Simply

Just another manic Monday

Sweet dreams are made of these…

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And so it begins… me trying to get my creative mojo back. I haven’t written anything anywhere in over a year. I’ve felt stuck, silenced, angry, hurt, frustrated, sad. I’ve felt like this last year has been a constant battle of fighting my inner demons. I’ve felt like me trying to write down what I’m experiencing and going through would make it smaller somehow. My limited vocabulary would not do it justice. And by limited I mean something’s can’t be put into words, they can only be felt.

Welcome November! One of my least favorite months of the year. I’m trying to change that narrative. So much happens in this month, I go through a lifetime of changes in 30 days. Sometimes I make it out with minimal scars and other times, well those times are dark…

So back to welcoming November… I’m doing 30 days of writing, reflecting, and hopefully moving forward one day at a time. I decided to join up with a group of people who love to write and will be writing everyday. Ignore the fact that it’s already day two and nothing has been posted yet, mkay!

Today’s prompt is What are your dreams? The first thought that popped in to my head was the song by Eurythmics.

Sweet dreams are made of this

Who am I to disagree?

I travel the world

And seven seas,

Everybody’s looking for something.

I’m not sure why this song was the first thing that came to mind, but I’m kind of glad it did. Mostly. I’ve been humming this song almost everyday since it showed up. Most of the memories surrounding this song are when I was a young girl. My family was living with my aunt and her children. We lived off of Bluff street in Madison, WI. Small house on a sort of major road. My aunt had a pet dog, but he ended up dying. I remember powdered milk and honey smacks cereal and broken promises and physical abuse. Sometimes those memories, I wish they were just all a bad dream. Not bits and pieces of my past, my childhood.

You know the biggest thing that I’ve noticed since starting counseling is that not only were the bad things suppressed, so were the good things. Also, what comes with those memories is the emotions. Those I can definitely do without. All of the pent up and stuffed emotions I had over 30+ years. Not getting out anger, frustration, hurt, sadness. All of that wants to join the memories. I truly only have the capacity for laughter and sarcasm. Because if I can crack a joke, I will live to see another day. I’ve gotten so good at cracking jokes and making light of situations, that when the situation isn’t something I can joke away I don’t know how to deal. I can’t figure out how to not let it become all consuming. It’s a good thing I have a counselor who understands that and will sit with those emotions for me, even if I can’t do it for myself. It is nice not having to shoulder the burden of all of that alone anymore.

fullsizeoutput_415dAnyways, as of late my dreams are elusive. I know I have them and I can feel when I’m in them. Sometimes I even know I”m dreaming when I’m dreaming. But I can’t remember them to save my life after i wake up. Maybe that’s my minds way of protecting me from getting a constant barrage of images as of late. Because somehow I have triggered myself and I’m trying to find my way back to zero. Because I’m pacing my floors, repeating the same things over and over and just overall anxious. 

When I mention that I am triggered, thats me saying something I said, did, listened to, saw, read, anything has triggered my body/mind/soul into thinking we need to be on heightened awareness. Sometimes the awareness is I feel like I’m not safe, other times its just a basic feeling of dread and fear, and still other times I have no idea what it is so I’m just pacing my floors.

Bringing your attention to the photo above, its pretty cool huh?! The black and white gives me a dream vibe. The tree just stood out to me, plus the location is a reminder that I was able to go back and conquer a fear I had as a teen. Devil’s Lake is gorgeous, I am so happy I was able to share that with my three littles.

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Hello from here!

Hello! I feels like it been forever since I’ve written anything. I’ve wanted to. I have a ton of stories stored on my iPad, iPhone, and Mac…. but it just didn’t seem like the time to hit send on those.

Y’all, I feel like I’m finally seeing a little light. Life has been busy, stressful and full. So much has been going on, maybe I’ll have the energy and gumption to write about it soon. For now I just wanted to say hi!

I’ve been navigating through some serious depressive moods and also trying to stay a functioning adult with children. Most days that works, the there are the other days. Currently I’m on the climb up out of that deep valley, the hardest part is trying to catch up. While down in the valley of depression things get put aside, people get put to the side and I just focus on making it through each day. Well, I’ve done that. But now I need to now pick up the pieces, people and things I’ve put aside. And I feel like I’m just overwhelmed. I’m trying not to let that consume me. But, sometimes I feel like a complete failure. I know eventually I will get over that, that I will catch back up, and life will continue on. But right now all I can see is the things I am supposed to be doing and haven’t. The deadlines I’ve missed, and the people I’ve probably pissed off or made to feel like I’m blowing them off. Then I start to get into my feelings and wonder why people don’t do the same for me as I do for them.

Anyways, I’m beyond exhausted and can’t believe I’m actually awake to write this. While also fighting a massive headache. So for now, just know I’m still here trucking along. Tired, in and out of valleys, but still focusing on only the next moment. I’m going to end this with, this is all I got for now. My headache is getting worse. But, I will be back soon!


