I woke up this morning with plans. The other half and I reminded each other to take a peak at the calendar because yesterday we had almost missed a dentist appointment for the girls. We have a routine, he asks whats on the agenda for the day and I respond with whatever appointments we have and what his role is in making those appointments happen. Like now we are in February and Mini Mouse is in volleyball, so our Wednesday nights now consist of volleyball practice. Because I am the coach for her team I take her and Ike will stay at home with the other two. But tonight there will be a shift in our schedule and so Ike will now have to take Mouse to practice and most likely have to help run the practice. All of the other parents will step in and help make practice run smoothly, I just don’t like missing things I committed to doing…
This morning as I took a small pause, wrote in my journal, downloaded images and thought about the things that are on my agenda an image popped up on the screen that had a song pop into my head. The image was a dock, nothing much, but enough to catch my attention and the song by Otis Redding to flood my brain. The song (Sitting on) The Dock of the Bay instantly went on repeat in my head, like the needle got stuck and couldn’t move forward. Because of that I just looked for the song on youtube and put it on repeat, otherwise it would drive me bonkers for the rest of the day.
Anyways, I knew there was a message in the song and so I started actively listening to the words and what the message could possibly be. I mean, I haven’t listened to this song in years. As I listened to the song it reminded me of the afternoon before when Ike and I had considered for the both of us to head to South Austin to visit with our cousins. I told him I just needed to make a quick stop and get some pictures from a friend down the street. He said that he just wanted to get going and so I should just go and he would be back in about two hours. I had to change my plans and decided I would possibly go to a park and get some quiet time and take some pictures. As I sat there contemplating what I was going to do, the person who I needed to meet text and said she was going to hop in the shower really quick and to text when I made it to her house. So I grabbed my water, phone and keys and ran out of the house so that she wouldn’t have to wait much longer.
I got to her house and had to wait for a few minutes and so I sat on the swing on her front porch. That was exactly what I needed and didn’t realize. I sat down and my body instantly went into a relaxed meditative mode. My mind had been on active mode since waking up and so this was my moment to pause and be present to what was happening. The breeze and the slight chill in the air was just right for swinging and not thinking. I enjoyed all 30 minutes of it. I was happy that the friend didn’t have anywhere to be at that moment and so I said to her, “I absolutely LOVE your front porch, this swing, the breeze, the peace and the view. Do you mind if I borrow it on occasion?” In that moment I found what I thought was escaping me all day. Quiet within the storm.
It wasn’t like standing in the eye of the storm. It was like standing outside in the middle of a fresh snowfall and the only thing you can hear is the muffled sounds of animals, your feet moving through the snow, the quiet of each snowflake hitting the ground. Even though it’s cold, you close your eyes, take a deep cleansing breath and relish in that moment. And so that is what I did for those 30 minutes, I sat back listened to all of the sounds and took plenty of deep cleansing breaths. I’m glad our initial plans didn’t go through, because that was where I was supposed to be.
Anyways, back to this morning. As per normal, I thought I had more time then I did and so I was rushing out of the house to make it to 8:30am Gentle yoga and listening to this song on repeat in the car. Literally about a half mile from the highway my mind said, you’re rushing, you won’t make it, don’t try. That is not where you’re supposed to be this morning… Annoyed, I turned around and went back home and said fine I will just go to the 10:30am Hatha I yoga session. It is currently 10:49am, I am sitting in the Target Starbucks cafe on my computer typing up this story. What I’m realizing is I needed a moment with myself to hear the message that was being told to me through the song. Though going to yoga would have been helpful, it wasn’t what I needed.
I am currently in the process of working on me, which includes going to a few group therapy sessions for survivors of Sexual Abuse… On Monday I half made the choice that I would attend group tonight and acupuncture on Thursday morning, I hear it can work wonders for things like this. Monday night I kind of made a plan with Ike for him to take my place at volleyball practice. Tuesday I sent the email to the team that I wouldn’t be at practice but Mya would. And this morning I made the decision that I would attend the group therapy session. I’m not looking forward to it, to be honest I am completely dreading it. My stomach is in knots thinking about it. I want to call someone, anyone and complain about it, rant about it and try and talk myself out of it. But lets be honest, baby steps. I can’t do it all overnight and this is my journey, no one else’s. Doesn’t change the fact that I want to bring someone with me so that I won’t feel so alone. Mainly, I just need to feel like I am not in this alone and without support. I know it’s not true, I have support. But my inner child can’t see that. She just sees that she has to relive a time in her life when she felt completely and utterly by herself and no control over what happened to her. No matter how hard I try to stay in my adult mind, that girl keeps popping her head up. She’s the one telling me to run, and run far.
I feel like I’m being asked to cross this dock with all of the missing planks and the danger of falling in and getting hurt. In my head I know that as soon as I take the first step the missing planks and pieces will come. I just can’t see it because when I look out all I see is this broken down dock. I can’t see past all of that and see that the end of the dock is sturdy and can hold me and my problems. Anyways, today will be long. Solace will seem fleeting, my brain will freeze, my breath will hitch and at times I won’t be breathing because it will be too much. My goal for today is to be gracious on myself, to acknowledge all of these things as they happen and allow it to happen. Right now it’s easy to say that. I’m not in the thick of it, feeling as if my next breath will be my last.
I thought I was coming to the Cafe to meet someone and it turns out I was here to meet myself…
“It’s not okay just to see what you suffered as a child through your adult eyes. You must connect with the feeling you experienced as that child in order to express it and let it go. It’s all about the feeling.” -Laurie Stinson