I’m literally laying in bed listening to the sounds of our house sleep. Wishing I was asleep as well, but being completely wide awake. The cruel cruel world of insomnia. I’m sure I will pay the price tomorrow. As for now, I sit and contemplate life. My life to be exact. I’m not sad, just in a stage of contemplation. Sometimes the things I analyze aren’t all that happy, but it takes getting through those things to reach the other side of happiness. If I can’t find happiness within myself, no one else will be able to offer that to me. I’m learning to be happy from within first.
Lately, my mind has been static on friendships. Those I have lost, those that are there and those that I perceive to be there. Friendships are tricky. They are or can be an emotional mind field. For instance, I had a friend who died while we were both in high school. I was devastated. I couldn’t comprehend why someone so special could die so young. For me, she made an even bigger impact on me.
Another instance, I had a bestest best friend tell me I was too much for her and that she needed a break from me forever. We spent so much time together, she was my ying to her yang. Virtually inseparable. I was crushed. Life moved forward without me for awhile. Looking back at it, I was in the midst of a severe depression stage and I just needed someone to tell me I wasn’t crazy. It wasn’t her, I eventually got that answered and I slowly started treading water again. But it was never the same after that.
She was the proverbial straw that broke the camels back. I still love her, she was a huge part of my survival into high school years. When we get together it’s as if no time has passed. I truly miss those types of friendships. It’s hard to come across those now.
What I have realized is that because of that first deep hurt from my friend I don’t trust nor believe in those types of friendships anymore. I’m good at playing lip service, but let’s be honest. Your first instinct is to protect yourself from being hurt like that again. I have many layers, it took years to build them. They have worked. And then two people come along and start knocking cracks into the walls. And here I sit contemplating how to seal those cracks back up. Not because I don’t want true friendship, but because I no longer know what it means. My definition is so skewed I don’t know which way is up. I panic when people start to see the real me. Only I can see her, she is not for anyone else’s eyes. It throws me off my game, I’m forced to play it off or say take it or leave it. This is me. And typically people say leave it when faced with a choice.
And so I build another wall, but this one thicker then the last. Until I don’t even recognize myself when she comes out to play. And so here I sit, learning to like my true self again. Learning to recognize her and what makes her tick.
Anyways, I’m going to force myself to go to bed before I reach my point of no return.