Just another manic Monday

Faking it until you Make it…

1 Comment

Disclaimer: This was from a year ago… Not really sure why I didn’t post nor finish it. But I am going to post it as is, and write more about this or something similar to it in the next few days or hours… Time is totally irrelevant right now.

Has anyone ever done that or heard of that saying…? Well I’m really good at this, maybe too good. Sometimes I have this habit of not wanting to do something or not completely believing in something the way I want to or maybe should. So then I fake it, make it seem like I do or that I’m happy with the hopes that me faking it will help me, really help me believe what I am faking. Most times it works wonders, sometimes not so great.

Say I am not in the mood for a family event but the rest of the family is, or I have a headache or something else. Anyways I pretend that I am excited, get really pumped and smile like crazy. And you know what most times it works like candy 🙂 Other times my crabby attitude just persist and it can make for an annoying afternoon/night.

Or take for instance the fact that I am still questioning if I completely believe in God, you know the same one everyone I know believes in and can’t seem to understand WHY I don’t believe in him/her/it/being. Most people I know that believe seem to believe because that is what they are supposed to do, or they grew up in the church and why WOULDN’T you believe in God. But have they ever questioned, wondered, had doubt? I know why I am questioning, and it is all a part of the journey. What I can’t stand are those that condemn me because of what I feel or believe. Isn’t it MY choice to believe or not? Anyways, I’m venturing off my Fake it until I Make it post…

I try not to do this type of thing on a regular basis, because doing that lets me know that I am missing something. That I need to re-evaluate my circumstances and recognize that I am the person to make me happy. But it doesn’t stop me from faking it. It doesn’t stop me from questioning. It doesn’t stop me from doubting. This faking only helps me to make it through the next minute, hour, day, week, month, year.

One thought on “Faking it until you Make it…

  1. I think it’s called “Life”, Iiona. I so appreciate your BLUNT HONESTY. To be honest. that is what is often what is missing in the “Visible Church” as far as I am concerned. I know that many of us struggle with feeling our faith. Just yesterday, in some “Godtalk” with struggling friends of mine from the “NH”, I heard myself say that if it wasn’t for death, graves, and true crises, I wonder whether I would see faith in myself at all. When those things come up, I HAVE to seek His wisdom to remain sane. My son-in-law buried his first child when he was 22 years old and he will be 28 soon. Recently he said that sometimes he thinks it would be easier to tell if he had faith if he had grown up outside the church, I told him that what I have learned about myself in the recent years while testing my own boundaries, is that God tells us in His Word to examine our motives and heart, but that only He can judge our faith…nor can we judge one another’s faith. That faith comes by hearing and reading His words, but the closest I can come to telling if I have faith is to just keep living my life and asking Him to guide my path. When I realize that i am still here and I’ve been so overwhelmed or far removed that I don’t know how I could be, then I know that He has put faith in me and He is the only reason that I am still on the path.

    At the risk of “overexposing” my own journey, I find comfort and direction in these messages:

    This is the one that my foster daughter feels “says it all”:

    1 John 4:7 Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God

    And at those times when I have to beg God to put love in my heart, I find this one to be very helpful:

    Romans 5 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we[a] have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we[b] boast in the hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only so, but we[c] also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

    Hope I haven’t complicated your journey. I know I will continue to struggle with “Life”, but these conversations and friendships make it worth it for me. I pray that you will be at peace with Life and that you will be able to smell the roses along the way. Praying for you to get rest and for someone to tuck YOU in at night.

    Love ya!

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