Simply

Just another manic Monday

Cancer is Contagious!

3 Comments

Look, here I am writing again and it has been less than an hour since I posted the last one… I guess that’s what happens when one is stressed, has a lot on their mind and figures this is the best time to “work” out those details…

I’ve said it before and I will confirm it again, 0315 in the morning always seems like the best time to work out life’s little issues. It is free of distractions, it is in the middle of the night (or morning) and everything is still and quiet… This used to be the time that I would “listen” to God, but it has been the time where I have consistently blocked him or her out… It’s working so great, this set-up I have. Maybe that is why I am so happy and non-stressed with life… (enter sarcastic expression…). There is of course more to these few sentences, so much more, but I will get into that later…

Anyways, I guess what is really eating at me today is cancer. My Aunt’s cancer that is, or what was her cancer… because she has been dead since August 2010. UGH! All the thoughts and emotions running through my mind right now, and all I can say is,
“It’s not Fair DAMMIT!!!” What gave her fucking doctor the right to make the decision for her? Who was he to decide that her life wasn’t worth it, that she didn’t need to know she was dying from cancer? How can he live with himself knowing her INTENTIONALLY killed someone? Why can’t he be charged with MURDER? Would I be able to get away with murder if I decided to go after him… I watch enough CSI, Law & Order, and Closer to know what to do and how to go about doing it (okay, I’m so lying on this part… but man that is how I feel!) I just want to know what made him decide that he wasn’t going to tell her she had cancer, but let her slowly die from it in while she was dying force her family to sit and watch her in pain and can’t do anything about it…

I just want to SCREAM at the top of my lungs, “How can you do this and get away with it?” You left a family to sit and watch as their loved one slowly died, you left them wondering what if, you left this family bitter and upset and non-trusting of doctors. You left us raw and questioning life, things, people…

Can you see, can you see how contagious cancer is. Can you see how it takes over a person’s body and rapidly moves out until it strangles all livable cells and happiness. My Aunt’s cancer has spread to me, it has turned happiness into anger, laughter into curses, doctors into the enemy and God into…

I can’t say that I will get over my anger this “year”, but I can say that I will work through my anger, frustration, sadness, hatred and all other emotions I feel so that I may be able to kill off this cancer that has grown in me since we all found out she was dying and she wasn’t given the chance to decide how she would live out the rest of her life…

Anyway… here it is 0356 and I feel so much better, off to bed I go until my kiddos wake up in the next 3.5-4 hours…

Happy New Year, Iiona šŸ™‚

P52: 1/52

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3 thoughts on “Cancer is Contagious!

  1. Hi Liona, This post really spoke to me because I’ve been there. I lost my mom in 1993 to a stomach cancer. Felt everything you’re feeling…still do sometimes. I miss her SO very much! She did have a surgery, chemo, radiation….she went thru all that for her family even tho the prognosis was poor. Her time during the treatment was so debilitating… I wonder if it would have been better for her not to have chosen to go thru the treatment. She knew it was a long shot, and she was not afraid to die, but she did it for us…because that’s what we wanted. I think she would have prefer to just enjoy the time she had with her family….I told my hubs that if I ever had a choice, I would NOT go thru what she did… I know this doesn’t help much, your wounds are still fresh….it will get easier with time. I am good now because I will see her again. Sorry to have written a book here…God will heal your heart…if you just ask.

    • Oh my! I still don’t think it is possible to move forward, I know I will and I know time will help. But as of right now I just want to wallow in my anger and frustration. My aunt had surgery, chemo, and radiation. The only reason they did it was so that they could feel ok with helping to kill someone. Her doctor’s knew she had cancer for almost a year before she found out she had it. She was forced to take almost 20-25 pills a day to help with her pain and that still didn’t help (Oxy’s). The week she found out she had cancer she had been in the emergency room about 4 times and all the dumb ass nurses did was give her some IV meds and send her home, because they thought she was a medication seeker. But if they had just clicked ONE LITTLE BUTTON in the computer… just ONE they could have figured out she was having so much pain and issues because of the cancer she had that the doctor documented but failed to pass on to his patient…

      How does one do that? How do you decide I am NOT going to tell a patient they are dying. I swear that whole year, her SLOW growing cancer spread from her uterus out. By the time she had surgery it was Stage 3 Uterine Cancer but acting like Stage 4 because it was in the first part of her intestines… A month after she found out she had cancer she started having pain in her chest, YOU KNOW WHAT HER FUCKING DOCTORS DID… NOT A DAYUM THING!!!! But if she had a different skin color or a little more money they would have done more testing, they would have had her get a CT scan or an MRI or whatever. Because thats what you do with a patient that has a history of cancer. About 4 months later, she found out the chemo didn’t work and they wanted her to do Radiation (But she didn’t want to do it, those awesome doctor’s forced her into it!). About one month later those LOSERS FINALLY decided to listen to her about her pain in the chest and guess what… IT TURNED out to be her cancer had spread to her LUNGS and a huge ball of it on her side… HOW, WHY, WRONG!!!

      About a month later I had to sit and watch my aunt slowly pass away. It was the middle of July when we found out there was nothing else they could do for her. I think it was July 31st, 2010 when the family was over visiting my auntie at her house and she wasn’t doing well. Her Hospice Care Nurse came over and we told her I think she needs to be inpatient because she wasn’t doing so well at home. The nurse said, ok! and started working on that. Me and my two younger sisters were there and my auntie wanted to take a shower but she was in soooooooo much pain… Us 3 girls with tears rolling down our faces, trying to keep ourselves quiet and strong for our auntie helped her take her last shower at home. Oh My Gosh!!!! That was the HARDEST THING I HAVE EVER DONE… We told her she needed to let us know when she didn’t want to be at Hospice anymore and we would take her and bring her home… DAMN if we didn’t get her back home…

      Anyways, I am sorry for writing a book and a half… I am so far from asking for God to help, I am so mad at him and hate him (GOD) with every fiber of my body. I don’t know how to be anything but angry with him, I don’t know how to be anything but happy to sit in my anger and frustration and hatred. I want to move past it but every time I think I might be getting past it, I remember that she died sooner and lived through harsh conditions because she was black, because her doctor decided on his own that her life wasn’t worth anything, and that if she were a white woman she might not still be here but at least everything that doctor could have done he would have… Being black can be a blessing and a curse…

  2. Well written I couldn’t have said it any better. I LOve YOu! This is how I feel also, but I hold it inside if I could get away with murder (murder would be the case they gave). Everyday I want to call her and see what she is doing and then I have to say dayum she’s dead. It’s not a minute or second that goes by that I wish she was right here with us. I miss her so much I can’t explain it. I have got to quit writing because of the tears. If only I knew where that doctor lived he would feel my pain and FUCK THE POLICE AN EYE FOR AN EYE. I would take something from him.

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