That one word brings up so many emotions and thoughts swirling around in my head. I sit here wondering do I truly have something that I regret not having done or regret ever having done. I’m sure after I did or didn’t do something I might have regretted it, but I can’t say that I regret anything in particular right now. When I was younger, I’m sure I regretted that extra drink I had before I left the bar. Or the guy who I spent my night with once the liquor wore off. Or the coworker I thought I was in love with so we went out and partied HARD! Or maybe even that one time I thought I fell in love with a friend, and it turns out I was just feeling something different.
I’m sitting here going over the younger me and the things I did and I can chuckle now, but at the time I was hurting. And as I realize that I was hurting I remember the one and ONLY guy I regret ever having had sex with. All of the memories are rushing back hot, fast, quick and leaving me with all of the feelings and thoughts I had during that time of my life. It seems so long ago, but it also seems like it was just yesterday. I was about 19 when I met him, the sweetest guy. Older, distinguished, a God fearing man (maybe, a little), handsome and there when I needed someone. Or maybe I just put my needs in there as if that’s what was supposed to happen.
Imagine, a young girl living alone. Working hours upon hours, partying hard on the weekends, dating a guy who would rather spend more time with his roommate then the girl he was fucking, and the complete feeling of being lost and alone in the world. I had been battling depression hard during this time. Feeling as if no one would care if I lived or died. I believe this was also the year I realized I had an eating disorder and that I was slowly dying and it was me who was killing myself. I was officially an adult and all I wanted to be was a child again, wrapped in my grandmothers arms where life was easy. But here I was working all day and trying to find a body to lay next to at night.
I remember his name, his demeanor and his willingness to sit and listen to me talk about any and everything. At first he started out just talking-to me from his balcony above my apartment with me laying out on my car. My music on low, smoking a cigarette. He would come out for 3o minute & strike up a conversation about something he had read or studied that day. I knew when he started hanging out longer on his balcony and ventured downstairs on several occasions that the vibe I was sending out to him was being received. I had hoped for him just to be that voice of reason but as we got closer, I realized, that was about to be tossed out of the window. I don’t regret sleeping with him, I regret that I pursued him to sleep with him. I didn’t force him to have sex with me, but I also didn’t give him much choice. I knew what I wanted and so I went after it… HARD! That’s what I knew, that’s what I did, that wasn’t a bad thing. It was just me knowing what I wanted and going for it…
Doing this enough times will have you second guessing yourself, wondering if you truly are worth more then sex. I never sold myself, I never asked for anything in exchange for fucking. Most times I just… didn’t care…and so I would lose the guys phone number and never call them again. I was your typical guy in a females body. Maybe it had something to do with being molested and raped when I was younger or maybe I just viewed sex as an act, as something to do and move on. I knew once Pastor and I crossed the line, everything would change from there. I call him pastor, because, well… he was a pastor. Haha! That so isn’t funny. As we got to know each other more and I became a single woman again, we started hanging out more. Me, going to his house and hanging out until the early morning hours and vice versa.
Fast forward, two months and we are spending a good portion of our free time together. I mean he lived above me, so it was easy to hang out. One night while watching a movie, I had the strongest urge and so I leaned over and kissed him. In that one kiss I swear I felt, learned and seen my life and its understanding flash before my eyes. I know, what a cliche. But it was so true. I was beyond nervous, we had kissed before. But nothing like this one, this was initiated by myself that gave an understanding of wanting to go farther. I’m almost positive I might have been visibly shaking, giddy, and excited. Eventually pastor forced himself away from me and told me he felt it was time for me to go home. He walked to the door held it open and gave me a peck on the forehead. And I walked back downstairs completely dejected and tossed aside. I could not understand for the life of me what was happening and why, I thought it was me. But what I failed to see was his humanity and morals kicking in, realizing that we were floating on a like and he wasn’t quite ready to pass over it. I stayed up all night pondering what was so wrong with me that he didn’t want to sleep with me. I went back over in my head the evening and the feelings and the cues. I just knew i hadn’t missed it, so around 4:30am I went back upstairs and knocked on the door. I needed to know and because I could hear him pacing his floor for a good portion of the night, I knew he was still awake. I was met at the door by someone who was literally fighting himself. And in that moment, a look and a kiss, I changed his mind. I’ve made it, in my mind, as a fairytale, but it wasn’t that. It was more then that. It’s hard to explain and I don’t think I can even try…
The morning after, I woke up grabbed my stuff and ran down to my apartment. I avoided Pastor for over a week maybe even two. Most people I strung along, didn’t know where I lived. Let alone know intimate details about me or my past and that freaked me out. I felt like I was developing feelings for someone and I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep up with the relationship. Eventually we talked about the relationship we wouldn’t have and then we hung out in the bedroom one more time. After that I went on a sabbatical from sex for almost 2 years. There was more then one reason on why I went on a sabbatical, but mostly because I had no choice. That is a long and completely different story, I’ll come back to that another day.
Anyways, any experience I have lived through has shaped me to be the person I am today. I learned a lot about myself and what I wanted from that short lived relationship with pastor. A few of those lessons have been realized years later. The brain is a powerful thing and mines tends to send me memories and experiences when I least expect it. This story/blog is definitely now what I had initially planned on writing about.
EDITED to add a song link, this song so speaks to what it was like during that time of my life.
Thanks for reading as I walk through this journey…