Simply

Just another manic Monday


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Hello from here!

Hello! I feel likes it been forever since I’ve written anything. I’ve wanted to. I have a ton of stories stored on my iPad, iPhone, and Mac…. but it just didn’t seem like the time to hit send on those.

Y’all, I feel like I’m finally seeing a little light. Life has been busy, stressful and full. So much has been going on, maybe I’ll have the energy and gumption to write about it soon. For now I just wanted to say hi!

I’ve been navigating through some serious depressive moods and also trying to stay a functioning adult with children. Most days that works, the there are the other days. Currently I’m on the climb up out of that deep valley, the hardest part is trying to catch up. While down in the valley of depression things get put aside, people get put to the side and I just focus on making it through each day. Well, I’ve done that. But now I need to now pick up the pieces, people and things I’ve put aside. And I feel like I’m just overwhelmed. I’m trying not to let that consume me. But, sometimes I feel like a complete failure. I know eventually I will get over that, that I will catch back up, and life will continue on. But right. Ow all I can see is the things I am supposed to be doing and haven’t. The deadlines I’ve missed, and the people I’ve probably pissed off or made to feel like I’m blowing them off. Then I start to get into my feelings and wonder why people don’t do the same for me as I do for them.

Anyways, I’m beyond exhausted and can’t believe I’m actually awake to write this. While also fighting a massive headache. So for. Ow, just k ow I’m still here trucking along. Tired, in and out of valleys, but still focusing on only the next moment. I’m going to end this with, this is all I got for now. My headache is getting worse. But, I will be back soon!

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What I know…

I know that these last few months have been some of the most trying, full and enjoyable experiences of my life. Maybe it has something to do with how I’m viewing myself through this process. 

In November I thought the world would be better without me, or at least my pain and agony would cease to exist. What I know from that is, it would end for me but continue on through the people I would leave behind. During those dark moments you can’t see that. All you see is that you are alone, you are less than and that you are in pain and you would do ANYTHING to stop that pain. 

In December, I made the conscious decision to tell someone what was going on in my head. And what I mean is that I not only told my counselor, I talked with my doctor, I talked with my husband, I talked with my kiddos Godmom. I told friends and I put it on my blog. I asked for help and THAT was the single most hardest decision I have ever made. Things like that thrive in secrecy. I’m so glad I choose to reach out. I can’t say I loved the process. Because let’s be honest, I am an independent soul and I felt like I was being told to tell people my every move. I had weekly, sometimes daily check-ins. I had to give up things that made me feel safe but could also harm me. What I can say is there is power in support, positive thinking, and prayer. Thank you! 

In February I welcomed a baby niece and a few short weeks later I was given another niece. I love them as much as if they were my own.

One half of JZ

The other half of JZ

 JZ are absolutely perfect in every way. My heart was full. But… it also bought up that little thing that likes to pop up every now and then. Wanting another baby of my own. I know, I know. I joke a lot about not wanting to be pregnant again or going through labor again or even sleepless nights. But joking is also my coping mechanism. The urge to want to have a baby didn’t come around until after we had to give up the twins and their brother. In my heart I know what we did was best for us. Three was a LOT of work, at times I was overwhelmed. But it opened up in me the reminder that I couldn’t have another one of my own. The thought of going through what I did with Marie’s birth seriously gives me heart palpitations and anxiety. We almost lost her, I’m not sure I wouldn’t have that fear and stress in the back of my mind the whole pregnancy. And so because that was so traumatic, shortly after she was born I asked Ike to get a vasectomy. And he did. At the time it was the best decision and to be honest, I feel like it is still the best decision. But it doesn’t change the fact that my body aches to have a baby to carry and love and nurse. I’m slowly figuring out how to navigate those mindfields. For now I do it by getting some much needed snuggles from my beautiful baby nieces. I might or might not spoil them, but I can’t confirm that. I do want to add, we’ve had (Ike and I) that conversation. And we both agree that unless it’s meant to be (as in I get pregnant), we will not be taking in any infants or toddlers through foster care. Even though on occasion I ask him if he is absolutely positively for sure… What I know is that I can hold the sorrow of not having my own AND the joy of being an auntie twice over all together and still be happy. That is truly amazing to me. I’m learning and growing daily!

March came and went so fast, I’m still trying to figure out where it went. But what I do know is that I Love my husband more today than I did yesterday, or even ten years ago. And I say that because we just celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary. 

Happy 10th Anniversary


It was truly magical and everything we wanted. To be surrounded by friends and family. To have the same feel as our wedding and to be enjoyed by all. I’ll share pictures and more about that later. I also know that if I hadn’t learned even a little about making MYSELF happy, no one else would be able to. And so to be at this point is huge for me. We were close to being divorced on a couple of different occasions. The thing that helped us was taking each moment, hour, day, week, month at a time. 

