I’m sitting here having a conversation with a close friend, someone I consider to be family. It’s a great conversation, an eye opening type of conversation. One that makes you want to grab a box of kleenex, turn on your feel good music and just have a good cry, snotting and all.
She mentioned that she sees me as a warrior. I hear it, see it and feel it. I just haven’t gotten to the point where I can be in it. And I mentioned that as well. From that point on the conversation just got deeper. Sometimes you need that outside person to tell you what you already know and then to repeat it on several occasions so that you can not only hear it but be in it.
I’ve always had a hard time just being in what I know, like someone tells me that I am something. I know it, I can feel it but it’s so weird to take on that roll. Im not entirely sure what accepting that roll is so huge, but it is and sometimes I just really want to be me. Nothing more, nothing less. But being me includes being a warrior, it doesn’t turn on and off it is always there.
Lately my spirit has been in a sort of turmoil. Mainly because I have so many messages and things coming in my direction that i can’t handle all of them, and so the way I deal with it is to shut it all down. Completely. Dark. I feel like I am being pulled in 50-11 different directions and when there is all of these things that are calling on my attention and so I walk around in a daze. Half doing everything and anything. Things that are simple, become hard. Things that are hard become virtually impossible. I just want to scream out, “WHOA! Slow down, I can’t handle all of these things at once!” But what I end up saying is, Fuck this shit. It’s gonna get done when I feel like getting it done.
What I do know is meditation, grounding and being present in the moment has truly helped me through some of those times. Other times ego gets in the way and tells me I’m doing to much. I’m trying to be like other people and I need to stop. I’m still working on her, ego that is.
When I was going through one of my biggest depression stages, when Is started having anxiety attacks, people kept trying to medicate me so that I couldn’t feel. To me, all I wanted to do was feel, sit and work through those feelings in all of its rawness. I hated taking medication, I knew that I was sad or angry or anxious and because of the medication all I felt was indifference. I was sort of happy, but mostly not. I could sense that something was off but couldn’t feel it, it was not for me and so my relationship with anti-depressants was short lived.
I understand and understood then why I needed to be medicated. Because those anxiety attacks were crippling, they left me unable to function properly, they left me raw, hurt and full of feelings. While i was on these medications I wasn’t able to fully take care of my son, D-boy, let alone take care of myself. The attacks utilized every single part of my body and being and left me feeling like open nerve endings. I could feel every single emotion that rushed through my body on 10, 000. And I couldn’t figure out how to handle them. They came too quick and too fast and stayed way to long. When I would have an attack, it could last upwards of 30 minutes. 30 minutes of pure unadulterated feelings, of tasting & smelling metal, being so tightly wound that I wasn’t sure if I would finish the attack with teeth or finger nails. It felt like being hit with a bolt of electricity every 30 seconds and not being grounded. It’s hard to explain, and yet here I am trying.
With each episode, I understood what would set me off and so I would avoid that. Then I learned ways to talk my brain out of an attack, and eventually I just learned how to avoid the attack all together… That is until recently, as in within the last 4-5 months. I won’t go into detail, because as I sit here thinking about that last time… my body starts feeling and I start remembering every single part of it. It was the second worst attack I have ever had, the first ever attack being number one.
When I felt the attack coming on I did all I could to stop it, I texted, called, face-timed, emailed, etc everyone I knew. And low and behold not one person was available to talk. Actually not one person answered my call, nor replied to it later. I was sad and upset about that in and of itself. So that helped the attack move quicker and more fierce. What I learned from that whole experience is that I just need to let go and be present. I needed to stop fighting it, because it only made it worse. My issue was… I was done crying, I refused to want to cry. I just was not going to cry #PERIOD
The biggest thing I’ve learned is, I believe that I’ve forgiven someone for something they did knowing or unknowing, and something happens and I realize that I hadn’t forgiven them completely and there I am back at square one. It’s frustrating, its annoying, its sad, its lonely, its hurtful, it makes me want to sit in a corner turn on my feel good music and just have a good cry, snotting and all. But then I remember why I didn’t cry the first time… Because I was done, I was so over crying. I hold back the tears and push past the pain and keep moving. Ain’t no since in crying over no dayum spilled milk. I’ve cried over this same shit 500,000 and I’m not gonna cry anymore. I should be past this, I should have already been done with it. I just want to be happy, and to love and to just be. But life’s lessons have a way of popping up in the most mundane ways, knocking you flat on your ass because you should have dealt with her 20 years ago and here you are dealing with her again for the 20th time.
Basically I hear the message trying to be passed to me. I will sit in that truth and then i will allow the next bout of feelings. I won’t fight them, I will face my fears, I will stand up to ego and tell her I’m ready to fight the good fight. I haven’t been through all I’ve been through to be knocked out cold because I’m too afraid to let go of ego. I want a continuous happy, present and full life. And to have that I need to handle the past. It won’t be easy, but I have my other half to help. Or I have the voices in my head… You know they aren’t all bad!
Thanks for reading as I cleared my conscious of it’s thoughts.
Namaste, Ildiko Ethaneal