Today has been an experience for the books.
I dislike counseling. I have almost no issue with group therapy, but just me and the therapist… Yeah, not my cup of tea. I like group because I can melt off into the background almost unseen if I so choose.
With just me and the counselor, I can’t hide behind the curtain. I feel so incredibly bare and naked. It’s a strange feeling. I can’t answer questions coherently. I say I don’t know more times then I care to admit, I blurt out things that I don’t want her to know. My mind goes blank, I forget the question I’m answering. Or what I’m saying. My face gets hot, my hands have to find a spot otherwise they don’t stop moving. And when I stop talking, so does she… The space gets loud and every sound is intensified.
I know that trick, I’ve used it. But it’s not a trick, it’s just honoring the space I need to answer the question. And the blank stares are given back to me. Ahhhhhh! I’m like a babbling hot ass mess that can’t think because I’m trying not to get lost in the memories…
I was asked to set an intention for my week regarding self-care. I said its to remember to breath. When things get tough and I can’t see which way is up, I lose track of breathing. It’s kind of funny, or maybe not. But breathing is an automatic thing, until you are hurting, sad, angry, etc…
My breath catches in my chest, each breath is short and shallow. Almost hyperventilating in a way. I’m going to be intentional in taking deep breathes and allowing. It’s hard and tiring and all I want to do is sleep it away. But my three children and husband tell me that I can’t do that. And so I just be in the knowledge that I’m alive and though I would much rather tune the world out and just sleep.
I’m going to at least make it to bedtime. I have a feeling it’s going to be a long night. I’m hoping to keep insomnia at bay, but she keeps poking her ugly head up.
Until later my friends… Love and Light!