It’s been so long since I’ve sat down and written a story for my blog. I’ve been writing and writing, just nothing that I am willing to share quite yet. It’s been a rather interesting month and a half.
I successfully (but with major scars) made it through the month of November. I spent the first part of my birthday taking photos for a wedding. It was small, quaint and full of love and support. I feel truly blessed that I was able to be there to capture it for them. I’ve seen majority of the pictures and can’t wait to edit them.
Thanksgiving was a conundrum. Because our littlest one had the most insane skin flare up ever. And so there was a moment that we thought she would need to get admitted to the hospital because of how bad it was. Not only that but that morning I woke up happy and excited and by the end of the day I was fighting off triggers and depressed feelings. It got pretty scary.
I try to be an open book when it comes to my journey but in reality sometimes I’m just not because it’s easier to keep it bottled up. But for the remainder of that week and for at least a week to follow I fought hard feelings of committing suicide. I have had flashbacks, and smells and sights. But I’ve never had a trigger as strong as I did, where I was so completely lost and confused on where I was in time. The only thing that kept reminding me where I was were my kiddos and my favorite calming song, Sitting on the Doc of the Bay…
Because the trigger was so strong, the side effects have lasted for weeks. I’m tired emotionally, physically and mentally. I feel like I am on alert at all times, but also like I am trying to forge out calm. It is such a weird place to be in. Of course my sleeping and waking stages are off, and that alone is driving me crazy. I finally realized it was time to call my PCP for some type of medication when I had serious thoughts of voluntarily committing myself to an inpatient hospital so that I could not hurt myself.
I’ve officially been on medication for a week, I don’t like any of it. It makes me tired, which I guess is good because my sleep was lacking. But now I’m so tired I just crash every night. I haven’t remembered one dream over the last week. Last night I forgot to take my medication and I woke up this morning and had a small memory of my dreams. But what I noticed the most was underneath it all, underneath the medication, the sleep, the tiredness, etc… I am just incredibly sad and exhausted. I’m managing my days well mostly. My energy is low, so I’m trying to work on that. Initially I tried with caffeine. That doesn’t do anything. So I’ve been doing it with food. Not unhealthy food, which is a good start. I have been eating almonds, carrots, snap peas, salads, etc. I would enjoy some grapes but they are a hit or a miss because they aren’t technically in season.
I have been in communication with my counselor, so she knows. She is sweet, she has built in a weekly check-in between our visits. I understand why she did it… But doesn’t mean that I like it. LOL! She also highly suggested that I voluntarily hand my weapons over to someone that will put them away and not tell me where. I just want to say I feel completely naked without my knife. That has been my comfort for knowing that I can protect myself if I needed to. But I guess something that protects can also cause harm. And so I am slowly learning how it feels to be naked and vulnerable without my protection. As of now my mindset is, “It is what it is…” and all of these people are truly annoying me. Like enough to make me say something but not enough to be rude or disrespectful. Because I am trusting that they have my best interest at heart.
Anyways, today is another ‘slow’ morning. I’ve been cleaning to clear my mind, lol! I hate cleaning. Or more like I dislike cleaning with a passion. I’ve been making small check off lists and crossing things off. It feels good to be able to do that. It’s the small victories. I got up and brushed my teeth. I ate some food. I helped our elves make muffins for the kiddos. I got five kiddos off to school with little fanfare. And now I’m planning to go get a few more things for our elves so they can do more fun things this weekend. I’ve been slacking on that end and the girls miss it tons.
I think the weirdest part of this whole experience over the last week is we took in an emergency respite placement of two kiddos. They are older than what we are used to and they are older than what we would ever want in our home. The girl is 11 and the boy is 12. Having the girl in the house is like looking in a mirror. She has been through a lot and has experienced even more. I can see that she is a fighter, but I can also see where she is just plain tired and exhausted. Since being in our house she has slept longer and seems a little more chill. But this is also the honeymoon period. It’s only through next week, but Ike and I have been talking about whether we want it to be more long term. We can see their potential, but we are not oblivious to the amount of work it will be to help them reach it. If not with us, we truly hope they are reunited with their momma. They both seem to want to go back, but they haven’t been with her in such a long time that I’m not sure the girl is entirely sure anymore.
I am asking for prayers, for myself, for the two kiddos we have in our home and of course for my own children and my other half. There is a lot going on, somethings are known and some things not everyone knows. Eventually I think everyone will be caught up to speed. But for now slow and steady is also my mantra.
Love and Light my friends, Namaste.