Simply

Just another manic Monday


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What makes you tick? 

Behind the camera is my dristy, my dock, my sweet spot, what keeps me calm in the face of storms. 

What’s yours?! Have you found it? Have you tried?

Take a moment and BE with you, 100% present with your true self. What are you afraid to look at, see, hear, face? 

Don’t crack a joke to ease the tension. To get away from the reason you’re having a hard time sitting with yourself. 

Stop trying to find excuses, just stop all of it and sit with you. 

In this moment…

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Life is Interesting.

My heart is ready for love and to be loved… Leela James

It’s so interesting… Yesterday during counseling I realized something. It sucked and it hurt and I wasn’t entirely sure what to do with what I had learned. 

And so I kept it to myself, I didn’t tell my counselor, my husband or even my friend. It hurt too much to even acknowledge it. It cut through to the essence of why I am where I am. But I was trying so hard not to take it in and believe the stories that I spun about it. 

If you haven’t realized I’m an excellent story teller. I’m a freaking skilled master at that shit. It sucks, because the stories that I’m telling don’t feel like they should even be true. But I feel like they are 100% all of who I am. 

Anyways, before I venture down a path I can’t see myself coming back from. 

I went to group tonight. I love every single one of those ladies. I wish I could package them up and carry them around in my pocket all day. They are so helpful and they remind me that I am not alone. 

That even though I’ve been crying and super emotional lately, it’s ok. I have that right and I should use it all. Because dammit, they’re my feelings and I can cry if want to. Doesn’t mean I want to cry, lol!

It was nice to know I wasn’t the only emotional wreck so far this week. It helped to have one of the women say, I’m so happy I’m not the only one doing something that gives me panic attacks. And we laughed together, because only someone whose been through it can understand. She hates group, I can deal with it. I hate individual counseling and she loves it, lol! Go freaking figure!

  

Anyways, this picture is my interpretation of my intention for the week… To breathe…

To be fully present with the things I’m going through and dealing with. I noticed myself not breathing so well today during group. Someone was recounting their history and it resonated and it caught my breath. 

This was supposed to be short and sweet & here I am 50-11 words later. I’m tired and going to bed!

Thanks for reading… Love and Light my friend! 


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11/11

I can’t believe it is day 11, I have only missed two days blogging and one day of posting a photo. So I posted an extra one on instagram, because that is where all of my photos are being posted for the month of November. It’s so weird, because normally I post pictures with my stories. But, because I’m trying something different this month I am not posting pictures here. I’ve been fighting with myself on wanting to post pictures and remembering why I started the month out with no pictures. It was my safety net, my way of saying look at the great pictures I took and while you’re here read what I’m writing too. It was my way of hiding behind something, and so this month I can’t because there aren’t any pretty things to distract you or me (That was deep, LOL!).

So last night I let my body do the talking and I just went to sleep, I refused to try and fight it. When Ike went to bed, I went shortly after. Granted I was up a tad late doing someones head of hairs (Mini Mouse). Anyways, this afternoon I was going to run out and get an errand done in the hour or so I had before the girls needed to be picked up from school. And as I was rushing out of the door with everything to complete my errand in that time frame (the twins and Big boy R were napping, perfect time RIGHT?!) I heard a voice in my head say, “Slow DOWN!” And literally I stopped in my tracks, took a mental note of my body and realized I was tired. I don’t mean the oh, let me prop my feet up with a good book and some tea/coffee. No I mean the kind where I knew I would be fighting sleep as I drove to my destination and back. So I put everything down right where I stood, grabbed my phone and set an alarm, grabbed a pillow and a blanket and laid on the floor. For an instant I even considered turning on the boob tube, but that little voice in my head said, “You are TIRED!”

So I turned over, closed my eyes and woke up to my phone going off with a second missed phone call. I was so disoriented and picked up my phone and seen it was someone from the girls school. That was also the time we realized the girls hadn’t gotten off of the bus, lol! In that dream like state of delirium I called the number back and she said, “HELLO! Did you forget something or two somethings?” And as I chuckled lightly she said, “Oh, you fell asleep didn’t you?” I couldn’t fake it anymore, yes I had fallen asleep, cut off my alarm at some point and just woke up. I’m on my way! Two things about this situation, the person on the other end of the phone was another PTA momma. So she had no problem calling and telling me to get my tush up there to get my girlpies and their cookies I had ordered forever ago. Two, when I made it up to the school (good thing we only live like 2 minutes away). The girls looked at me and said, “MOM! Really, you forgot to come and get the cookies and us.” They really are a hoot sometimes.

Sometimes, it is a good idea to listen to your body and what it is telling you. Like as of late, my body has been telling me I need to go back to my semi-vegetarian life style. I miss the clean, none groggy feeling of eating nothing but fruits and veggies and a few light meats. I feel like I’m bogged down with heavy foods, not to mention just heavy processed foods.

The other thing I am dealing with is my inability to say yes to having a life coach. It’s scary, I don’t even know why. I have the perfect opportunity to get one. I actually admire this lady and all the things she has been doing and does, I think she would be a perfect fit. She would cut through my bullshit, which she kind of did already and make me face the music. I’m just not sure how ready I am. Like her words were so direct and not here for me and my shit, I had to take a step back. My ego instantly stepped in and started trying to take over. I’ve been trying to curb that thing lately, today it was checked. Tomorrow she will be put aside and I will face this head on. It’s still scary though. Like my belly has butterflies just thinking about it. So tonight I won’t think I will just let everything she has said soak in and then tomorrow I will respond with not thought attached. If I think, I give ego a chance to step in again and say that I don’t need to do it. So here’s to taking the first step in faith by leaping over a gourd the size of the Grand Canyon. And doing some serious self-care, because I matter as much as my babies and my other half.

I believe I can… That’s my mantra for the next few days. Believing in yourself is half the battle, or at least it is in my book. Plus affirmative thinking tells me that I see myself doing this life coaching sessions with her. I see myself succeeding far beyond anything I could imagine, and being inspired and uplifted all at the same DAYUM Time!

So tell me, what does your fears or scary things look like for you? What are some ways that you do self-care?

NaBloPoMo November 2015