quaint and full of love and support. I feel truly blessed that I was able to be there to capture it for them. I’ve seen majority of the pictures and can’t wait to edit them.
Thanksgiving was a conundrum. Because our littlest one had the most insane skin flare up ever. And so there was a moment that we thought she would need to get admitted to the hospital because of how bad it was. Not only that but that morning I woke up happy and excited and by the end of the day I was fighting off triggers and depressed feelings. It got pretty scary.

I try to be an open book when it comes to my journey but in reality sometimes I’m just not because it’s easier to keep it bottled up. But for the remainder of that week and for at least a week to follow I fought hard feelings of committing suicide. I have had flashbacks, and smells and sights. But I’ve never had a trigger as strong as I did, where I was so completely lost and confused on where I was in time. The only thing that kept reminding me where I was were my kiddos and my favorite calming song, Sitting on the Doc of the Bay… 

Because the trigger was so strong, the side effects have lasted for weeks. I’m tired emotionally, physically and mentally. I feel like I am on alert at all times, but also like I am trying to forge out calm. It is such a weird place to be in. Of course my sleeping and waking stages are off, and that alone is driving me crazy. I finally realized it was time to call my PCP for some type of medication when I had serious thoughts of voluntarily committing myself to an inpatient hospital so that I could not hurt myself.

I’ve officially been on medication for a week, I don’t like any of it. It makes me tired, which I guess is good because my sleep was lacking. But now I’m so tired I just crash every night. I haven’t remembered one dream over the last week. Last night I forgot to take my medication and I woke up this morning and had a small memory of my dreams. But what I noticed the most was underneath it all, underneath the medication, the sleep, the tiredness, etc… I am just incredibly sad and exhausted. I’m managing my days well mostly. My energy is low, so I’m trying to work on that. Initially I tried with caffeine. That doesn’t do anything. So I’ve been doing it with food. Not unhealthy food, which is a good start. I have been eating almonds, carrots, snap peas, salads, etc. I would enjoy some grapes but they are a hit or a miss because they aren’t technically in season.

I have been in communication with my counselor, so she knows. She is sweet, she has built in a weekly check-in between our visits. I understand why she did it… But doesn’t mean that I like it. LOL! She also highly suggested that I voluntarily hand my weapons over to someone that will put them away and not tell me where. I just want to say I feel completely naked without my knife. That has been my comfort for knowing that I can protect myself if I needed to. But I guess something that protects can also cause harm. And so I am slowly learning how it feels to be naked and vulnerable without my protection. As of now my mindset is, “It is what it is…” and all of these people are truly annoying me. Like enough to make me say something but not enough to be rude or disrespectful. Because I am trusting that they have my best interest at heart.

Anyways, today is another ‘slow’ morning. I’ve been cleaning to clear my mind, lol! I hate cleaning. Or more like I dislike cleaning with a passion. I’ve been making small check off lists and crossing things off. It feels good to be able to do that. It’s the small victories. I got up and brushed my teeth. I ate some food. I helped our elves make muffins for the kiddos. I got five kiddos off to school with little fanfare. And now I’m planning to go get a few more things for our elves so they can do more fun things this weekend. I’ve been slacking on that end and the girls miss it tons.

I think the weirdest part of this whole experience over the last week is we took in an emergency respite placement of two kiddos. They are older than what we are used to and they are older than what we would ever want in our home. The girl is 11 and the boy is 12. Having the girl in the house is like looking in a mirror. She has been through a lot and has experienced even more. I can see that she is a fighter, but I can also see where she is just plain tired and exhausted. Since being in our house she has slept longer and seems a little more chill. But this is also the honeymoon period. It’s only through next week, but Ike and I have been talking about whether we want it to be more long term. We can see their potential, but we are not oblivious to the amount of work it will be to help them reach it. If not with us, we truly hope they are reunited with their momma. They both seem to want to go back, but they haven’t been with her in such a long time that I’m not sure the girl is entirely sure anymore.

I am asking for prayers, for myself, for the two kiddos we have in our home and of course for my own children and my other half. There is a lot going on, somethings are known and some things not everyone knows. Eventually I think everyone will be caught up to speed. But for now slow and steady is also my mantra.

Love and Light my friends, Namaste.

I

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I think…

It is only 6:15pm and I feel as if I’ve already gone through two days since 11:30am. I am tired and only wanting to shut the world and all of its stimulus out my going to sleep. But, life…

The youngest is with dad at gymnastics, the middle one is at the park with friends. And the oldest one is cooking us dinner, because I just couldn’t. Luckily there is freezer food and pasta to get us through the night. 

I am beyond exhausted, but have a laundry list of things that need to happen and keep piling up. I want to turn everything down, curl up on my bed & just stay there. But, life…

So I turn on my music that soothes and I start knocking shit off my list. Small at first, I can only focus on small. Nothing too intensive or that requires a lot of brain power. Because my brain is mush. 

