Just another manic Monday

It’s been a while…

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So I am slowly closing down my blogger site over with google and switching all of the posts (which really weren’t that many, and half of them I ended up deleting…) to this blog. So here is my first official switches 🙂 It is titled: I started writing again

I used to be a BIG writer, I would and could write a poem at the drop of a hat. I have so many, but then I got busy with life, children, marriage, and everything else and lost touch with writing. I had too much swirling around in my head to write it down, but now I am realizing that would have been the best time to write. Anyways, here is my first official reblog from my google account. 🙂

I started writing again…

I almost let my dreams wither and fall away, I almost let someone else take my joy, I almost let someone dictate how I was going to spend my time with my children… and then I remembered… NO ONECAN DO THAT BUT ME!

I was going to let life get the best of me and drop out, because who cares anyways…and then I remembered… MY CHILDREN CARE and all else pales in comparison.

I took the advice of a counselor I used to see, and little does she know, who I will be seeing again real soon…and then I took some deep cleansing breathes… and like that little light that shines at work whenever you push it down, all was right in the world!

I have huge aspirations, because after all I know that I can do ANYTHING I PUT MY MIND TOO! I mean lets be serious, I broke the cycle and I will continue to break every cycle that was placed before me in my life and in my family’s life. I promised myself that my children would never experience anything close to what I experienced as a child!

I aspire to be GREAT, I aspire to be a model for my children, I aspire to be a Social Worker, I aspire to help change at least ONE life, I aspire to stop being considered poor because unless you have lived it you will never understand it’s grasps. I might not have been given a middle class life, but DAMMIT my children will be even if I have to be a Soccer Mom for the next 10 years (but it would be nice if they choose a different sport, just saying!)

I know I should want to do other things in life, but I am so tired of giving and not receiving. I am so tired of extending myself to only be shut down. I have come to the conclusion, either you want to be around me or you don’t and I can’t force you too and I have since stopped caring! Because see, even if I lose you as a friend I have plenty more where you came from…To be honest I only need 2 really good friends, my life partner and my siblings, everyone else is… well you figure it out.

I am still trying to figure out how I am going to do this, because every corner I turn there is always a freaking road block in my way. It would be nice to find an easy route, but I’ve heard the easy way isn’t always the best way… I’m thinking by time I’m done, I should have the best of the best or at least be the best of the best. And even if I don’t, WHO CARES, I did it and that is all that matters!

I can ask, “What is life all about and why am I here?” and my answer to myself is going to be the same, “The Journey!” The journey has it’s share of issues, but losing my Auntie, has put things into perspective… That even though life can throw you a hard and fast ball, and seriously blindside you for a brief moment… Don’t let it stop you from doing what you want to do or spending time with those that want to spend time with you…

I had a quick conversation with a neighbor about a week ago and she was talking about something her and her friend were doing… Landmark… and it all came tumbling back. How could I forget such a big part of helping me to get where I am today. She was so sweet because she said, “Now I know why you are the way you are, and that is awesome!”

That one word brought about so many thoughts and feelings that I had to step back and look at the big picture… That I have these issues (rackets) with people and they don’t even know I do, and the way I am telling the story is not really how it has been. I have been looking through Rose Colored glasses, I have been looking through them with all of my filters in place… My HATRED (and believe me I have enough to carry about 10 people), My Past, My Brokenness, My Abuse History, My Racism, My prejudices, My Rightness…. and if you notice… it was all MY things… I can’t look at a situation of abuse clearly because I’m looking at it through the eyes of an abused little girl. I can’t look at a situation of color clearly, because I’m looking at it through the eyes of a schoolgirl that was forced to grow up in a predominately white neighborhood and attend predominately white schools.

What does all this mean? Probably nothing to you, but a LOT to me! It means I can let go of hating people, it means I can let go of being that abused little girl, it means I can let go of being the only black in a sea of white, it means I can let go of so many things and move on… Because I will be free to live my life and live it with the people that mean the most to me…

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