Simply

Just another manic Monday

This is not a poem…

2 Comments

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My mind sometimes holds me hostage…

I go through the motions of the day but I don’t remember doing the things of the day. Not crystal clear, it’s like a good picture out of focus. I can see and remember the outline of the day because it’s there in my view, sort of. But I really don’t remember how I got from point A to point B. It gives me this crappy feeling at the end of the day, like I wasn’t present for anyone that day, not even myself.

My mind sometimes holds me hostage…

I have so many goals and aspirations but all I hear in my mind is the numerous people that told me I couldn’t do it, or that I couldn’t make it or that I won’t make it. I hate those voices dammit! But how does one get those voices out of your mind, you know the one that is holding you hostage. So I push through and I give myself peptalks, but you know, that doesn’t always work.

My mind sometimes holds me hostage…

I swear my mind is going over 50 things all at one time. I can be speaking about going on vacation but in the back of my mind I am worried about the route we are taking, I am going over in my head is there a way to cut that route down so that it’s not as long. I’m worried about the length of time we are gone, can we really afford it, how are we going to make sure we get the best place and the best rate. Sometimes I just want my mind to shut off and to stop moving. I’ve tried it, you know turning off all things in my head. Yeah it was rather depressing. I need something to do or think about or contemplate.

My mind sometimes holds me hostage…

Did someone just ask me a question, did my phone just go off, what was that noise, why does he do that, why is she crying now, what is all of that stomping going on upstairs, oh shit did I miss an appointment for D again, what is todays date, is it monday or thursday, God…

is the garbage taken out, did I pull out food for dinner, what are we eating for dinner, I really want to go run, God…

I’m so exhausted I can’t even function how can I go for a run, Huh? what did you want honey, isn’t daddy right in the same room as you, why do they do that, why can’t the clothes put themselves away, God…

oh crap I forgot to wash Mini mouses ballet outfit, did I remember to text back x, did I schedule the appointment for miss marie’s hearing aids, how much is that and why is that bill that high, I swear I text to find out about a playdate and still haven’t heard anything back, I need to talk to my friend, I need to clear my head, God…

why haven’t they called me back,  ugh I can’t deal, I need a drink, God…

I need a smoke, God…

I need to have sex, I… I… I’m just tired, God…

I’m tired…

SHUT UP!

GOD…

My mind sometimes holds me hostage…

 

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2 thoughts on “This is not a poem…

  1. You say it so well, Sister. I find that if I start the day in a quiet place with just God and me, it helps a bit, but that’s often not possible in a committed wife and mother’s life. I’ll pray that you can find space to “hold your space”. AND I’ll tell you: You ARE doing it. You’re just in the middle of the journey, and can’t see it. But I can. It will pass. Just hold your ground.

    • Thanks Tamar! I need to force myself to be in a space of my own and Gods every morning. It’s hard sometimes. Thanks for praying for me and for always praying for me. It’s great to have praying friends!

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