April has been a time of slowin down, enjoying the quiet moments and spending time with family and friends. We celebrated the 5th birthday of our extra baby. 

Celebrating with classmates


Watching her be loved on and celebrated was absolutely adorable and so amazing. To see the pure look of joy and excitement in receiving was something I will cherish forever. To have something that is hers, and hers alone made her so incredibly happy. Im happy we got to see and experience that. What a gift! 

April has also been a full month, the group I was in has been cancelled because by the end I was the only one showing up. So I have to find and get comfortable in another group. I have a story about that too. Lol! We will be leaving next month on a six week roadtrip, yes I said six whole weeks! I am beyond excited. This trip will be epic. 

This is us filling out passport paperwork


It will include Canada, and the East Coast. With lots of time with friends and family along the way. Which leads me to add that our oldest daughter will be joining us in week two and stay with us through the end. I am excited for Ike and the kiddos. They get to spend some much wanted and needed time with an older sibling they didn’t get to grow up with. And I am lucky enough I get to watch all of it happen! 

For now that’s all I have, maybe I’ll finish those other stories and schedule them to post over the next few days. 

Namaste my Friends!

I

Kind of silent share

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So we have a lot going on, I have a lot to catch you up on. But I feel bad that this site has kind of fallen to the side. I swear, it’s coming back! I love to post pictures with my commentary and for some reason I don’t have enough space to do that. Lol! So I’m working on updating and getting my other site up and running. I’ve actually had it for a few years now, just had it connected to this one. Because…. too much work. More on that later, for now. Enjoy this adorable photo of D-boy and mKK watching the girls play soccer this past weekend. 
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Happy Thursday Folks! Iiona


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4H photography project

So I’m almost positive I’ve never said this here. But Mouse is in 4H. We had her join when she started talking about wanting to be a veterinarian. They have a program called Veterinarian Assistant. And once you are done you are a licensed veterinarian assistant. Perfect, right?! Anyways, since joining Mouse has tried on several different occasions to talk me into letting her get a puppy, a dog, maybe even a goat. My resounding answer is always a NO, I only take care of humans…

Well anyways, on Sunday that will no longer be true. And by that I mean. On Sunday we will be given a dozen fertilized eggs and we will help them hatch. We will be given an incubator and the instructions. I mean, it can’t be THAT hard can it…?!  Once they are hatched, because we live in an area with an HOA, they will go to another home. Our HOA doesn’t allow for chickens… Insert smiley face here 🙂

In the mean time, Mouse is considering entering some photos into a photography contest with the 4H photography project. I think its the Houston one, but I would be lying if I told you I knew for certain. I get the emails, scan them and place them in a folder marked 4H. Its too overwhelming to read anymore into it unless I know for sure I need to know that information.

Anyways, I will post a few of her out takes from the photo session with a friends chickens. We went over and snapped some pictures and we will go to the local farm type place up the road and ask if we can come take pictures of their horses, cattle and goats.

Anyways, enjoy the photos Mouse took!

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I’m on a camera kick lately

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So I’ve been on a camera kick lately. As in wanting to take tons of photos but not wanting to do anything with them. I just wanna play with my cameras. Is that too much to ask, lol!

So, I have a Nikon D5000 and absolutely LOVE it! But I feel I’ve outgrown it. Mainly I want some new glass (lens) and a new camera and I can only afford one or the other. Because I also need a new laptop & like most laptop snobs I only use MAC. It has all I need for photography and when I figure it out videography as well. I also want super awesome programs but they all cost an arm, one a leg as well.

So I’m stuck in this space of wanting new equipment and not being able to justify buying it. I thought we would have walls covered in photos. But it takes time and money to be able to print and hang the photos I want. As in I want poster size photos printed on canvas… Le sigh, the struggle of a mom-tographer!

So to kind of combat my want I got a lens for my iPhone… Hahaha! I can already hear the smart remarks about that. But seriously check out the photos I took with my new iPhone lens, they are amazing and awesome and cool! Lol!

I’ve also been taking pictures of the kiddos at their events (sports, dance, meets, competitions, etc) and out of the 500 photos I’ve taken about 20 of them are in focus and look good. So I need new glass to help with that. Which is also where’s want/need comes in. So I’ll save money, keep checking in on the price and the len and then eventually buy. I wanted one for Miss Marie’s state meet in Denton on November 8th but I’m not sure that’s going to happen. Unless of course I find a donar or I run into a whole bunch of money, lol!

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Anyways, enjoy your Sunday! We will be headed out soon for the kiddos to get their pictures taken at Picture People and maybe catch a family movie. Sometimes it’s fun to be baby-less on the weekends 🙂