I dislike counseling. I have almost no issue with group therapy, but just me and the therapist… Yeah, not my cup of tea. I like group because I can melt off into the background almost unseen if I so choose.
With just me and the counselor, I can’t hide behind the curtain. I feel so incredibly bare and naked. It’s a strange feeling. I can’t answer questions coherently. I say I don’t know more times then I care to admit, I blurt out things that I don’t want her to know. My mind goes blank, I forget the question I’m answering. Or what I’m saying. My face gets hot, my hands have to find a spot otherwise they don’t stop moving. And when I stop talking, so does she… The space gets loud and every sound is intensified.
I know that trick, I’ve used it. But it’s not a trick, it’s just honoring the space I need to answer the question. And the blank stares are given back to me. Ahhhhhh! I’m like a babbling hot ass mess that can’t think because I’m trying not to get lost in the memories…
I was asked to set an intention for my week regarding self-care. I said its to remember to breath. When things get tough and I can’t see which way is up, I lose track of breathing. It’s kind of funny, or maybe not. But breathing is an automatic thing, until you are hurting, sad, angry, etc…
My breath catches in my chest, each breath is short and shallow. Almost hyperventilating in a way. I’m going to be intentional in taking deep breathes and allowing. It’s hard and tiring and all I want to do is sleep it away. But my three children and husband tell me that I can’t do that. And so I just be in the knowledge that I’m alive and though I would much rather tune the world out and just sleep.
I’m going to at least make it to bedtime. I have a feeling it’s going to be a long night. I’m hoping to keep insomnia at bay, but she keeps poking her ugly head up.
I turn over and open my eyes. I find you already awake watching me sleep. Sometimes that is too much for me, I might give out more information about myself while I’m sleeping then when I’m awake. I mean my guards are down and I’m completely at ease. I can’t control the situation.
I think that’s my problem, the loss in control. I need to feel as if I’m in control at all times, when that control slips I slip. But let’s be honest, the only thing I can control is my body. And sometimes I can’t even control that. It’s not a bad thing, it’s just a thing.
And so I bring my focus back to the moment and stretch, that gives me a moment and then I say Good Morning! Your focus never wavers from my face, I can feel it burning a hole. My brain goes into over drive trying to remember the dream I was just having, making sure I didn’t sleep talk. Because for some reason I feel like I could be in trouble.
Turns out that’s not the issue, as a matter of fact. The issue is you just want to have some one on one time with me before our children wake. Normally, I would kindly remind you I am not a morning lover. And list our children as the reason for that. But today, today I breathe…
And after I’ve caught my breath again, we start our day. Sometimes, taking a breath before answering the question that’s been asked can and does net a different answer.
I know this doesn’t sound like a love letter… But it is, it’s my kind of love letter.
A spirit of creativity has inspired me to write, and write. I feel as I fight myself to stay above water, I need to document it. I feel the strong urge to write and to express myself and then to come back to it later and say… OH! That’s what all of that meant!
I have this issue lately with wanting to interact with people, or should I say not wanting to interact with people. Lately I am more content with communicating through text and emails then to communicate person to person or over the phone. Both of those forms of communication require energy, forms of energy I don’t think I can expend without depleting my own energy.
I am no stranger to calling people, writing a heartfelt letter to someone, popping up at someones house and just saying, “LOOK, I feel I needed to talk with you and so this seemed like the best way to get you to be present with me!” But here I am dodging and skirting that one thing I cherish in relationships. I try to be the one to remember the small things and say something about it. But dayum if I’m not struggling with relationships now. Not just outside relationships but those close and dear to me and my heart. Lets just say my patience level at home is quite short and precisely to the point.
Those times I have no choice but to interact with others, I do it with great care. I meditate before leaving the house, normally I would burn some sage. But I’m fresh out and I’m feeling like I need to get to the store like yesterday to replenish my stash, LOL! I tend to be extremely tired and out of all energy by time I make it home from functions that require my interaction.
For people who have called, I have hovered over the button that asks if i want to send them to my voicemail a second too long. But I reason with myself that I haven’t talked to them in a while and I owe it to them to chat at least for a little bit. Sometimes the conversation turns out to be just fine, I feel energized by the end. But then there are other times when I knew dayum well I should not have answered the phone when it rang, my WHOLE body said walk away right now and don’t turn around. And me being me, didn’t listen. I’m pretty hardheaded that way sometimes. But, the little person in my head was like thats such and such, answer that BIATCH. Whats the worst that could happen?
Anyways, I’ve been asked in the last few days to set up a phone date. Or a date to hang out over breakfast, or call me when you get a chance, or a hey boo! I miss you call me. I listen to those messages with my head held low, completely stuck on wanting to interact but needing to keep my energy all to myself. All while thinking I’m not the friend/sister/etc you thought I was today. Today, I am just in need of some self-care. Today, I am in need of a small corner in the back of the room. Where no one notices me, no one calls on me to answer any questions, and no one asks me to be a friend, a sister, a wife, a mother, a resource. So today, today I will brew a big pot of coffee, get all of the chocolate in my kiddos halloween stash (that’s huge, LOL!) and sit in a corner and write, and write all while trying to tell myself that I need to avoid the phone like the plague. But feeling the extreme tug to call, text, email, phone and just plain drop by someone’s/anyone’s home. I am feeling the need to have human contact, but refusing to want to deal with the things that come along with that interaction.
Today as I stand in my truth, I realize the urge to have a cigarette is strong. The urge is so strong, I had to reason with my ever smart self that it does not in fact, help any situation. Even though I FEEL like just a puff will answer all of life’s questions. My urge is also so strong that I feel I need to locate my place of solace here in the Austin area. I had one like that in Madison, I miss it! This spot allowed me to see everything and still be hidden, it had the most amazing views that I can remember.
Today, this reminds me of the time I was on a hill overlooking Madison in early the 2000’s with a group of elementary/high school friends and as we walked back to the car from a night of fun. Someone asked, “What do you fear most?” It was one of the most innocent questions, but one that had everyone falling silent and looking inward. One friend instantly said, “I’m afraid of not being loved, like truly loved!” Another one said, “That I won’t be accepted for who I am.” And I said, “That I will become a product of the environment I was raised in?” A few more chimed in, but the overall sentiment between our group of unusual friends was that we all were worried about what life could look like if we didn’t figure out what life was about. We all wanted to be loved 100%, we all wanted to be accepted. Because for one reason or another, we were all rejected by someone for spme reason. One that at the time we couldn’t figure out why, I’m not saying I’ve figured it out quite yet. But I’m working on learning to accept myself 100% and once I accept myself others will be able to accept me.
My truth today is I am in search of self love and self acceptance, I’ve spoken the words that I love who I am but I haven’t whole-heartedly believed it. So today, I work on loving myself, every imperfection, every mole, every roll, every stretch mark. Because if I can’t love myself, no one else will be able to love me. And this is what I want to teach my children… Self-Love!
Simply 