This is making me nervous, to venture off of the beaten path. To strike out on my own directly into my fears line of fire. I don’t want to talk about it too much before I actually make it happen. But please come back often over the next few months and watch as things transform and are added.
Fear is a powerful thing, it will hold a person hostage within their own brains. It can make a sane person become insane. Fear can manifest itself as panic attacks and anxiety and depression. Fear can have such an intense grip on you that it allows you to see things that aren’t actually there. It can create an illusion in your head that can directly affect how you interact with people.
Lately, I’ve been having many a conversation and having it plastered in my face about fear and the ego. I can’t help but think this is the spirit worlds way of getting me to deal with my shit so that I can get out of my own way. For instance, an older cousin of mines posted this to her Facebook page recently,
” When you decide to take the road less traveled, all of your shit that kept you from taking it sooner is gonna rise up in your face and throw confusion at you. Your inner fears and aversions will confront you face on. You will be challenged.
So if you think you can avoid that road then perhaps you should. If you take it, know you are no longer traveling for leisure. You are traveling with purpose. It will not be easy. And there will be times you will want to fall apart and quit. There will be many illusions. Death of your ego, financial ruin, social estrangements, obstacles, loss of control, dark stretches, lots of unknown. Trust me, I know.
You will be challenged to remember the purpose of your journey. There is only waking up and aspiring each day to be love, and to be a beacon for others who come that way after you…and this…the magnificent, electrifying, power and pleasure that comes with being love is the best you can ever hope for.
Your reward is not in a destination. It is in the journey…in the being. This is the way to freedom.”
I read that Facebook post and dammit, I’m going to need y’all to leave me alone today. Meaning I was in turns talking to myself as much as I was talking to the demons, fears, ego, spirits, angels, basically my inner voice saying. Saying, please walk away, I am not ready to face this fear quite yet. I need it to stay neatly boxed on the shelf that I put it. What I don’t need is for the shit to come smack me in the face as I’m trying to get ready for the day, or when I am sitting having a conversation with my other half. No what I need is for that box to stay packaged until I am fully ready to deal with it and all of it that comes with that. BUT then within a day or so I happen to see this posted on my cousins Facebook page…
That thing that happened. I get that it was painful or difficult. But beyond that, it is what you make of it. If it serves your greater good to have hurt feelings, then by all means, have hurt feelings. But there is a point where you and I both know hurt feelings don’t serve anything but fear and ego… they remind you that thing happened, maybe so you will be motivated to prevent it ever happening again. Maybe so you will continue to punish your alleged perpetrator or violator or betrayer. At any rate, these things don’t serve you. At all. Right? Right.
So then what? What do you do with that happening? That happening… is not real anymore. It was real in the moment, when it happened. It’s not happening now. It’s no longer real. It’s a memory. You don’t have to feel what you felt. You didn’t like that feeling, remember? smile emoticon And so why hold on to that feeling. It is irrational to hold on to it for the purpose of preventing it in the future. And the future? It’s not real either. What might happen isn’t real. So how do you want to feel right now? Do you want to carry around all of the pain and resentments and fear born of events that are in the past? Or do you want to feel good? There is no mandate for specific emotions. You can feel however you want to feel.
That thing that happened? It’s not real anymore. It’s a memory. If you could snatch yourself up and out of the past, and keep yourself from being held captive by the future, how would you like to feel about your life right NOW?
You see what I did there?
And, again. She did it again. I swear my spirit was in a talking mood those few days. Whatever the case, I HEARD YOU DAMMIT! I need to let go of the past and the hurts and move forward. It’s not easy, but its a journey. A journey that I have close friends and family to help me travel it. I am learning ways to be ok with those feelings, being present in them and being ok with feeling sad and upset over it. To RAGE over the holds they have had on my life and my mind and fully moving forward from them.
Either way it goes, I believe this week I will have to meditate more then once. I will need to be grounded to deal with the emotions and the feelings that are flooding my system. Even though this story was started over two months ago, it still holds true today. It’s not the same thing I was dealing with then, by god I’m glad its not the same thing. But it is still me learning to navigate myself and my feelings and who I am, because I have made the commitment to embrace all of me…