Simply

Just another manic Monday


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When I start to pace…

***I wrote this on December 11th, 2016. I’m going to post it as is, I won’t add to it.***

I keep pacing the floors of our house, repeating the same thing over and over and over again. I’m anxious, unfocused and can’t sit still. I’ve looked in our fridge over 10 times in the last 20 minutes. The contents don’t change, they stay the same. But my mind tells me that I haven’t done that yet and so I remember I’ve looked in the fridge as I’m standing looking into the fridge. 

Most times when I get like that I force myself to sit down and do mindless tasks. But even that seems like too much. I’ve closed and reopened the same app at least 20 times in the last 10 minutes. And now here I am going through my blog, reading old posts and remembering what was happening to me at this time last year or even the year before. 

I think I’ve done the November blog post a day the last couple of years. I signed up for it this year and because of where I was mentally and physically I just opted not to write on the blog. I spent countless hours writing but saving it on my phone, uploading it or writing it with pen and paper. It’s always interesting when I’m done writing to see how many pages of paper I’ve filled.


The last one I did was 19 pages front and back. It was me writing out how the last session with my counselor would go, what my responses would be and what I wanted to talk about. I can laugh about that now… it never goes as planned, as the way I have it written down and hoped it would go. 

When I got to my session, I looked at her and literally pulled out my stack of 19 pages and said this is the conversation I had with you last night. It went great and I think we figured out a lot… but things never go as planned do they?! And then we chuckled, me more because I was irritated that I was about to cry and I felt so incredibly bare. I.Love.Control. Anyway I can have it I take it. Especially when it comes to matters of the heart, of my past and the such. I need to be able to control that part of me. And she (meaning me) just doesn’t like to listen to reason. So I end up feeling small and alone and vulnerable. I don’t like that. 

Anyway…
Namaste my friends,

I


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Control?!

Is there such a thing? Can one truly be in control of their lives? I mean you can control a situation, as long as there aren’t any outliers like another person involved, an addiction, unforeseen actions, etc… But can you truly control every part of your life?  

 More days then not lately I’ve been feeling like I’m being manipulated. Like I have no Free Will to do what I want without the backlash of the consequences. 

For instance… I have anxiety attacks on occasion. They can be very intense and leave me feeling completely drained and without energy to do much other then sleep. I have no control over them except to put on my big girl panties and to either, take medication, start counseling or a combination of both. Here’s the thing, I can’t say no Bueno and forget about it because it’s always there, in the back of my mind. Waiting patiently in the wings for just the right moment to fuck up all control I THOUGHT I had over a situation or event. 
It leaves one to feel as if they are being manipulated to do something they don’t want to do at a pace they aren’t ready to endure. But then that stupid little voice in the back of your head, you know which one I’m referring to. Kindly reminds you that in deed you are controlling everything that is happening to you because you asked for help to move forward and leave the past where it lay.

So here you are, upset and feeling out of control stick moving forward. I try to procrastinate on doing certain things to move forward but then I’m reminded this is the best course of action for what you are wanting to do. 

So with that in mind, I see an optometrist tomorrow for my eyes… Le sigh! I have the names & numbers of a couple of chiropractors and a massage therapist (my scoliosis has been kicking my ass lately). I also have the times and dates of a couple group therapies for survivors of SA (though I’m trying to find a way to talk myself out of going to the next mtg) & I will be seeing a dr soon because I don’t like them and I need to 😑…

So here is to control, manipulation and a false sense of free will.