Just another manic Monday

Long time no see…


Pieces of me...So here it is November 26, 2011, and 3? years ago I was born to Darlene Virgin and John Jackson. I might not have been wanted, but I was born and there was no turning back at least for me. I was here and that was that, what they did with that was their thing and for them the decision was made. I was taken “care” of and given a place to sleep, and food to eat and clothes to wear.

There was however a small catch in the situation, what situation doesn’t have a catch…? I was a mistake, I wasn’t supposed to be born let alone concieved… you see that night was one of possibly many booty calls, a woman with little self-esteem and a strong feeling that her body could get her whatever she wanted (including money) was pregnant. With a married man’s child. Yeah I was that child that destroyed a family, I was that child that was hated by the “other” woman. I was the child that forced a woman that was secure in herself and in her relationship and her family, to reevaluate everything she had believed in and everything that came along with it… Do you end a marriage over a child, do I break up my family and harm my children because of a child… too be honest I have no idea what her choice was, I do know that she was aware of my existence as were a few of her older children. Before my biological father passed I had been lucky enough to meet him and get to know who he was, and he always made me feel like I was special and that he loved me… but I was young and we moved around a lot and it could all have been a figment of my imaginiation, I don’t know…

What I do remember is that he was a very tall man, so tall in fact that he hit his head once coming into our house to visit me. I do remember that he gave me a piggy bank, and I do remember that he loved me but didn’t get to see me that often… I do remember getting to meet 2 of my older brothers, I remember it because it was awesome… Here I was this young girl, no more than like 5 or 6 and they wanted to hang out with me… they were way older. he might have even been grown at the time and that’s how he knew of me… whatever the case I got to meet two of my older brothers twice and I held onto that memory and still do. Whatever the case, when I was ten I found out in a blunt way that my biological father was dead. He was murdered by one of his girlfriends, I wasn’t mad with the fact that he was with another woman and not my mother. I was mad that this woman took something so pure from me, someone who loved me and showed it… I grieved and no one comforted me, it was hard and I didn’t understand it. I have since made ammends with the fact that he was taken from me, but I do want to meet the woman who did it. I need to look in her face and see who it was, I don’t need to know her reasoning because everything happens for a reason and I was a child and my dad could and did no wrong. But as an adult I know things like that don’t really happen, people do wrong all the time and he had been abusing her and so she felt threatened and ended his life. Something that I appreciate in that woman, she stood up against her attacker and defended herself. I would do the same thing if I were in that situation… doesn’t mean it softens the blow, doesn’t change the fact that this little girl lost her daddy and no one comforted her, doesn’t change the fact that I grew up without a father ever being present in my life…

You know the cool thing about birthdays, they come every year and it is like a mini do-over… A way to start fresh and say, this year is going to be even more awesome than the last, because I am still alive and I still have my health and I have a family that loves me, friends that like to hang out with me, a job to help pay for all of my wants and needs, etc, etc.. How can one not cherish and appreciate what they have when you possibly have more than other people out there.

So this year I plan to learn a little more humility, how to give fully, love like no one is watching and overall enjoy life because it is not guaranteed to anyone…

Happy Birthday to Me!!!!


2 thoughts on “Long time no see…

  1. What a heartfelt reflection! I love that you see every birthday as a new beginning. What a wonderful outlook!

    • Thank you, it’s funny how those things happen every now and then. When you stop and actually take stock of the situation and this is what you learn… I do so love learning, thanks for taking the time to stop and read 🙂

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