Seconds turn into minutes…

Seconds turn into minutes turn into hours and time continues on… tonight it continues on as I lay awake trying to figure out what is holding me hostage. 

My body is gripped with tension and anxiety and uncertainty. 

I’m unwillingly being dragged along in the wave of emotions that keep crashing against the shell of my mind. 

I’m not sure if I should cry, scream, laugh, throw up or just be. I’m feeling like I should do all of them at the same exact moment. And then once I’ve done that do it again but this time faster and full of gusto. 

My body is ignited with energy, but my brain is sluggish with exhaustion. Who will win this battle tonight? 

If I allow all of it, what happens once I reach the shore? Will I find myself standing on the beach front looking out into a vast sea of nothing and no one? Will I find myself smack in the middle of a party full of people and not seen nor heard?

It’s the unknown, my inability to control what is going to happen next. I want to be able to have a plan in place for the next steps, I’m a planner. I can’t plan how to handle a complete melt down if I don’t see it coming. I need to have a list of what each step looks like…

1. Find a counselor and talk

2. Cry on cue

3. Laugh to avoid the hurt

4. Remove touch

5. Skim the surface of that issue

6. Avoid the conversation by not answering the question

7. Push the easy button

8. Panic and fall apart

9. Stare at yourself in the mirror confused

10. Ask how did you end up HERE

11. Realize boxes are falling all around you

12. Sleep becomes elusive

13. Never ask for help

14. You’ve done it… You’re cured!

15. Realize that you’ve screwed yourself 

16. Commence to freak out AGAIN

I’m standing here… trying to ask for help but not sure where to go to get it. I know that sounds so incredibly crazy, I have a therapist. But… what do I say to her? What questions do I ask? What prescribed list of answers do I give her to the questions she asks? How do I navigate this minefield of boxes and bombs that threaten to go off at any turn. I feel so lost, tired, exhausted, unsure and uncertain. 

I feel so incredibly vulnerable and it is giving me panic attacks. I called, because the number is there. And had to leave a message… 

“Hi, this is Iiona…I don’t even know why I called, but I did. Feel free to call me back if you have a moment. Bye…” 

I hung up the phone and instantly regretted the need to have to call someone. And then I regretted placing the phone call and actually leaving the message. And then I regretted remembering all of the times I needed help or an ear to bend and I had no one there but myself and how it felt like I was in a room full of 1000 people and I was all alone. And then I regretted the thought that I even needed anyone to make it through, because… I’m 36 and I’ve survived this long alone. What’s another couple of minutes. 

The feelings will pass, the anxiety will subside, I will remember LOVE and life will be easy for a little…. Until the next box falls off of the shelf and I’m trying to figure out how to navigate all of the things that fell out of that box. 

Seconds turn into minutes turn into hours and time continues on… tonight it continues on as I lay awake trying to figure out what is holding me hostage. 
Goodnight!

Life is Interesting.

My heart is ready for love and to be loved… Leela James

It’s so interesting… Yesterday during counseling I realized something. It sucked and it hurt and I wasn’t entirely sure what to do with what I had learned. 

And so I kept it to myself, I didn’t tell my counselor, my husband or even my friend. It hurt too much to even acknowledge it. It cut through to the essence of why I am where I am. But I was trying so hard not to take it in and believe the stories that I spun about it. 

If you haven’t realized I’m an excellent story teller. I’m a freaking skilled master at that shit. It sucks, because the stories that I’m telling don’t feel like they should even be true. But I feel like they are 100% all of who I am. 

Anyways, before I venture down a path I can’t see myself coming back from. 

I went to group tonight. I love every single one of those ladies. I wish I could package them up and carry them around in my pocket all day. They are so helpful and they remind me that I am not alone. 

That even though I’ve been crying and super emotional lately, it’s ok. I have that right and I should use it all. Because dammit, they’re my feelings and I can cry if want to. Doesn’t mean I want to cry, lol!

It was nice to know I wasn’t the only emotional wreck so far this week. It helped to have one of the women say, I’m so happy I’m not the only one doing something that gives me panic attacks. And we laughed together, because only someone whose been through it can understand. She hates group, I can deal with it. I hate individual counseling and she loves it, lol! Go freaking figure!

  

Anyways, this picture is my interpretation of my intention for the week… To breathe…

To be fully present with the things I’m going through and dealing with. I noticed myself not breathing so well today during group. Someone was recounting their history and it resonated and it caught my breath. 

This was supposed to be short and sweet & here I am 50-11 words later. I’m tired and going to bed!

Thanks for reading… Love and Light my friend! 

And sometimes… It’s like.

And sometimes…

Depression is simply acknowledging the feelings you are experiencing at the moment. 

Every single one of them! And then figuring out what to do with them once you’ve looked at them for a few days.

