**This was written on June 8th, 2016**
My therapist has this way of giving me homework after each session I go see her. Some of it intentional but mostly it just happens based on what we talk about during our time together.
One week she actually had me reading a chapter on triggers. I thought it would be easy as pie, I was wrong. So incredibly wrong I regretted even starting to read the chapter and so I stopped half way through. There was a part where it asked you to write out your triggers. Again I stupidly obliged and started it and then abruptly stopped because I started reacting to what I was writing down. The mind is an interesting thing.
Anyways, last week she told me to pay attention to when I am happy and how that feels within my whole body. And to figure out how I KNOW that I’m happy.
Something that I’ve never done. I can tell you almost to a T, when I’m sad, depressed, etc. I can almost pinpoint the exact moment when shit started towards the worst. It wasn’t something that I planned, it was just a survival mode I went into when I started picking up on the shift.
Because when it started happening, back then. I knew a panic attack was not far behind. I knew that I needed to be in an environment that was safe for not only myself but my children and so I made it my duty to pick up on the signs. It’s worked so well that now I can almost talk myself down from one. It just depends on how far down the slope I’ve gone.
Anyways… I’ve been feeling off today, unsteady, unsure, like I’m waiting for the other show to drop. Completely restless. Kind of jittery and unsure of myself and my capabilities. I thought I would feel more grounded because I actually did do yoga today. But such is not the case. I think I need to clear some energy, put my feet in the grass, BE!
I’ve been floating between happiness and being or feeling depressed. And then feeling sad that I feel depressed and then beat myself up over it. It feels like a curtain keeps opening and closing consistently. And when it’s open, I feel alive, energized, light, open, quiet, radiating, smooth, soft but hard or is it strong?! Just an overall feeling of being okay.
I’m not tired. When I am happy I can feel an overwhelming feeling of uplifting energy and happy thoughts and feels. When I’m happy I do things differently, i go to sleep differently. I wake up and do my morning routine differently, my body mind and spirit are all different when I’m happy. Even. My hair acts different, lol
I know I’m happy because it feels like the curtain is open. Letting in the fresh air, my body doesn’t feel heavy and weighted down with all of the problems of the world. I feel 15 pounds lighter even if the scale doesn’t reflect that.
Anyways, right now this moment. I’m happy. This time frame I’m fluctuating between happy and sad. Past and present. I’m trying to stay focused on the present, but acknowledge the past. It’s a fine line, one that I struggle with daily.