So today is day 7 of 40 in my yoga practice. It is technically day 8, I missed last week Wednesday.
Anyways, each yoga class I take and each time I meditate I enter it one way and come out another. It’s different and sometimes weird. But I’m learning to go with the flow.
The other day I entered into yoga class with the intention of getting something out of it. But as I sat on my mat and listened I received something else. What I got is above. I was given the opportunity to pick a bookmark with a Yama on it. And whichever one I chose I was meant to have.
Let’s just say, smack in the face. I have really been struggling lately, and so this was a reminder for me that I need to learn to loosen up and be present in the moment. The Yama I received was;
Aparigraha (non-attachment)– the nature of life is change; surrender expectations and reduce suffering. The instructor then said sometimes we hoard things because of what we feel we are lacking in our lives. And so these things ‘make-up’ for all that we are missing.
And so here I sat in all of that and softly screamed SHIT in my head. Is that even possible, not really but that’s what it felt like in that moment. I instantly started evaluating the things I expected out of situations, relationships, things and I had to pause hard and say to myself… I honor you! I honor you! I.HONOR.YOU!
My issue was myself. It had nothing to do with the outcomes of the situations, it had nothing to do with the situations themselves. And everything to do with what I needed to learn from that situation. The same with things and relationships. I have been in such a rut and my mantra started to sound like whoa is me. It kind of still is, I can not lie to myself. But I had placed expectations on the way I assumed things should turn out and that’s not what was happening. And so when I started to changed my view and my expectations the situation looked differently, the object/thing became something different and the relationship changed.
I can be so incredibly hard on myself and I am learning how to not be self harming to myself. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in the negative thoughts I have in my head that I do more harm to myself then I realize. And so as we went about the yoga class I pondered, chewed on and contemplated the Yama I had received. I learned that I need to send love and kindness to myself and so I have been practicing that. To exhale doubt, hatred, self-hate, anger, resentment, etc and to inhale self-love, acceptance, assurance, love, etc. It makes for such a different view of everything.
I’ve been letting several situations and relationships affect me immensely, I mean to the point where all I did was talk about it with Ike. And we would both get into these extensive conversations about the situation and the relationship. I had to realize that for 1. I am too close to the situation, because it is making me upset. 2. That I can’t change how people see the situation, no matter how much I try and persuade them to see it from my point of view. 3. I can only change the way it affects me and only me. 4. That I need to know what expectations I had planned on getting out of the situation and what I was actually getting. 5. And why did the situation affect me so deeply, what deeper issue was I trying to work out and didn’t realize. Can I just tell you that this process is tiring. But so worth it.
Ike helped me to realize this morning as I ran out the door to yoga that I was letting this current situation I was dealing with affect me too much. I have a friend in crisis. I mean intense crisis and I all I want to do is take the pain away from her. She is so lost and needs a supportive circle close to her, she doesn’t have it and it is hurting my heart that I can’t help her more then I am. He told me that I need to tell her I was headed to yoga and that I would call her in four hours… I couldn’t do it. I kept talking to her, and right before I turned off my phone and went into my yoga class I text her. I said, “Ok, I’m about to go into yoga. It’s an hour class. Keep texting and talking it out. I’m listening. I’ll text when I’m out. Breathe and know that you are loved.” And then I robbed myself of the time I spent in yoga because when I wasn’t breathing my thoughts kept going back to her and listening to her talk to me.
By the end of the class I needed to remind myself that at some point I need to be my focus. Somethings I can’t change things , no matter how hard I try. And so my mantra has slowly switched to, “I honor myself” I honor the person I am becoming. I honor the person I am leaving behind, and most of all I honor the love I have for myself. And so I took time to honor myself and my feelings and the things I wished for her, but truly wished for myself.
Once I figured that piece out I knew that I needed to attend tonights DV/SA group therapy session. I am nervous, I am afraid, I am anxious, I am tired, sometimes I feel like I am not breathing and then I feel my chest rise and fall and most of all I am trying to stay focused on the reason why I decided to start this path and keep moving one foot in front of the other. It’s the unknown… its the unknown… It is the unknown that frightens me the most. And so I am trying to stay present in the moments I am sharing with others and stop worrying about things that have yet to happen. It requires a lot of intentional breathing and sending loving vibes to myself. It is taking a lot of energy.
I thought planning out our spring break would be the perfect distraction. But it turns out, that also wasn’t so. And so there I sat in my head going over all of the possible situations I could run into tonight, not staying present in the moment. The nice thing, I am seeing clearly when I am not being loving to myself. The annoying part, I have to acknowledge it.
Anyways, I am going to end this on a positive note. I am about to whip my husbands ass in a quick game of pool. I am going to be gentle with myself and send positive and loving vibes. I am going to be open to the experience with no expectations of what I think will happen. I am going to practice Aparigraha.