My mind is racing all over the place, I am so annoyed and upset and tired and sad all at the same time. I know I need to ground myself, I need to meditate, I need to pause in the loudness of this life I have chosen to live. But sometimes all I can do is run on auto pilot… I don’t like auto pilot, I like to be present to be there and enjoying the moments I am involved in instead of distracted or half way there in the moment. Sometimes its hard, sometimes its easier. It doesn’t help when I feel like I’m all over the place and can’t figure out a way to quiet it all down.
My head doesn’t hurt like I need a tylenol it just hurts from all of the information zooming along in this brain of mines. I am thinking of wanting a break and just walking away for a solid 24 hours, get a room in a hotel and just refresh. But what does that solve, I’d be refreshed but I’d still have to deal with life when I returned. I’m not in the mood to want to deal with it. It’s tiring and there isn’t anything else I can do to fix it right now.
Like all of a sudden I am drained of all energy. I’ve been trying to raise it over the past few days, but it’s just not working. I’m not sure why my energy levels are so down and low, but I do know it is taking a toll on me and I’m sinking/drowning with no one to talk to. Amazing how I can be there for everyone but everyone seems to disappear when you need them. In a room as silent as a church mouse all I hear is noise, all I hear is the loudness of my brain screaming to get out and find solace in some quiet.
I don’t like feeling like I”m the only one in a room full of 500 people. But that’s how I’ve been feeling lately. Distracted, not focused, no desire to fix it, no energy to figure out why. Just tired. I know this is a spell, I know this will move on in a day or two. But for now I will just sit in it, feel it, be it and in a day or two it will pass and I will be me again. I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. They sag underneath the pressure. I feel like I am slowly falling, I can’t move quick enough to catch myself. TIREd…
I want to lie down, read a comforting book that I can get completely lost in. But everyone else will keep knocking on the door begging to come in. Sometimes I stand and watch the people in my house as they sleep, imagining what it must be like for them. Do they notice my change, do they care, does it affect them. What thoughts do they have about me, am I making the right choices, dod I do it right, was I too harsh, was I too sarcastic. Do I even care? I’m literally sitting here thinking, I’m too tired to even figure out my password to even post this story. So this might just be my story for the night.
Sunsets are amazing, they say the day is done. I’ve done my job and now I can rest, until tomorrow my friends. I am bidding goodnight to the sunset of this 20th day of October.