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When I start to pace…

***I wrote this on December 11th, 2016. I’m going to post it as is, I won’t add to it.***

I keep pacing the floors of our house, repeating the same thing over and over and over again. I’m anxious, unfocused and can’t sit still. I’ve looked in our fridge over 10 times in the last 20 minutes. The contents don’t change, they stay the same. But my mind tells me that I haven’t done that yet and so I remember I’ve looked in the fridge as I’m standing looking into the fridge. 

Most times when I get like that I force myself to sit down and do mindless tasks. But even that seems like too much. I’ve closed and reopened the same app at least 20 times in the last 10 minutes. And now here I am going through my blog, reading old posts and remembering what was happening to me at this time last year or even the year before. 

I think I’ve done the November blog post a day the last couple of years. I signed up for it this year and because of where I was mentally and physically I just opted not to write on the blog. I spent countless hours writing but saving it on my phone, uploading it or writing it with pen and paper. It’s always interesting when I’m done writing to see how many pages of paper I’ve filled.


The last one I did was 19 pages front and back. It was me writing out how the last session with my counselor would go, what my responses would be and what I wanted to talk about. I can laugh about that now… it never goes as planned, as the way I have it written down and hoped it would go. 

When I got to my session, I looked at her and literally pulled out my stack of 19 pages and said this is the conversation I had with you last night. It went great and I think we figured out a lot… but things never go as planned do they?! And then we chuckled, me more because I was irritated that I was about to cry and I felt so incredibly bare. I.Love.Control. Anyway I can have it I take it. Especially when it comes to matters of the heart, of my past and the such. I need to be able to control that part of me. And she (meaning me) just doesn’t like to listen to reason. So I end up feeling small and alone and vulnerable. I don’t like that. 

Anyway…
Namaste my friends,

I

Underneath it all…

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It’s been so long since I’ve sat down and written a story for my blog. I’ve been writing and writing, just nothing that I am willing to share quite yet. It’s been a rather interesting month and a half.

I successfully (but with major scars) made it through the month of November. I spent the first part of my birthday taking photos for a wedding. It was small, quaint and full of love and support. I feel truly blessed that I was able to be there to capture it for them. I’ve seen majority of the pictures and can’t wait to edit them.
Thanksgiving was a conundrum. Because our littlest one had the most insane skin flare up ever. And so there was a moment that we thought she would need to get admitted to the hospital because of how bad it was. Not only that but that morning I woke up happy and excited and by the end of the day I was fighting off triggers and depressed feelings. It got pretty scary.

I try to be an open book when it comes to my journey but in reality sometimes I’m just not because it’s easier to keep it bottled up. But for the remainder of that week and for at least a week to follow I fought hard feelings of committing suicide. I have had flashbacks, and smells and sights. But I’ve never had a trigger as strong as I did, where I was so completely lost and confused on where I was in time. The only thing that kept reminding me where I was were my kiddos and my favorite calming song, Sitting on the Doc of the Bay… 

Because the trigger was so strong, the side effects have lasted for weeks. I’m tired emotionally, physically and mentally. I feel like I am on alert at all times, but also like I am trying to forge out calm. It is such a weird place to be in. Of course my sleeping and waking stages are off, and that alone is driving me crazy. I finally realized it was time to call my PCP for some type of medication when I had serious thoughts of voluntarily committing myself to an inpatient hospital so that I could not hurt myself.

I’ve officially been on medication for a week, I don’t like any of it. It makes me tired, which I guess is good because my sleep was lacking. But now I’m so tired I just crash every night. I haven’t remembered one dream over the last week. Last night I forgot to take my medication and I woke up this morning and had a small memory of my dreams. But what I noticed the most was underneath it all, underneath the medication, the sleep, the tiredness, etc… I am just incredibly sad and exhausted. I’m managing my days well mostly. My energy is low, so I’m trying to work on that. Initially I tried with caffeine. That doesn’t do anything. So I’ve been doing it with food. Not unhealthy food, which is a good start. I have been eating almonds, carrots, snap peas, salads, etc. I would enjoy some grapes but they are a hit or a miss because they aren’t technically in season.

I have been in communication with my counselor, so she knows. She is sweet, she has built in a weekly check-in between our visits. I understand why she did it… But doesn’t mean that I like it. LOL! She also highly suggested that I voluntarily hand my weapons over to someone that will put them away and not tell me where. I just want to say I feel completely naked without my knife. That has been my comfort for knowing that I can protect myself if I needed to. But I guess something that protects can also cause harm. And so I am slowly learning how it feels to be naked and vulnerable without my protection. As of now my mindset is, “It is what it is…” and all of these people are truly annoying me. Like enough to make me say something but not enough to be rude or disrespectful. Because I am trusting that they have my best interest at heart.

Anyways, today is another ‘slow’ morning. I’ve been cleaning to clear my mind, lol! I hate cleaning. Or more like I dislike cleaning with a passion. I’ve been making small check off lists and crossing things off. It feels good to be able to do that. It’s the small victories. I got up and brushed my teeth. I ate some food. I helped our elves make muffins for the kiddos. I got five kiddos off to school with little fanfare. And now I’m planning to go get a few more things for our elves so they can do more fun things this weekend. I’ve been slacking on that end and the girls miss it tons.