I had an exceptionally hard therapy session today. I thought about just telling her I was completely happy with where I was at and that I think I’m done with therapy. But then I would of had to tell her that through the barrage of tears that refused to stop coming and as I dry heaved because I became physically sick to my stomach. This shit is fucking hard as fuck. I need to cuss to emphasis my point of how fucking hard this shit is. Like fucking, fuck, fuck, fuck…

Anyways, since then I’ve been combating feeling sick, feeling anxious, feeling overwhelmed. I’ve been dealing with some awesome sensations rolling in and out of my body at different times. It, All of it, can be so draining. I guess I would rather be drained because I purposefully took a box off of the shelf and started to deal with it vs trying to shove everything back into the box as it fell off of the shelf. 


I took a short nap, I need like 20 more of those. Bedtime will be sweet serenity… As long as the dreams stay at bay and insomnia doesn’t kick in. I figure if I drink some wine before going to bed I won’t be able to do anything but sleep.

Anyways, I’m praying for myself and sending positive vibes to my bed. There is where I will fight the most, dreams…

Well here’s a good thing so it’s not all poor me and I want to wallow in self pity as I go through dealing with being sexually abused. I’m an ass, I just realized that. 


But anyways, it’s Tuesday. There is a school dance on Friday and the twins (that used to live with us) have their second birthday party on Sunday! I’m excited, they are so sweet. Plus, I get to play with two of them tomorrow for a few hours. 😊

Namaste, I


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Heavy and thick…

Sometimes it comes out of nowhere, heavy and thick. Like a dark cloud invading the space I’ve created.

Other times I feel it like a tide coming in off the sea, steady and rising with a full force behind it. Leaving damage in its wake.

That’s the way the feelings get. Sometimes they’re mines, the feelings I have all of a sudden. When I remember that something has happened or is about to happen, I get the feelings.

And other times, they are the feelings of someone near or far. Most times I can navigate them fine.

 
Other times they leave me fully drained and sitting in a pool of my own sweat and tears. 

The ones that last too long, have me questioning every life decision I have ever made. Wondering why I’m so horrible. But as quick as it came is as quick as it leaves. 

Leaving me wondering if I’m actually going crazy. It’s like a switch was flipped and instantly the sadness, the tears and the heavy feeling is gone.

Only to pop up a few days, weeks, or months later…  

 


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Meeting of the minds…

I woke up this morning with plans. The other half and I reminded each other to take a peak at the calendar because yesterday we had almost missed a dentist appointment for the girls. We have a routine, he asks whats on the agenda for the day and I respond with whatever appointments we have and what his role is in making those appointments happen. Like now we are in February and Mini Mouse is in volleyball, so our Wednesday nights now consist of volleyball practice. Because I am the coach for her team I take her and Ike will stay at home with the other two. But tonight there will be a shift in our schedule and so Ike will now have to take Mouse to practice and most likely have to help run the practice. All of the other parents will step in and help make practice run smoothly, I just don’t like missing things I committed to doing…

This morning as I took a small pause, wrote in my journal, downloaded images and thought about the things that are on my agenda an image popped up on the screen that had a song pop into my head. The image was a dock, nothing much, but enough to catch my attention and the song by Otis Redding to flood my brain. The song (Sitting on) The Dock of the Bay instantly went on repeat in my head, like the needle got stuck and couldn’t move forward. Because of that I just looked for the song on youtube and put it on repeat, otherwise it would drive me bonkers for the rest of the day.

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Anyways, I knew there was a message in the song and so I started actively listening to the words and what the message could possibly be. I mean, I haven’t listened to this song in years. As I listened to the song it reminded me of the afternoon before when Ike and I had considered for the both of us to head to South Austin to visit with our cousins. I told him I just needed to make a quick stop and get some pictures from a friend down the street. He said that he just wanted to get going and so I should just go and he would be back in about two hours. I had to change my plans and decided I would possibly go to a park and get some quiet time and take some pictures. As I sat there contemplating what I was going to do, the person who I needed to meet text and said she was going to hop in the shower really quick and to text when I made it to her house. So I grabbed my water, phone and keys and ran out of the house so that she wouldn’t have to wait much longer.

I got to her house and had to wait for a few minutes and so I sat on the swing on her front porch. That was exactly what I needed and didn’t realize. I sat down and my body instantly went into a relaxed meditative mode. My mind had been on active mode since waking up and so this was my moment to pause and be present to what was happening. The breeze and the slight chill in the air was just right for swinging and not thinking. I enjoyed all 30 minutes of it. I was happy that the friend didn’t have anywhere to be at that moment and so I said to her, “I absolutely LOVE your front porch, this swing, the breeze, the peace and the view. Do you mind if I borrow it on occasion?” In that moment I found what I thought was escaping me all day. Quiet within the storm.

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It wasn’t like standing in the eye of the storm. It was like standing outside in the middle of a fresh snowfall and the only thing you can hear is the muffled sounds of animals, your feet moving through the snow, the quiet of each snowflake hitting the ground. Even though it’s cold, you close your eyes, take a deep cleansing breath and relish in that moment. And so that is what I did for those 30 minutes, I sat back listened to all of the sounds and took plenty of deep cleansing breaths. I’m glad our initial plans didn’t go through, because that was where I was supposed to be.