It’s tiring, it takes all of you to be there. When all you want to do is run the other way. To find a dock along a bay somewhere and sit there to waste time.

  
Today, today I could muster enough strength to sit on the back patio, soak up some sun and stick my bare feet in the grass. It felt great. I felt level for once over the last few days.

Depression is encompassing, filling every single crevice of your body. Leaving you feeling anxious and unsettled. Pacing the floors of your house, feeling restless and not being able to focus. 

Wanting to sleep and remove the world but not being able to because the world keeps knocking at your door. Actually, banging! Refusing to walk away even when you don’t answer it.

Depression is a catch in your breath because you can feel the tears getting ready to fall but wanting to catch them because you’ve done enough crying to last a lifetime. 

But, tomorrow is a new day and the sky keeps wanting to be purple.

Love and Light…

Friendships

I’m literally laying in bed listening to the sounds of our house sleep. Wishing I was asleep as well, but being completely wide awake. The cruel cruel world of insomnia. I’m sure I will pay the price tomorrow. As for now, I sit and contemplate life. My life to be exact. I’m not sad, just in a stage of contemplation. Sometimes the things I analyze aren’t all that happy, but it takes getting through those things to reach the other side of happiness. If I can’t find happiness within myself, no one else will be able to offer that to me. I’m learning to be happy from within first.

Lately, my mind has been static on friendships. Those I have lost, those that are there and those that I perceive to be there. Friendships are tricky. They are or can be an emotional mind field. For instance, I had a friend who died while we were both in high school. I was devastated. I couldn’t comprehend why someone so special could die so young. For me, she made an even bigger impact on me. 

Another instance, I had a bestest best friend tell me I was too much for her and that she needed a break from me forever. We spent so much time together, she was my ying to her yang. Virtually inseparable. I was crushed. Life moved forward without me for awhile. Looking back at it, I was in the midst of a severe depression stage and I just needed someone to tell me I wasn’t crazy. It wasn’t her, I eventually got that answered and I slowly started treading water again. But it was never the same after that. 

She was the proverbial straw that broke the camels back. I still love her, she was a huge part of my survival into high school years. When we get together it’s as if no time has passed. I truly miss those types of friendships. It’s hard to come across those now. 

What I have realized is that because of that first deep hurt from my friend I don’t trust nor believe in those types of friendships anymore. I’m good at playing lip service, but let’s be honest. Your first instinct is to protect yourself from being hurt like that again. I have many layers, it took years to build them. They have worked. And then two people come along and start knocking cracks into the walls. And here I sit contemplating how to seal those cracks back up. Not because I don’t want true friendship, but because I no longer know what it means. My definition is so skewed I don’t know which way is up. I panic when people start to see the real me. Only I can see her, she is not for anyone else’s eyes. It throws me off my game, I’m forced to play it off or say take it or leave it. This is me. And typically people say leave it when faced with a choice. 

And so I build another wall, but this one thicker then the last. Until I don’t even recognize myself when she comes out to play. And so here I sit, learning to like my true self again. Learning to recognize her and what makes her tick.

Anyways, I’m going to force myself to go to bed before I reach my point of no return.  

 
And with that, I bid you goodnight!

Having a Moment…

Have you ever had one of those times where you thought you were having a moment, but it turns out to be more like an hour, a day, a week, a month, a year? Yeah me either, ha! Just kidding. I seriously thought I was just having a moment and that eventually that moment would move on and life would be all great again… Turns out I lied to myself… I’m having a couple of weeks, which I am positive will turn into a month. I mean after all it is November isn’t it?

Anyways, my head hurts, I’m having troubles sleeping… yet again and signs of something more to come. But I refuse to put it out there because that means I’m owning it, and I am not owning nothing right now except sleeplessness and a headache.

I am so looking forward to a year when November doesn’t send me into a months worth of moments, I mean really, I’m not even kidding! Maybe the issue is I haven’t dealt with the issues and so it keeps coming up every November. Or maybe I’m just thinking too much and it’s just a coincidence now.

This month of moments is draining and tiring. I’m praying I make it through in better spirits than I am in now. I pray that I just make it through period. This is the month where everyone starts talking about what they are Thankful for, and I am so thankful on so many levels. But thesis also the month (at least for me) when I just need a nice long distraction.

So I’m just going to put it out there… sorry if you get caught up in this moment I’m having. I will try my hardest to not let it effect my daily life, but no promises. And if I fall off the face of the earth, it’s cool, I will be back. Sometimes these moments require hibernation, a smoke and a drink. I’m going to go for hibernation vs the other things. Maybe I will stock up on some red vines to off set the smoking and the drinking urge that is taking over my brain right now…

So anyways, I’m going to go lay in the bed. Most likely wide awake but at least resting, and resting is a good thing as well…

Good Night all,

Me