I think the weirdest part of this whole experience over the last week is we took in an emergency respite placement of two kiddos. They are older than what we are used to and they are older than what we would ever want in our home. The girl is 11 and the boy is 12. Having the girl in the house is like looking in a mirror. She has been through a lot and has experienced even more. I can see that she is a fighter, but I can also see where she is just plain tired and exhausted. Since being in our house she has slept longer and seems a little more chill. But this is also the honeymoon period. It’s only through next week, but Ike and I have been talking about whether we want it to be more long term. We can see their potential, but we are not oblivious to the amount of work it will be to help them reach it. If not with us, we truly hope they are reunited with their momma. They both seem to want to go back, but they haven’t been with her in such a long time that I’m not sure the girl is entirely sure anymore.

I am asking for prayers, for myself, for the two kiddos we have in our home and of course for my own children and my other half. There is a lot going on, somethings are known and some things not everyone knows. Eventually I think everyone will be caught up to speed. But for now slow and steady is also my mantra.

Love and Light my friends, Namaste.

I


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It is not…

Whatever it was… it is not. 


I’m hovering between panic attacks currently. I’m mostly okay with that, but mostly just not. Only in the last 10 years or so have I been having them, for a while they stayed dormant. I liked that stage. The quiet of not having to pay close attention to or watch my every word. 

They’ve been intermittent for the past two years, me mainly ignoring them and the issues that come along with them. I’ve been somewhat forced to start dealing with them since December, mostly because they started a pattern. I don’t like patterns when it comes to those types of things. 


In January I made a conscious outloud decision to deal with the panic attacks and the real reason behind them. It wasn’t a light decision. I started out with just saying I was going to seek out and find an affordable counselor. That was handled by me finding SafePlace. I’m glad I started there, though the journey since has been incredibly intense and annoying and interesting. I am happy that was my first step. 

My next verbal step was 30 days of yoga and meditation. I know it doesn’t sound like much, but let me tell you… those 30 days were long, intense, educational, life altering, interesting most days just downright comical. I only say that because how else does one laugh off their own fears and insecurities?!


I believe by day 10, I was FOR ABSOLUTELY SURE that I had lost all of the marbles I had in my head. Some days I still wonder if I got any of them back. I can’t explain to you what sitting still is like. But give it a try. Sit with yourself, no distractions, no music, no phones, nothing. Just sit for 5 minutes everyday for one week all by yourself, with nobody but you and your thoughts. If you keep an open mind you can learn so much about yourself. Yoga is similar in that way as well. I’ve been told the poses that are the hardest for you tell a lot about you and how you deal with things when life gets hard. I can atest to that 100%. There are some poses I refuse to do, just because I know what my reaction will be and I am not ready to deal with it or myself. Yoga is an extension of meditation. Another way to quiet the mind if done fully and correctly. Let’s just say I’ve had several panic attacks and crying on my mat… in a studio setting… not my cup of tea, but I was caught off guard and so there I sat paralyzed to my spot fighting through the emotions that came up. When I’m off, I try not to go to a studio. I don’t like dealing with my intense emotions out in public. You know being all vulnerable and shit…

Here’s my biggest fears when it comes to the panic attacks I have… my biggest fears are not being able to function as an adult, as a parent, as a spouse, as anything that has to deal with the many hats I wear. I fear not being able to drive myself where I need to go, I fear not being able to control the attacks, I fear being placed on a meditation to help. I fear having panic attacks on a consistent basis like I’ve been having over the last week. My biggest fear with that also, that I am not given a warning sign anymore when they will start. They just start. I have come to realize that is not okay.

I had several panic attacks in session today, thought I was good to go by the end of session. Got in my car to drive home, ended up having to sit in my car for almost two hours until I was okay enough to get home. That alone freaked me out and I panicked even more. Let me tell you, being gripped by fear sucks ass. 


Having my life controlled (sometimes) by fear is not okay to be. It leaves me frustrated and angry. And with the overall feeling of this isn’t FAIR! Why, why, why, why…?! You know all of the WHY questions victims and survivors have. I won’t name them. 

I was asked what would it be like to really sit with that frustration and express it in any form that my body needed to. 

I.Refused.

I suppressed it, it felt horrible pushing it back down, stuffing it in a box on a high shelf. I didn’t close the door on it, I wanted to so bad. But I couldn’t. But I did refuse to express it. I let a handful of tears fall down my face, I took some deliberate deep breaths and I gathered myself all the way together. That my friends is not how to handle the situation. Don’t do what I did. Maybe next time I will scream, kick, thrash about and cry. Or maybe just maybe, I might hold my composure, let a few tears fall and suck it up. Because friends, that’s been my life. No time, space or energy to be sad and angry and upset. I always had to find a way to make it work, otherwise my struggle thus far was for not.

I’m hoping I will one day be able to feel safe enough to just express what I’m feeling. For now, I will sit with my panic attacks, sip my mason jar full of wine (because, you know a way to numb the pain away) and take pretty pictures.


That I am good at… 

whatever it is… it is not.