Anyways, back to this morning. As per normal, I thought I had more time then I did and so I was rushing out of the house to make it to 8:30am Gentle yoga and listening to this song on repeat in the car. Literally about a half mile from the highway my mind said, you’re rushing, you won’t make it, don’t try. That is not where you’re supposed to be this morning… Annoyed, I turned around and went back home and said fine I will just go to the 10:30am Hatha I yoga session. It is currently 10:49am, I am sitting in the Target Starbucks cafe on my computer typing up this story. What I’m realizing is I needed a moment with myself to hear the message that was being told to me through the song. Though going to yoga would have been helpful, it wasn’t what I needed.

I am currently in the process of working on me, which includes going to a few group therapy sessions for survivors of Sexual Abuse… On Monday I half made the choice that I would attend group tonight and acupuncture on Thursday morning, I hear it can work wonders for things like this. Monday night I kind of made a plan with Ike for him to take my place at volleyball practice. Tuesday I sent the email to the team that I wouldn’t be at practice but Mya would. And this morning I made the decision that I would attend the group therapy session. I’m not looking forward to it, to be honest I am completely dreading it. My stomach is in knots thinking about it. I want to call someone, anyone and complain about it, rant about it and try and talk myself out of it. But lets be honest, baby steps. I can’t do it all overnight and this is my journey, no one else’s. Doesn’t change the fact that I want to bring someone with me so that I won’t feel so alone. Mainly, I just need to feel like I am not in this alone and without support. I know it’s not true, I have support. But my inner child can’t see that. She just sees that she has to relive a time in her life when she felt completely and utterly by herself and no control over what happened to her. No matter how hard I try to stay in my adult mind, that girl keeps popping her head up. She’s the one telling me to run, and run far.

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I feel like I’m being asked to cross this dock with all of the missing planks and the danger of falling in and getting hurt. In my head I know that as soon as I take the first step the missing planks and pieces will come. I just can’t see it because when I look out all I see is this broken down dock. I can’t see past all of that and see that the end of the dock is sturdy and can hold me and my problems. Anyways, today will be long. Solace will seem fleeting, my brain will freeze, my breath will hitch and at times I won’t be breathing because it will be too much. My goal for today is to be gracious on myself, to acknowledge all of these things as they happen and allow it to happen. Right now it’s easy to say that. I’m not in the thick of it, feeling as if my next breath will be my last.

I thought I was coming to the Cafe to meet someone and it turns out I was here to meet myself…

 

“It’s not okay just to see what you suffered as a child through your adult eyes. You must connect with the feeling you experienced as that child in order to express it and let it go. It’s all about the feeling.” -Laurie Stinson


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Friendships 

I’m literally laying in bed listening to the sounds of our house sleep. Wishing I was asleep as well, but being completely wide awake. The cruel cruel world of insomnia. I’m sure I will pay the price tomorrow. As for now, I sit and contemplate life. My life to be exact. I’m not sad, just in a stage of contemplation. Sometimes the things I analyze aren’t all that happy, but it takes getting through those things to reach the other side of happiness. If I can’t find happiness within myself, no one else will be able to offer that to me. I’m learning to be happy from within first.

Lately, my mind has been static on friendships. Those I have lost, those that are there and those that I perceive to be there. Friendships are tricky. They are or can be an emotional mind field. For instance, I had a friend who died while we were both in high school. I was devastated. I couldn’t comprehend why someone so special could die so young. For me, she made an even bigger impact on me. 

Another instance, I had a bestest best friend tell me I was too much for her and that she needed a break from me forever. We spent so much time together, she was my ying to her yang. Virtually inseparable. I was crushed. Life moved forward without me for awhile. Looking back at it, I was in the midst of a severe depression stage and I just needed someone to tell me I wasn’t crazy. It wasn’t her, I eventually got that answered and I slowly started treading water again. But it was never the same after that. 

She was the proverbial straw that broke the camels back. I still love her, she was a huge part of my survival into high school years. When we get together it’s as if no time has passed. I truly miss those types of friendships. It’s hard to come across those now. 

What I have realized is that because of that first deep hurt from my friend I don’t trust nor believe in those types of friendships anymore. I’m good at playing lip service, but let’s be honest. Your first instinct is to protect yourself from being hurt like that again. I have many layers, it took years to build them. They have worked. And then two people come along and start knocking cracks into the walls. And here I sit contemplating how to seal those cracks back up. Not because I don’t want true friendship, but because I no longer know what it means. My definition is so skewed I don’t know which way is up. I panic when people start to see the real me. Only I can see her, she is not for anyone else’s eyes. It throws me off my game, I’m forced to play it off or say take it or leave it. This is me. And typically people say leave it when faced with a choice. 

And so I build another wall, but this one thicker then the last. Until I don’t even recognize myself when she comes out to play. And so here I sit, learning to like my true self again. Learning to recognize her and what makes her tick.

Anyways, I’m going to force myself to go to bed before I reach my point of no return.  

 
And with that, I bid you goodnight!